flirting

[Aimee]

A lot of people interact in diverse ways with others, but I have limited modes of operation. I think a lot of it is lack of experience, but that can't be all of it.

I feel like psychologically I'm still partially in "adolescence" even though I'm 27. I'm not a virgin, but I often seem "innocent" or maybe simple?

I seem to only have two modes of interaction... 1) acting analytical or "mental" and 2) acting like a child (which seems to be what I do if I like someone), which I feel deeply ashamed of.

I don't know if this is something that can be "worked on" or if I'm trapped in this way of being... But it can't work as it is... I think that I'm usually not "sexual enough" in my behavior, and take things too seriously, etc. It's like I still can't be an adult, and it's starting to show. And I really don't like it.

I guess part of it is that in all the ways that I'm under simplistic pretenses, I do want to be genuine... So I don't experiment with other ways of interacting or game playing... Because what if it isn't "true to me"... And I'm also afraid of people taking me the wrong way and then having to try to "fix it," which I feel more inept at I think than actually trying to diversify my interaction style.

[IndiReloaded]

Part of growing, Aimee, is thinking new thoughts, trying new things.

Those thoughts & ideas that don't mesh with who you are, discard. Those that do, add to the person that is "You". As you get older and more experienced, you'll get faster at making these evaluations about things. You start to become more discerning about ideas, both your own & others. Think about it.

The other advice I would give you is: surround yourself with ppl who truly inspire you to greatness. Ignore or get away from the rest. There are a lot of energy-suckers out there.

Hope this helps.

[carl1222]

I don't think it's necessary to change your personality to change your behavior, Aimee.

Nor do I think it's necessary that you act true to your impulses, unfiltered by your rational mind, to remain genuine.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with acting analytical and "mental" (I assume by mental you mean cerebral, not psycho! ). So I assume you are more concerned about being childish around someone you like.

What exactly do you mean by "acting like a child?"

Carl.

[Aimee]

What I mean by acting like a child...

I can act rather helpless, under-confident, immature, cute, ditzy, etc. I thought part of this was that my whole life I haven't had a lot of contact with people... so I think that I can sometimes overly respond to attention or affection (from the opposite sex) because I'm not used to it. Generally that's really a "turn off" though... I think that some guys can find that sort of behavior "adorable" but they're usually not the sorts I want to attract anyway because things can't get serious or intense enough with "cuter" personalities? (maybe that sounds like a judgment... I think my own "standards" may be running me into a wall, especially concerning myself).

It's sort of like, if you act childish, you attract childish people. But I don't mean that I would want a "serious" relationship where there's no humor or silliness (because I really like humor and silliness)... so by childish I don't mean "silly." In fact, I need to take life less seriously in general.

I guess I see it sort of like there's more "adult" flirtation and then there is "childish" flirtation... the former being more complex and dynamic than the latter. And I think I sort of go into simpler modes of interaction because I don't know what to do... So it's that or withdraw... and the longer one withdraws the harder it is to get back in. Part of it is also that I can be really sensitive, and often I think I give off the impression that I can't handle more serious interaction... which in a sense I can't... but if I don't try to then I'll never be able to. And I feel cowardly if I withdraw, like I have failed.

I remember with my first boyfriend I was at a party early on in our relationship and everyone was playing some board game... It was one of those games where you have to sort of think on your feet with things to say and be loud, boisterous, etc. I was terrified of this game, and even if I tried to participate I just knew I wouldn't know what to say (I often feel sort of slow to catch on I guess). I sort of ended up leaning against my boyfriend and staring off into space, waiting for the game to be over and for everyone to go away. I don't regret this because I know where I was at at the time, but I do feel ashamed that I wasn't more interactive. I guess that's about taking risks... but it's hard to take a risk when you know you're probably going to fall on your face... and people can't wait around while you fall again and again...

I sort of drifted off topic. Honestly when I was younger I wasn't entirely interested in larger scale socializing... I seemed to want to short-cut it because I didn't see the necessity in it, or that it can be meaningful simply by itself.

[carl1222]

You are absolutely right that the kind of men you want to attract will not respond well to a regression to teen or pre-teen behavior.

Adult flirtation is being confident (or pretending to be) and subtly sexual. Lets work on this step by step, Aimee ... How are you at body language? Astute or clueless?

Carl.

[lastwish]

There's no "adult" way to flirt. Its all about having fun. If its a tad childish then its just part of the fun. I don't think you should worry about being a "smooth" talker or always expect yourself to say the "right" things.

[ButterflyDreamz]

There's different kinds of flirting. If you're child-like in some ways then use it! Flirt playfully! I think it's quite fun...you don't need to be obviously sexual or anything. Most girls aren't confident about themselves...If you are, it's a lot easier to be a subtly sexual flirt.
I'd also suggest you stop "acting"...why "act" ditzy or helpless if you're not? Be proud of the person you are.
As to your board game experience...that's just a matter of confidence, happiness with your self and feeling comfortable around the crowd. If you don't have one of those 3 things, you'll be less inclined to take risks.

[Aimee]

You are absolutely right that the kind of men you want to attract will not respond well to a regression to teen or pre-teen behavior.

Adult flirtation is being confident (or pretending to be) and subtly sexual. Lets work on this step by step, Aimee ... How are you at body language? Astute or clueless?

Carl.

Oh. I think my body language is probably terrible as I don't really even notice things like body language. I mean I'm sure I do on some sort of sub-conscious level... but... I don't really think about it....

There's no "adult" way to flirt. Its all about having fun. If its a tad childish then its just part of the fun. I don't think you should worry about being a "smooth" talker or always expect yourself to say the "right" things.

Yeah. Part of it is I'm really self-conscious... overly so. Bah. I just don't really know.

I think maybe in part I'm just whining about my lack of action.