Trying to Stay Grounded...

[Aeradalia]

I have been in a few relationships, had many friends, and been close to a few family members... but not once could I ever completely let my guard down -- truly relax.

When I'm around him, the conversations come easily and his mannerism and natural inclinations seem to work well with my own. If I'm frustrated he'll leave me alone for a little while and before I start searching for him because the frustration has finally subsided... he's already there wanting to hug me because he just couldn't wait any longer. If I stray too long on sad thoughts he'll talk about happier times. He seems to know when to take me seriously and when to make light of the situation... he reads me so well... I don't have to explain myself.

He's somehow that impossible blend of sensitivity and strength... he can be kind and understanding; firm, insightful, and assertive; and playful, erotic, and even feral at times. When he holds me... all the rest of the world doesn't matter. I no longer focus on the sounds within the room, the distractions outside, and the traffic in the distance. All I can hear is the beating of his heart... and for a little while, I feel safe.

On occasion, when his work and other circumstances take their toll on him... he tells of his frustrations, asks for advice or possible solutions. I am given an opportunity to view these things objectively for him, give advice, and feel useful and helpful. In other things, we both have a chance to express our creativity... to explore each other's intellect in trivial conversations too deep for any mere acquaintence... thus feeling satisfied in a way I've never known.

I don't feel like I'm with just another friend. There's a sense of freedom unknown to me. He is dependable and trustworthy... will do everything in his power to keep from breaking promises. I don't have to worry when I'm around him. He gives affection so freely... I feel safe and somehow more self-assured when I'm around him.

We were finally 'intimate' and I enjoyed it immensely. It's hard to explain... but I felt included... and he didn't have to neglect himself to do so. I didn't feel any mild disappointment or awkwardness... or even the residual shame (which I had never seemed to be able to rid myself of). I sensed no malice in him and for once... I just let myself go... a kind of peaceful surrender I guess. This delighted him, and in turn delighted me. I have never felt this close to anyone.

I realize I am undoubtedly caught up in the emotion of the situation. Reading over all of this I have written... and reading 'between the lines' more or less... would it appear I am deluding myself (as I have seen in many other posts) or am I in the right frame of mind about this and have something real? I do not feel overly concerned... but I have always felt a need to somehow keep myself grounded in reality.

[1averagejoe]

I don't see why you're worrying about this so much. I mean from what you wrote, the guy sounds perfect. How long have you two been together? Usually the beginning of a relationships is the best part.

But like I said, stop worrying so much. From the sound of it, you're scared of getting hurt. Because you have let your guard down and never felt this way. Have you had a bad breakup before?

Anyways, stop worrying because he'll probably pick up on something being wrong.

[Sureality]

Staying grounded is overated. It sounds like you've found something very special with someone, there is nothing wrong with being "caught up in the emotion of the situation" it's how two people build bounds that will last deeper into the relationship. Cherish it, appreciate it and most importantly live it but definitely don't worry about it.

[Gigabitch]

There's no reason why letting your guard down should result in total annihilation, Aera. I know you've always kept your emotions well in check, but I don't think you should worry about it. Your sense of self-preservation is just too strong to let yourself get shredded. You can afford to relax.

[Cbrider]

Just keep your level head, what you don't want to do is freak out or panic. Don't scare him off because of things you are unsure of within yourself.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward or subsequently the pain. Life is a gamble no matter how you look at it.

[IndiReloaded]

Just be alert to seeing situations for what they are, not what you want them to be. That's when ppl get into trouble.

[vashti]

It sounds like you spend a LOT of time analyzing things. I hope you know when to stop.

Perhaps you have addressed it in another thread, but do you have a history of making poor relationship choices? Could this explain it?

[Aeradalia]

How long have you two been together? Usually the beginning of a relationships is the best part.

From the sound of it, you're scared of getting hurt. Because you have let your guard down and never felt this way. Have you had a bad breakup before?

Anyways, stop worrying because he'll probably pick up on something being wrong.

We've been together for nearly 5 months now (I checked the calendar).

And yes, I am afraid of getting hurt... the majority of my life has been filled with pain, sadness, fear, and anger. These are familiar to me... happiness and love are not, so I am natural distrustful at first. I'll calm down eventually, I suppose... but at the moment, I'm still waiting for the pain --- the ironic joke to come to fruition.

There's no reason why letting your guard down should result in total annihilation, Aera. I know you've always kept your emotions well in check, but I don't think you should worry about it. Your sense of self-preservation is just too strong to let yourself get shredded. You can afford to relax.

Past experiences have reminded me to keep my guard up, though I realize the naivity of my younger self is what put me in the position to be hurt in the first place. I guess a compromise would work best. This guy has done nothing wrong so far, so over time... if this should continue as it has so far... I will relax a little bit more.

Don't scare him off because of things you are unsure of within yourself.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward or subsequently the pain. Life is a gamble no matter how you look at it.

Very true Cbrider... I discuss these matters here, so that I won't bring the confusion and uncertainties into the relationship needlessly. It's not his job to help me with my insecurities... it's my responsibility to do that.

Life is a gamble indeed... and I'm not afraid of pain or even loneliness really. I know I can endure and survive all that... I have before. I do not want to lose him for he may be completely genuine... but neither do I want to be taken for a fool, should he happen to be deceptive (which I don't sense in him).

Just be alert to seeing situations for what they are, not what you want them to be. That's when ppl get into trouble.

That's what I'm trying my best to do. Hence the reason for the objectivity from others. I may inadvertantly be seeing him as perfect, when I'm overlooking some pivitol flaws because I'm letting my emotions and desire get the better of me.