Description of the Shining Knight Syndrome

[Junket]

Refer to this should anyone come along that needs a good slap in the face with reality.

Unless you just came out of a coma, you know that the late Anna Nicole Smith's ex-boyfriend is Larry Birkhead. He has been in the news since he announced he was the father of Dannielynn. One interviewer asked him why he continued to stay in the relationship despite Anna Nicole's drug use. He said he thought he could "save her". He had "knight in shining armor syndrome".

In her book, "Why We Love" author Helen Fisher states that: millions of years of protecting and providing for women has bred into the male brain this tendency to choose women they feel they need to save. What separates man from animal is his ability to think and reason. Just because it may be natural for men to be chivalrous, it doesn't mean they can't place a limit on just how far they will go.

Should they open a door, pull out a chair, take a woman's hand when crossing the street or give her their jacket if she's cold? Absolutely. Should they try to save a woman whose life is a mess? They do so at their own peril.

Men try to save damsels in distress because it makes them feel powerful, in control and manly. Sometimes they are afraid of women and think they won't be rejected if they fix a woman's problems. They hide their inadequacies behind what looks like strength. They know they don't have their act together, so instead of working on themselves they'd rather work on someone else. Such relationships are doomed to fail.

If these men really were strong, they would not be trying to save someone that appears to be a victim. They don't realize that aside from a few circumstances beyond one's control (acts of God, accidents, disease, etc.) one's position in life is based on who they are on the inside, not someone or something "out there". There is an axiom that says: There are no victims, only volunteers.

Knights believe that if the woman gets better, she'll become the perfect girlfriend. The only problem is that if she does become healthy, she will not want to be with someone who is so flawed that he tolerated being with a "broken-winged bird". Healthy people do not want to be with unhealthy people.

On the other hand, if she doesn't get better, the man will never have the perfect girlfriend because he won't get his needs met. In addition, his fears of an intimate relationship will not be repaired by staying with an inadequate woman. It's a no-win situation.

Why else do men choose damsels in distress? According to Dr. Laura in her book, "Ten Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" other reasons for "stupid chivalry" are: guilt for past transgressions and lifestyles, feelings of real or imagined inadequacies, fear of the pain of abandonment, loneliness, ego aggrandizement, fears about women's (aka Mom's) approval and acceptance and a fragmented sense of masculinity. If you're currently trying to be a knight in shining armor, what's your reason?

Just because a man doesn't acknowledge that a woman is responsible for her circumstances, it doesn't mean those same circumstances won't come back to bite him in the butt at some future date. Larry Birkhead's life is now chaotic as the result of trying to save a woman whose life was chaotic. Would you want to be in his shoes?

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[JDash3]

Great post... I totally agree... I've been in a relationship before where I felt really bad for her... I liked her as a friend but she liked me more than that... I ended up feeling guilty and dating her because I thought I could give her what she was missing... I can honestly tell you from experience that men or woman should "run" from people that are a disaster... Not "walk" but run... They'll end up taking down you with them... You can't fix someone else... Even though you might be blinded and unable to see that at that moment.

[FightorFlight]

That's actually very true, and not just in relationships. I have gone through a number of close friends who were having issues in their life which I tried to help them through. I thought that if I was there for them when they needed me, they would appreciate me enough that they would eventually leave their problems behind and remain close friends with me forever. That's not what happened at all. At some point, it backfires on you and, somewhere in their messed up mind, they decide that YOU are the root of their problems.

All of those friends ended up ditching me or getting into constant fights with me for no reason (which became progressively more frequent and more intense). I've since learned my lesson.

[confused444]

i think i got this syndrome..
i wanted to protect my ex-girlfriend at all cost that i became like his brother or father...i tried my best so that she success, but i neglected a lot our relationship!! all i did was for her welfare & i forgot our welfare..

all this result in the fact i lost her love & now i guessed she felt guilty for what happened & me i am lost as i don't know what to do anymore....

[ridden123]

Jesus christ. Why do you take everything so seriously? There's nothing wrong with being a "knight in shining armor".

I don't like "perfect people", maybe I like dating girls who aren't "perfect people". That doesn't mean I'm flawed in some way.

[Junket]

Jesus christ. Why do you take everything so seriously? There's nothing wrong with being a "knight in shining armor".

I don't like "perfect people", maybe I like dating girls who aren't "perfect people". That doesn't mean I'm flawed in some way.

Yes it does.

[ridden123]

yep so everybody has to have a partner with blonde hair and blue eyes.

[Junket]

yep so everybody has to have a partner with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Exactly.
_______

[starbuck]

Jesus christ. Why do you take everything so seriously? There's nothing wrong with being a "knight in shining armor".

I don't like "perfect people", maybe I like dating girls who aren't "perfect people". That doesn't mean I'm flawed in some way.

The Shining Knight Syndrome isn't about dating people who have simple flaws. It's about dating people who have major problems in order to feel somewhat better about yourself (whether you realize this or not).

The whole relationship becomes less about what you need in a partner and more about what you can do to "fix" the other person. You completely forget how to have a healthy relationship in order to try and achieve what the person needs to achieve on his/her own. Often you will become the broken person's resentful crutch, not equal, loving partner.

A person should never become your project.

[mrkleen]

Ridden

I have been reading up on this for a while, there is nothing wrong with liking to take care of a woman, buying her nice things from time to time, opening doors for them, etc. There is also nothing wrong with helping people to work through their issues when they need a friend.

But if you are never getting anything in return and constantly disappointed in your relationships, and eventually you meet someone else and repeat the same cycle – it is a problem.

I am getting closer and closer to being a balanced rescuer – and my current girlfriend is a lot like me, also very caring and giving and likes to take care of people. We are keeping a positive balance and it is SO GOOD….truly the most healthy relationship I have ever been in.

Keep being a good guy. Keep doing nice things for people and helping them out. But be weary if you fall into a pattern of always trying to save people. People need to be responsible for themselves and need to want to work on their own issues….you cannot be a boyfriend and a shrink at the same time…it is totally unhealthy.

[qtip]

So I fell for someone once who had pretty major issues and I thought that me helping her would make it all better, because she'd call and unload on me. I thought I was a good person for listening to her, that'll never change. But it's just, some people are advantageous and want someone to unload on, maybe because nobody else will, maybe they know it makes you feel empathy for them, I don't know. But there's a point where I think your partner knows that you'll do anything for them, and if they're manipulative, they'll start closing in on ya.

[irrelevant_89]

The Shining Knight Syndrome isn't about dating people who have simple flaws. It's about dating people who have major problems in order to feel somewhat better about yourself (whether you realize this or not).

I started reading this and I thought "damn, I have Shining Knight Syndrome". You know, because of that non-girl thing... she had a whole lot of issues, but I didn't care about that and tried to "support her" and "help her overcome them" as much as one can online... to no avail of course. She never even let me see her again.

Then I thought a little more and I realized that's not what I have. Simply put, I think only a very flawed woman would want to be with me, so if I get the chance, I can't complain about whatever issues she may have - which is very different.

[starbuck]

I started reading this and I thought "damn, I have Shining Knight Syndrome". You know, because of that non-girl thing... she had a whole lot of issues, but I didn't care about that and tried to "support her" and "help her overcome them" as much as one can online... to no avail of course. She never even let me see her again.

Then I thought a little more and I realized that's not what I have. Simply put, I think only a very flawed woman would want to be with me, so if I get the chance, I can't complain about whatever issues she may have - which is very different.

See this sounds classic Shining Knight to me. People with SKS usually have low self-esteem. Why else wouldn't someone feel he/she deserves better than a person with a million problems?

[irrelevant_89]

I guess, but self-esteem is the issue, not SKS.

[QuietLady]

They have to be nice (nice guy syndrome), they have to please (people pleasers), they have to fix others or take care of others (knight in shining armor syndrome, florence nightingale effect),

I've always been like that. My Dad got involved with my Mom, 'rescuing' her and then got involved with my step mom who verbally and emotionally and psychologically abused me. With my own mother, I had to sometimes remain calm while she had temper tantrums while visiting and my Dad wouldn't let me 'not visit' her. People who don't have it together are likely not going to get it together on their own and people forget easily, all too easily, that it's okay to walk away from a wreck.

I am fed up with paying the price for someone else's rescue complex and I am sick and tired of the dysfunctional getting all the second chances. I was robbed of my childhood, adolescence, teen years, and young adulthood because of my father's decision to rescue both nutzoid women. To make them my mothers no less. There's nothing worse than growing up in a chaotic environment because Daddy Dearest decided to play the Knight Savior of messed up women.

So I fell for someone once who had pretty major issues and I thought that me helping her would make it all better, because she'd call and unload on me. I thought I was a good person for listening to her, that'll never change. But it's just, some people are advantageous and want someone to unload on, maybe because nobody else will, maybe they know it makes you feel empathy for them, I don't know. But there's a point where I think your partner knows that you'll do anything for them, and if they're manipulative, they'll start closing in on ya.

Indeed they do.

[RightSaidNed]

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt; still get the odd random txt from the ex, never going back to that though.

I also suffer from 'Friends Zone Syndrome' and occasionally I get the 'Easily Tricked by Hot women into helping them Syndrome' fortunately, I've mostly wised up to it now