Posting here so I don't text him

[Shattered]

Guess with Christmas/New Year etc, it's got me all sentimental and thinking of texting the ex to wish him Happy New Year. So reasons why I shouldn't:

1. He said it was a clean break but continued to text me.
2. One of these texts said he wanted to spend his life with me.
3. A few days after this when I responded favourably he started to back off. He then told me he had started seeing someone else.
4. He went out with her the night he sent me the text about spending his life with me. (He sent the text AFTER being out with her).
5. He told me he did not want to mess her around. He had only being seeing her 2 weeks compared to 2 years, 9 months with me!
6. Saw stuff later which indicates he was making a move on her whilst we were still together.
7. The reason we split was because I was not ready to move in with him. He had only given me the key to his house a month before.
8. The woman he is seeing weighs 70 plus pounds more than me. He has always criticised overweight women (and still does!!)
9. He has continued to flirt with me even though he knows I wanted to get back together with him. He has denied flirting but others agree that he has done this
10. Even after he told me about the new woman, he told me that he had made choices so that he could see me more often.
11. We work together. I am looking for another job because of all this. As far as he is concerned, he does not feel the need and thinks we can work together.
12. Before I responded to his text about a life together, we were very obviously heading back to starting the relationship. I am sure he would have been happy for us to have been seeing each other and carry on seeing the other woman without telling me.
13. Need I say more!!!!


And yes. some of you may know more of my story in that this was a man I had an affair with and that I am married so I recognise hypocrisy in some of the things I have said but I want to stop myself thinking about this ***** in a positive way and remind myself about how badly he treated me.

[Bo]

well basically u listed all the negatives about him, which is a good thing because that tells me you're aware of it at least and KNOW that it's bad. so time to make a decision. give in or not?

[Shattered]

There is no way I would give in and text him. I just want him out of my head/life.

I am working on my marriage but both my husband and I know that is made so much harder because of working with this man. I am getting over the end of the relationship with him but that is slow and there bad days as well as good. However I will get through this and show my husband that it is him I want to spend my life with.

[IndiReloaded]

1. He said it was a clean break but continued to text me.

He's a dick without any self-control.

2. One of these texts said he wanted to spend his life with me.

He's a liar too.

3. A few days after this when I responded favourably he started to back off. He then told me he had started seeing someone else.

And she was married, too, right? He's an asshole who preys on women he doesn't need to commit to.

4. He went out with her the night he sent me the text about spending his life with me. (He sent the text AFTER being out with her).

He's an attention-seeking, immature jerk. Who probably harbours multiple STDs. Get yourself tested & tell your husband.

5. He told me he did not want to mess her around. He had only being seeing her 2 weeks compared to 2 years, 9 months with me!

Bullshitter. Actions speak louder than words.

6. Saw stuff later which indicates he was making a move on her whilst we were still together.

Ditto, see above.

7. The reason we split was because I was not ready to move in with him. He had only given me the key to his house a month before.
8. The woman he is seeing weighs 70 plus pounds more than me. He has always criticised overweight women (and still does!!)
9. He has continued to flirt with me even though he knows I wanted to get back together with him. He has denied flirting but others agree that he has done this
10. Even after he told me about the new woman, he told me that he had made choices so that he could see me more often.

Asshole, ad nauseum.

11. We work together. I am looking for another job because of all this. As far as he is concerned, he does not feel the need and thinks we can work together.

Good, you need a new job & a clean break away from this jerk.

12. Before I responded to his text about a life together, we were very obviously heading back to starting the relationship. I am sure he would have been happy for us to have been seeing each other and carry on seeing the other woman without telling me.

Yep. Again, this guy preys on married women so he doesn't need to commit.

13. Need I say more!!!!

Nope.

Instead of worrying about how bad he treated you, perhaps you can work on repairing your relationship with your husband. Or getting a divorce.

How's the counselling going?

PS - Don't contact this guy anymore. You know he's bad news.

[Shattered]

The counselling is going OK. I have been seeing a counsellor on my own which has helped me clear my thoughts and the joint marriage counselling is going very well.

My husband and I have also had a good Christmas together and are looking forward to a new start with the new year.

As for the ex, unfortunately I have to see him every day at work and I cannot avoid having to talk to him. But I am keeping things to work which has spoilt some of his fun when he has tried to play his little flirting games. I have also told a work colleague some of the problems so I have some support at work (plus he has helped confirm that I have not been imagining re the behaviour of the ex towards me). Hopefully I will manage to get a new job soon.

[IndiReloaded]

You WILL pull through this, I promise. You'll have your days where you wonder why you bother, but just hang in there.

Awesome about the counselling.

That asshole at your job is a POS & I'm glad you are finally seeing him for what he is. Whatever you have done is past. All you can do is go forward & you are doing the right thing, so good for you. You will find a new job & things will only improve.

Glad you had a good xmas at home. Best wishes for many more.

EDIT: I see you are both going to counselling, missed that. Good for you, all will be well.

[Mallory]

Ok so you are married but had a relationship with a colleague at work, if I got that right.
Could it be that the man you had an affair with is very jealous of husband and started to see that other woman to pay you back and make you see how that feels?
Because it might be that this man has true feelings for you (that is why he still writes you messages - also that he wants to spend his life with you), but he is in a conflict because he does not want to be rejected, so he pretends that he AS WELL has got someone else. The one he really wants though might be YOU.

Tell me if I got something wrong.

[IndiReloaded]

NO. Mallory, there is a long history here that you don't understand.

If you want to learn more, look up Shattered's old posts. Start here & make sure you get to the end:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/24403-i-want-him-back.html[/url]

Her ex-affair partner is a snake who preys on married women and is twice divorced. He is NOT a good guy who is pining for Shattered.

[Mallory]

Ok, got something wrong here. And they say that WOMEN are complicated and their actions aren't understandable

[Shattered]

Ok so you are married but had a relationship with a colleague at work, if I got that right.
Could it be that the man you had an affair with is very jealous of husband and started to see that other woman to pay you back and make you see how that feels?
Because it might be that this man has true feelings for you (that is why he still writes you messages - also that he wants to spend his life with you), but he is in a conflict because he does not want to be rejected, so he pretends that he AS WELL has got someone else. The one he really wants though might be YOU.

Tell me if I got something wrong.

Mallory

To an extent I think there is some truth in what you say. I think he did want to continue our relationship but only on the terms that really suited him (and contrary to what he said he felt). When I indicated that I may be able to give him what he said he wanted, it was then the sudden revelation re this new woman. I think he would have been happy to see us both but when I threatened the status quo, he told me about her.

He still tries to flirt with me, still looks me up and down, does not tell anyone at work about this new woman, will try to talk about people we know in a way that assumes the confidentiality/closeness of the relationship we used to have. I would be amazed if this new woman knew about me. (I actually suspect now that she may be recently separated but she has a 6 year old son which I do not think he will be prepared to take on permanently).

I do my best to ignore the flirting (I cannot guarantee that I have no reaction whatsoever), look away when he tries to catch my eye, never ask about the woman and will keep discussions to work related subjects. But I must admit it is sometimes hard because even after all this c**p, I still have feelings for him. Overall, however, it gets easier day by day and it gets better at home with my husband.

[IndiReloaded]

But I must admit it is sometimes hard because even after all this c**p, I still have feelings for him. Overall, however, it gets easier day by day and it gets better at home with my husband.

Think of it like getting over a drug addiction. That's basically what it is. Addicts know the drug is bad for them, but they still crave it. As Giga says 'get off the needle'. In fact, learn to hate it. Remember that righteous anger for his part in ****ing up your marriage? Draw on that.

Focus on home & husband. Hug him everyday. I'm quite serious, this creates attachment chemicals in your brain. This isn't BS, there is science behind this.

And hurry up with that new job. Work as hard as you can at it. Ask for help from friends, family. The sooner you leave, the less that AssNeedle Man will affect you.

[Shattered]

Feeling totally thrown at the moment. I have just found out that he is house hunting with this new woman