problem with gf and porn

[pinkfloyd80]

For over a year my gf and I have had problems with the whole porn issue. I used to look at it quite a bit and she didn't tell me it bothered her till a little over a year ago (we've been together about 1 year and 9 months). I tried to tell her it was normal and it doesn't mean she doesn't satisfy me (which is what she told me). After many arguments/discussions and getting tired of that, I agreed to stop looking at it. But a few times I broke the promise and felt guilty. When she asked me if I had been looking at that stuff I told the truth (I don't ever lie to her) and she was very upset. So i re-promised again. I want to say that when I made the promises I never had the intention of breaking them. It would happen later on when I felt it wasn't fair that I broke it, but then I'd feel guilty.
Anyway this has happened several times. And now it's got to the point that if I see another girl in real life who I think is attractive or some picture of a woman I happen to see online, I wonder "Oh what would my girlfriend think about that?" She told me when she sees someone who's attractive, it's not sexual for her. She just thinks "okay they're good-looking but they do nothing for me." I've tried to explain to her that it's normal for men to be attracted to different people even if they're with someone (this is true for some women too). All of this is driving me crazy. I told her I have no problem committing to her, but a part of me still likes to look at adult videos or pictures. This is making me feel very guilty because she said she has no desire to look at other guys or think about them. I told her even if she did have that desire, it wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't even want to know about it. I said whatever fantasies people have in their minds is their own business and they shouldn't feel guilty about it. So she took that to mean that I was fantasizing a lot about other girls, which is not true anyway.
I tried to explain that when I watched porn it didn't necessarily mean I wanted to do stuff with the people in them. There's also something I like about just watching it. Watching other people doing stuff can turn me on even if I'm not attracted to the people in the videos.
But now it's not just porn. If I see some pictures of some model online I start to feel guilty and I told her about this and she doesn't understand why I'd want to look at them anyway. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[vashti]

Your girlfriend sounds very young and naive. I don't think you should promise this anymore (although certainly, you should continue to exercise some self control). Men stop looking when they are dead.

[misombra]

controlling person alert!

[Aeradalia]

Your girlfriend is wrong, unfair, and completely out of line. Men will look and have sexual thoughts... it's natural... it's expected... and she needs to learn to accept this. Further more... it is completely wrong to guilt someone into doing what you want --- which is what she's doing to you --- and I sympathize with you completely.

Furthermore, every woman I've ever met looks at others and occasionally or even often (depending on the woman) they may have sexual thoughts involving someone (porn, strangers, friends..etc) other than their significant other. This is also natural and expected.

So pull out the porn, look at the pics, and enjoy those fleeting thoughts when you look at some attractive woman passing by for you are a guy... and this is what you do.

She has some growing up to do and possibly some insecurities to work out. Make no more promises and if she asks why or demands that you do... remind her that you cannot promise to do the impossible, and she really has no right to control your thoughts and emotions anyway.

[carl1222]

Wow, I am shocked and pleased that all of your women responders here are firmly on your side!

But they are 3 special posters!

Of course, porn becomes a problem if it starts replacing the intimacies in the relationship, but to think that a man would actually rather be with a plastic actress who fakes exaggerated orgasms to a warm real woman that they love is ridiculous and insecurity in the extreme.

Carl.

[Junket]

All these people are right, your girlfriend is wrong.

Refer her to this thread.

[pinkfloyd80]

Wow I can't believe everyone agrees with me. My gf told me that she has posted our same problem on another site and everyone agreed with her, including guys who told her she should find someone better. But in response to Carl, it doesn't replace our intimacy at all. We don't live together and I was only looking at it once in a while when she wasn't here. I never considered myself addicted to it. But now that I feel like I can't look at it, it almost makes me want to more! Weird. I must say though that we did make a few videos together and she did that for me to replace the porn, so I appreciate that greatly. But when it comes to looking at stuff on my computer, it seems like there isn't enough. I am perfectly satisfied with my sex life in real life, but I also like looking at lots of different stuff online once in a while. Maybe I'm being selfish and should just be satisfied with the videos we made together? btw, they are foot fetish videos since I have a huge attraction to female feet, but sometimes I want to look at other stuff too. This whole foot fetish thing probably complicates matters since fetishes are usually quite obsessive, and I'm no exception. This whole thing is driving me crazy.
Oh yeah, one other thing. I told her that when I watch porn it doesn't mean that I necessarily fantasize about being with the women in them, and I gave her the example of how I liked watching lesbian porn and I get turned on seeing women doing these with each other. It's more of a voyeuristic thing I guess. And that upset her and she thinks I want her to be bisexual and she keeps asking why can't I just be satisfied with her? It's extremely hard answering that question because in my mind I am satisfied with her but still want to look at other stuff too. She's a really nice girl though, not a bitch at all. She's extremely beautiful too. She rarely gets mad. This whole thing depresses her instead of leading her to anger, which makes it more difficult to deal with.

[carl1222]

OK ... I am going to shift gears here.

Yes, we all agree that that you should be free to indulge your harmless fantasies.

And we all agree that your girlfriend's worries are unfounded, so you are right.

But let's take a minute to talk about love as an action rather than just a feeling ...

Is your interest in porn important enough to make the woman you love feel sad and depressed??

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Of course she feels sad and depressed because she is insecure... and cannot control you enough to alleviate these insecurities. Refer back to what I said before. See how she constantly twists everything you say around to make you feel bad --- she's guilting you so she can have her way. She should at the very least, respect your sexuality.... she doesn't have to like it, but should respect it. There is no way you can only think of her when you have sexual thoughts and desires. And she needs to realize that not only is this a losing battle... but an unnecessary and pointless battle. From your own words, it appears that she already has everything she could possibly need from you ---- you're loving, caring,willing to help make this relationship work, and faithful. To ask for more is to be unreasonable.

[lesa]

I would ask her why does she feel the way she does and get to the cause of her insecurities. Then I would tell her that I do not plan to change what I am doing.

She can't control you in the privacy of your own space. There must be something else that she feel is wrong. Maybe she feels neglected or something. Ask her what can you do to help her overcome her issues without you changing for her.

Communicate to her before it gets worse. She is not to control and she needs to know that or leave.

[pinkfloyd80]

OK ... I am going to shift gears here.

Yes, we all agree that that you should be free to indulge your harmless fantasies.

And we all agree that your girlfriend's worries are unfounded, so you are right.

But let's take a minute to talk about love as an action rather than just a feeling ...

Is your interest in porn important enough to make the woman you love feel sad and depressed??

Carl.

No it's not important enough. That is why I made the promise to stop looking at it. But when she told me that watching porn or thinking about someone else is mental cheating, I felt the whole thing was hopeless. Because then it's like, not only do I have to stop looking at it, but I can't even think what I want to! So it was during those times where I felt this whole thing was hopeless that I felt I had the right to look at porn again but then afterwards I always felt guilty. Even non-porn stuff is making me feel guilty. Like if I see an attractive woman in a movie or something, or some sexual scene in a movie, ex. Eyes Wide Shut. I don't really know what to do. She says if she doesn't completely satisfy me, then why are we together? I never thought about the issue of being satisfied until she brought it up. I never compared her to any person in an adult video. I tried to explain it's normal to think/look at different people/situations sexually, but she thinks that if I had to do that then it means I am not totally satisfied with her. I think this whole issue is pointless and won't get anywhere. I'm sure she feels the same way, although it's hard for me to look at it from her perspective. I mean I can understand how it might bother her, but what I don't understand is how extreme her opinion on this is. She thinks looking at porn or thinking about another woman is a form of cheating.

[Junket]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/intimate-forum/25883-porn-cheating.html[/url]

Here's the deal man. We are not partial to those who post on our site. We also aren't pussies like wherever she went to, to post.

She is insecure.

That's the problem, not the porn.

Unfortunately, this is a situation where nobody is really "wrong", but it's more an issue of compatibility.

You're never gonna not look at porn when it's so readily available on your computer, never.

She's one of those girls who believes in soul mates and god probably, and shit so she thinks humans are above our natural instincts (we're not). It's much easier for you to stop watching porn, than it is for her to change her temperament. That's not to suggest it's easy.

No, thinking about other women isn't mental cheating. Personally I'd tell my g/f to go f*ck herself if she ever gave me a hard time for lookin' a porn or glancing at other women. But I don't have to because she's not sensitive like that.

I honestly don't know what to tell you because I don't know if this is the kind of girl you think is worth struggling for. I personally have not had to change much about myself but some of the lesser aspects of my personality (anger) for my girlfriend, but that's easy when our sex life rocks. "Porno style" sex is in our common vocabulary.

How old is she again?

[Cavil]

As a lot of people said, her confidence is the problem here.
U may somehow solve the problem with porn and all that stuff, but then again something else will come up..
I think u should focus on helping her get some confidence, with it she will have less problems in her life and in in your relationship.
First of all you need to be sure you are ready to make that step, because that will not be an easy trip. Be patient, make shure that she feels that you love her, and for some time forget about your problems, in front of her of course.

Also I agree with Carl, you should think about how she feels. Make some compromise, something like you will keep watching it but rarely or something like that.

[boobaa]

Why can't you live without porn? Do you have too much free time in your hand are bored all the time? Are you addicted?

[Hollywood]

The only thing wrong with his girlfriend, is she hasn't figured out; she can't control his sex. Men are lustful human beings. The only reason why most women say, "They don't have a problem with it." is because they have figured out what your girlfriend hasn't. They've figured out that it's way out of their control. It's not because they have high self-esteem and confidence. HA!

I feel bad that your girlfriend is so torn about this. Once she learns that she can't control the sex and eyes of a man... she will be better off. It's sad that there is only .1% out there who can live without porn and have no desire to watch it.