what's the right tone in conversation

[j.b.]

Hi. Recently my husband and I have been a having a rough time communicating. He accuses me of having some kind of "wrong"
tone/intonation when we talk - that is when I say something, he immediately thinks that I'm putting him down, that I want to make him look like an idiot, that the way I say things is mean. The problem is that I have no idea what he's talking about - I have absolutely no intention (consciously or unconsciously) of being mean to him, or making him look like an idiot. The thought never entered my mind. I keep telling him that he's got it all wrong, that I don't have such intentions and that what I said, I said without any specific meaning with but one intention - to communicate (btw, the conversations I'm referring to are basic everyday topics, like shopping, the upcoming xmas holiday, blah blah - nothing life altering). Over the past couple of weeks, such things have been happening everyday, although the first couple of times, when this matter came out suddenly, I told him that if he hears an unpleasant tone in sth I say, to ignore it - if I intend to be mean or be angry at him for sth, I have other ways of letting him know - and it's straighforward, I'll simply tell him. He knows that. If I ever have a problem with sth, I don't beat about the bush, I come straight out with it, without using stupid methods of intonation/tone, in the hope that he'll understand what I'm trying to say, but in the end know that he probably won't... And I've told him this, too!! He said OK. But the next day, and the next, there was always something he'd pick at. And I get soooo upset, because it's starting to hurt me - I feel that he sees me as some kind of monster, who's mean and has a hidden agenda. He's super convinced of the fact that I use the wrong tone when I say stuff (although I've never had that problem with other people) and I feel I'm trapped, because there's no solution. I asked him what I should do, how should I mark my words when speaking to him, but he says he doesn't know. Which leaves me with no way out of this. This "wrong tone" stuff seems to be a big problem for him, because he comes to me with it a lot. Has anyone had a similar problem or does anyone have any ideas on how to solve this???? I'm in desperate need of help. I don't know how to talk without using a tone altogether - I'm not a robot! And I can't exactly change much about my intonation when I don't understand the problem...

[vashti]

Honestly, he would be getting on my nerves with that continual whining and need for coddling, and I am afraid my tone might reflect annoyance.

However, assuming you depict this accurately, I think the problem may be with your husband and his own self-esteem. It sounds like he may be displacing his own self-loathing on you. I guess the way you can find out is to tape record yourself for a while and listen back when he complains to see if he has a valid point.

[misombra]

he likes another woman.

[j.b.]

Thanks Vashti for the advice on the recording It might actually help. Although to tell you the truth I'm not sure I'd agree with you about the bit about low self-esteem. It would be hard for anyone who knows my husband to say that he has low self-esteem.

PS. Misombra - how did you get him liking another woman from what I wrote?

[misombra]

i don't know. i have an intuition problem. it's too strong.

anyway, the first thing that comes to mind whenever somebody starts complaining about something like that, something small... it makes me think that there's somebody else talking to him in a nice tone. know what i mean. i could be wrong though i suppose.