problem with gf and porn

[lesa]

I must be blunt otherwise my post will be very long.

Paragraph two is full of insecurities. And you guys are firsts (new) and that can sometimes make you sexually immature.

Paragraph three: No relationship can survive without trust so it's going down the drain already. You are trying to control him and using trust as your weapon. He might was well do all the things you are thinking to accuse him of. The relationship is not healthy.

Paragraph four: You are trying to control him. I don't understand why you are denying it. As for the porn. I can't defend it either way. If he wants to look at porn then that's his business. I highly doubt he is fantasizing about the porn's stars looks, lol. I think he is stimulating his sexual appetite by looking at others having sex and fantasizing whatever about that. Why interfere with his masturbation session?

If you don't like porn then don't watch it. You can't control him. You can only control yourself. You guys know you are not compatible. You can't compromise. Your definition of communicating is control.

Unless he cannot do his everyday activities over it, this is just a habit that you either tolerate or you communicate and compromise. After that, you decide your next action--and not control his.

In 10 years (and after you break up over this issue) you will probably look back and find that this is more an issue about you than him.

[Junket]

He also broke his promise to me to stop and that also started a trust issue. I feel that if I can’t trust him to stop watching stuff, than how can I trust him to not do stuff with other people? He tells me he’d never cheat but I feel that what he’s doing is already a form of that and because he betrayed my trust, I can’t believe him… I wouldn’t expect him to trust me either if I did the same thing and I’d work on regaining his trust.

There's several things wrong with this paragraph.

1.) He was an idiot to try to appease you by making a promise that no man with a computer would ever be able to keep.

2.) You were an idiot to try to make him promise something so inane and impossible, and try to hold him to it.

3.) Don't act like such a hurt dog, this wasn't about trust, this was a test and you put him up to it.

Another thing is, it does sound to me like this guy has a bit of an addiction to pornography, based off what you've said in the top paragraph. I don't think it would damage your relationship in the bit if you backed off him a little bit, and he backed off the porn a little bit.

You guys are totally sucking at this relationship thing.

I blame you both.

[lesa]

I agree with 1, 2, and 3. It was definitely a test and he should have never made such a promise. In fact, I would avoid making promises in anything.

I wanted to say that he has an addiction. But then I thought that most men would have this addiction if we defined his a such. He has declined a lot (from what I read). And I suppose it is not interferring with his daily living? The video collection is interesting but I don't.

She wants him to stop completely--absolutely no pornography ever in the life of this relationship. Haha, I don't watch porn and even I would fail her test. I have a computer and I get curious seldomly. Darn pop ups .

[sarah_rsl]

I am pinkfloyd80's gf.

He told me about posting this on here and I've been reading what everyone's been saying. I told him that I feel like some of you are against me and even against him. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion but that's exactly where our problem lies: I don't like it and he does. Just knowing that there are people out there that feel the way he does or the way I do, isn't going to solve our problem... we already know that we don't agree with each other. I do appreciate any kind suggestions that people have made though...

I didn't use to have a problem with porn. I thought if you're single, go ahead and watch it... as far as watching it while you're in a relationship, well I didn't think about that much until I was in one. I knew that my bf watched it from the start and I would even send him pics or vids, but then he’d say "I've seen that already" or "I can find better." I guess what I wanted him to say was "YOU are better" or "I don't need any of that when I have you." (I guess it was a silly way to test his love for me, but I would’ve said that to him.) I don’t even think the porn itself is what bothered me either… it was comments that he’d made about other girls or seeing things that he’d said to other girls when he was with me… (Which I don't feel even compared to me) it made me feel unappreciated. And so I thought that as long as he was watching it, he was going to get ideas or whatever. He also said that he has pics and vids of me and the main reason I allowed him to have those was to keep him from wanting to watch porn. When that didn’t work, it started to make me feel unappreciated and like I was wasting my beauty and time on someone that didn’t appreciate it anyway. I honestly don't believe that I'm insecure... I actually feel the opposite. How dare he look at other girls that don't even look as good as I do haha! I thought that he was insecure and looking at those girls 'cause he felt that I was too good for him. (He's said that before as well.) Anyway, the main reason why it bothers me is because I don't want to look at other guys because I feel like I'm not appreciating my bf... and why look at them anyway when I have the real thing? I feel offended that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Whenever I'd fantasize about people it was because I was single and wanted something real... I guess I'm more excited about real life than a fantasy. And that’s where I feel like I can’t satisfy him… if he still needs to fantasize than does that mean I’m not a fantasy-turned reality to him? (I’m his first gf and he’s my first bf btw.) So I guess I thought that once he had the real thing he’d want to ditch the silly, unfulfilling porn and enjoy being with me like I was with him.

He also broke his promise to me to stop and that also started a trust issue. I feel that if I can’t trust him to stop watching stuff, than how can I trust him to not do stuff with other people? He tells me he’d never cheat but I feel that what he’s doing is already a form of that and because he betrayed my trust, I can’t believe him… I wouldn’t expect him to trust me either if I did the same thing and I’d work on regaining his trust.

However, I do love him very much and want to get through this with him but I don’t want to feel like I’m holding on to something that’s not going to get better. I don’t want to control him either or want him to change for me. I just want him to realize that this is hurting our relationship and my trust for him. Him liking porn or wanting to watch it isn’t who he is… so how is wanting him to not like it trying to change him? He’s going to like something whether I want him to or not but that’s not a part of him… people change all the time and things that you like aren’t who you are. I even told him that stopping for me wasn’t enough… I wanted him to WANT to stop for himself or not want to look at other girls. But he still wants to… and I can’t control that… nor do I want to. What I do want is for him to feel about me the way I do about him naturally and because it’s what he wants… but he doesn’t. I know I can’t control that but I also feel that it’s not fair and that I want him more than he wants me. I just want to feel that I’m getting as much love as I’m giving… but I guess that’s too much to ask.

I think you need to take the views expressed on here with a huge grain of salt. In fact you're just providing a feeding frenzy for the trolls by even responding.

The views on here aren't ones that the majority of women would share. By all means if you want to adjust your behaviour so you become a simpering non threatening perfect little gf with a boys will be boys attitude, there are plenty of people on here that will be happy to give you tips. If not however chat to your real mates, people with some stake in your happiness, look to them for advice not some anonymous strangers that are playing your relationship for kicks and giggles..

These boards are a natural home for daytime tv obsessed, supposedly liberated people who enjoy throwing psycho babble terms around that they barely understand.

Your bf he's not typical of guys either, don't believe the nonsense there are plenty of men out there that you can enter into a relationship with that won't act like horny petulant little children. Either he grows up or you out grow him.

[starbuck]

Pinkfloyd's GF, no one on LF is "against" you or your bf. These are just opinions from anonymous people who are trying to help. However defensive you sound, I think it's good that you came on and posted yourself, provided that your aim is to get geniune feedback and not just piss and moan because people responded in ways you didn't like.

Also, IMO, you are making a very big relationship mistake when you try to treat your boyfriend just like YOU and force your values on him. So you don't watch porn? Good for you! That shouldn't be an excuse for him not to watch it. It's illogical and controlling.

If the insecurity is other girls, what happens when the both of you are watching an R rated movie where a sexy actress takes her clothes off? Do you cover his eyes? Listen, he's going to have random thoughs about other girls sometimes. He's just a guy being a guy.

I'm not saying that you should embrace porn if you find it distasteful. But you and he need to find some kind of happy middle ground you can both live with, but also realize that men do not like to be controlled in this way. At the same time he needs to realize he shouldn't make promises that he can't keep.

The views on here aren't ones that the majority of women would share. By all means if you want to adjust your behaviour so you become a simpering non threatening perfect little gf with a boys will be boys attitude, there are plenty of people on here that will be happy to give you tips. If not however chat to your real mates, people with some stake in your happiness, look to them for advice not some anonymous strangers that are playing your relationship for kicks and giggles..

These boards are a natural home for daytime tv obsessed, supposedly liberated people who enjoy throwing psycho babble terms around that they barely understand

Sarah, honey, please stop making assumptions about the people on these forums. There are alot of well-educated people on this forum who just happen to have differening opinions than yours. To put the forum down because you don't agree with them, just shows how petulant YOU are.

You have your opinions, we have ours. Let's all agree to disagree.

[vashti]

Sarah, I am beginning to believe you are an idiot. Your friends will tell you whatever you want to hear to make you feel better. That is what friends are for - comforting. Complete strangers will tell you the truth as they see it because it's not their job to make you feel happy.

Anonymous girl - I think you should disengage from contributing to his porn habit. To be honest, I think it's a little weird to feed your guy porn... it's kind of like hiring a prostitute for your son. The fact that this is his first relationship tells me you both need to learn about boundary setting. If you do not enjoy porn, then he should make that area of his life private. I don't mean sneaking about, but really, not everything has to be shared. For example, I keep details about my menstrual issues to myself rather than discuss them with my husband. He doesn't feel the need to tell me about every time he beats off in the shower.

And yeah, it sounds like your B/F may have a bit of a problem with self-control and boundaries, only I don't believe in porn "addiction". This is just a matter of immaturity, IMO.

[starbuck]

I didn't use to have a problem with porn. I thought if you're single, go ahead and watch it... as far as watching it while you're in a relationship, well I didn't think about that much until I was in one. I knew that my bf watched it from the start and I would even send him pics or vids, but then he’d say "I've seen that already" or "I can find better." I guess what I wanted him to say was "YOU are better" or "I don't need any of that when I have you."

Upon reading AG's post again, I realized that I missed this part.

AG, you were in a porn movie that you showed to him? And you don't like that he watches porn now?

Does this not seem awfully hypocritical to anyone else but me?

[Gigabitch]

I would like to state, for the record, that while I have absolutely no problem with the concept of porn, I would NEVER appear in any pics or vids that would be in any way suggestive, let alone pornographic, and if I ever had, the man I was with would be the very LAST person I would want seeing me in such a state.

You want to be fantasy made reality? Forget it, AnonymousGirl. That's an oxymoron. You're his real girl. You shouldn't find porn so threatening, and no, it's NOT cheating, not in any sense of the word. It's just... body parts. Really. Trying to put your face on his porn is just plain creepy to me. That is the opposite of what you really want, isn't it?

Think it through.

[lesa]

Upon reading AG's post again, I realized that I missed this part.

AG, you were in a porn movie that you showed to him? And you don't like that he watches porn now?

Does this not seem awfully hypocritical to anyone else but me?

It's called control and some insecurities because of sexual immaturity. Meaning she is very shock that he looks at anyone/thing else for sexual pleasure.

A breakup or he completely stop watching pornographic material is the only solution. Ten years later I am almost positive she will have a change in this point of view.

[Junket]

These boards are a natural home for daytime tv obsessed, supposedly liberated people who enjoy throwing psycho babble terms around that they barely understand

Is that so?

Name one person here that fits that description.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it.

I have a devil that needs a little air.

[Aeradalia]

our problem lies: I don't like it and he does.

This is all that it boils down to. The rest is just the aggrevation and heartache that comes from not getting your way.

Welcome to the concept of relationships... two people who are compatible in some ways and different in other ways... trying to stay together for the benefit and enjoyment of both.

If you destest him liking porn, then ask him to be polite and not share this with you. If you don't like him thinking about other women (even for a microsecond) then ask him to politely keep this to himself. However, he is not your pet or a machine you can control... just because you're such a 'great catch' does not mean he owes you his free will.

Nobody likes to be controlled... keep this up and you will lose him.

[Junket]

Anybody else feel like we've repeated the same damn thing since page one?

[Aeradalia]

Anybody else feel like we've repeated the same damn thing since page one?

Not to be mean or anything... but does it seem that this will go on and on until the gf has one of us or most of us agreeing with her view?

I take pity on the mess this guy has gotten himself into.

[Junket]

I've lost interest in this thread, maybe they should just break up.

[Indignant]

same subject, too many times, everything is so old and boring....hope new year will bring us more intellectual topics.