I'm boring so why does she still want to hang out with me?

[IndiReloaded]

People usually date, fall in love with, and marry others that are similar in intellect, and sheer physical beauty as themselves.. Opposites do NOT attractive... Like seeks like, it is scientific fact.

Seems to me this FACT is in dispute, based on the very references you posted:

As much as our intuitions may tell us that mating and happiness in close relationships must be somehow related to the “chemistry,” that is, the compatibility between the dispositions of both partners, the empirical literature offers little or inconsistent data to support this view. In other words, how two personalities may be best combined in a relationship remains at present an unresolved issue.

And this study didn't really do much to resolve things:

Taken together, these findings suggest three important conclu-
sions: first, that similarity models of personality compatibility do
not perform well when formulated as universal algorithms of
compatibility but acquire predictive power when defined as spe-
cific algorithms applied to selected personality traits and to types
of individuals. Second, and more specifically, similarity on Agree-
ableness and Openness appears to be more important in determin
ing compatibility than similarity on other traits. Third, the traits in
which people subjectively desire to be similar appear to be the
same traits in which similarity matters in actual relationships.

Translation: the studies suck and have limited, if any, predictive power. Also, how badly couples WANT to be compatible affects the results. LOL! If that isn't a confounding problem, I dunno what is.

This was interesting, tho I have no idea if its true:

Compared to women, men tend to be confronted with partners that have more powerful and incisive IMPCs. As a result, not living up to women’s ideal standards may be particularly consequential.


I hate psychology research. Such a soft science. Do enough studies, eventually you will find something. Einstein said this years ago. Give me a clean physics or biochem result any time.

Mind, I only really looked at one of the published papers b/c it was in a journal I actually heard of. Its possible one of the other papers resolves this, but I haven't read it yet and some of those other papers have yet to be published (i.e. peer reviewed).

[Petit Papillon]

Haha once Chemistry professor at my Uni told us that there were a guy, I don't remember his name, who received Nobel prize,and few years later other scientist found out that this was a bull shit hehe I'm sure there is more such bull shits I have to learn now and in few years it will all be totally different. It's already like that. Ask Your parents ,they have learned something else than You or Your kids. Ahh Science is crazy

[IndiReloaded]

Science isn't that bad, PP. But problems arise when folks start calling fact something that is hypothesis. Not the same.

For me, the real test of a science FACT is the test of predictability. Personally, I'd need to see a well-controlled, longterm, longitudinal study that shows CLEARLY folks who are well-matched in various personality traits will have significantly less relationship problems and/or divorce.

Mbe there are such studies, but I've never heard of such. And the one I read certainly wasn't. That by itself doesn't mean anything since I'm not a psych researcher; not familiar with the literature. Mbe there is one, if so I'd like to read it.

What I do know, tho, is that capitalism wouldn't stand still if there was a RELIABLE test for relationship compatibility. It, and the person/group who came up with it would be famous. And probably richer than Bill Gates.

What I take take from that paper is that, as Carl said intuitively, is that relationships are complex. I mean, basically folks can DECIDE to become compatible. This is not news. Old wise women called this 'molding oneself to ones partner'. And we all know how that kind of situation often ends up.

[qualia1234]

Fair enough, qualia. I guess my biggest objection to your "rate by looks" suggestion is that I have seen many cases otherwise.

One that sticks out in my mind was a friend in High School. He was less than attractive, less than average even. He was gangly, bad hair on a good hair day, and had a bad complection. Yet he could attract any woman he wanted ... real hotties ... because he had enormous CONFIDENCE.

So while I can appreciate the plight of the "average" in looks, I just wonder whether they fail because of their looks or because of their belief that they are not worthy because of them.

Oops .. that was Psychology ... sorry!

Carl.

The point is the OP was originally (probably) attracted to the girl BECAUSE of her relatively good/better physical looks. While it is human nature for all of us to want to seek outside our "league" and to have HIGHER standards and expectations than what we are capable of delivering in return (in short we don't just want an equal, we subconsciously want a BETTER THAN..) it is mathematically impossible for this to scale and apply to everyone (just like we can't all get rich playing the lottery, and we can't all be in the "top 10 percentile" of anything..) .... So while you can sit here and name exceptions all day the fact of the matter is we cannot in general expect to all be able to acquire mates above our own level... Life just doesn't work that way.. sry... Heck I'd love to fall in love with the most beautiful girl ever imagined but that doesn't mean she would even want to give me the time of day... and I wouldn't blame her.

By expecting, and hoping that the girl (the girl OP mentions and many others like her in similar situations) should "see past the skin and LOOK INSIDE" aren't we being a little bit hypocritically when we come back to square one and re-remember why precisely it is that OP is interested in girl in the first place? EXACTLY. Why should she voluntarily downgrade herself 2 runs on the ladder while he convenient gets a free ride upgrade to first class elegance? Would he extend the same courtesy to another girl who happens to be two levels below him in the looks department? Would he see past the skin and look at the inner beauty and personality traits instead? I think it is fair enough to say that most men would most certainly NOT! (I wouldn't..) See how shallow we ALL are? At least I admit to it...

[qualia1234]

Science isn't that bad, PP. But problems arise when folks start calling fact something that is hypothesis. Not the same.

For me, the real test of a science FACT is the test of predictability. Personally, I'd need to see a well-controlled, longterm, longitudinal study that shows CLEARLY folks who are well-matched in various personality traits will have significantly less relationship problems and/or divorce.

Mbe there are such studies, but I've never heard of such. And the one I read certainly wasn't. That by itself doesn't mean anything since I'm not a psych researcher; not familiar with the literature. Mbe there is one, if so I'd like to read it.

What I do know, tho, is that capitalism wouldn't stand still if there was a RELIABLE test for relationship compatibility. It, and the person/group who came up with it would be famous. And probably richer than Bill Gates.

What I take take from that paper is that, as Carl said intuitively, is that relationships are complex. I mean, basically folks can DECIDE to become compatible. This is not news. Old wise women called this 'molding oneself to ones partner'. And we all know how that kind of situation often ends up.

Sorry to burst your bubble but there is nothing and noone doing the "deciding"... The "decider" really isn't.

[IndiReloaded]

Really? You sure? So what did this statement mean, then:

Third, the traits in
which people subjectively desire to be similar appear to be the same traits in which similarity matters in actual relationships.

That sure sounds like a decision to me. But perhaps I'm not understanding the study. As I say, I'm not a psychologist.

[qualia1234]

Really? You sure? So what did this statement mean, then:



That sure sounds like a decision to me. But perhaps I'm not understanding the study. As I say, I'm not a psychologist.

Just because I linked to a paper doesn't mean everything in there is necessarily correct. What I meant is "free will" and "choice" is an illusion, as is the ability to "decide" and be "free".. I can back this up but I have "decided" not to.

[IndiReloaded]

What I meant is "free will" and "choice" is an illusion, as is the ability to "decide" and be "free".. I can back this up but I have "decided" not to.

Bullshit, until proven otherwise. Sorry. Like folks who believe in smurfs but "decide" not to back up their belief.

[doppelgaenger]

Lick the letter A, B, C, D... Women seem to really like letter T. (Old Sam Kinison skit.)

Haha! Sam Kinison was a great comedian.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VURr6jnWQ"]YouTube - Sam Kinison First Appearance on Letterman[/ame]

[Charlie Boy II]

I actually used to use that alphabet tracing technique when I was starting out in the growling out game, but then I forgot about it. I think I might use it again.

[3mwmb]

Hey ladies out there, sorry for the long post but I'm posting here in hopes to get some insight about myself and the girl that I'm seeing.

Anyway, first, a little bit about myself. I guess I'm what you would call the "easy-going" guy. Ya know, the one that just kicks back and relaxes. I usually just go with the flow. Few complaints, if any. And things rarely piss me off. Yep, I'm that kinda guy. But while all that seems fine and dandy, I can honestly say that I'm boring as well. I'm not exactly "Mr.Fat-Wallet" nor "Mr.Right-For-Her". My jokes are so dry they fail. I'm also socially retarded as far as what's hot and what's not. (I'm in my early 20's, which is sad.) I suppose I could go on and on about all the negative aspects about me, but ya know, I do still have a little bit of pride left in me, so I'll just leave it at that.

As for this girl, she's the opposite. Been around, knows helluva lot more than me (especially along the lines of entertainment), she's also easy-going but at the same time she's not afraid to be blunt about how she truly feels.

And I guess it was this certain "honesty" and "real-ness" about her that made me attracted to her in the first place. We've hung out plenty of times and at some point she figured out that I like her but she (unfortunately, and unsurprisingly as well) couldn't return those same feelings towards me.

Alright, I'm cool with that (well, not initially, of course) but the thing that gets me is why does she still want to hang out with me? Just to be friends? Did she feel obligated (out of guilt) to spend time with me because I like her but she doesn't like me back? We usually hang out just the two of us and let me tell ya, we've had numerous uncomfortable silent moments. It'd come to the point in which we'd just say random things in hopes to keep the conversations flowing, and knowing her, this is saying a lot. I don't blame her though. I blame myself for not being able to string conversations along.

So, really, does anyone know why this girl still wants to hang out with me? I don't think I'm a doormat, it's not like I pay for everything and I do forget my manners every now and then (not on purpose, of course). So what does she see in me that I don't see in myself? Or, am I just looking far into this?

I am in a similar position in that I sound like you and a girl at work sounds like the girl you like(d) i.e. I am interested and she knows but does not feel same way. I am not much of a conversationalist compared to her and as such we have occasionally had those awkward moments of silence from time to time. Things were pretty awkward when she found out I liked her and she could have quite easily stopped hanging out with me at lunch, getting coffee and talking at the office and kept it strictly work things, but she hasn't.

Now that there isn’t anymore awkwardness than usually created by my lack of conversation skills we get on like friends (though my feelings have not changed, I know it’s not healthy for me but that’s a different story).

Some of the things that have gone through my mind as to why we did hang out at work and why we still do are:

- She feels sorry for me or feels guilty,
- She only wants to stay friends so she can get help from me at work.
- She likes the attention I give and it makes here feel good about herself (she is 10 years older than me).
- She puts up with me since its difficult to avoid someone in a work environment.

I think its natural to assume the worst, that somehow your not worthwhile as a person , everyone likes to feel sorry for themselves from time to time but if you were friends before she found out she likes you she probably just likes your company, and enough so to put up with knowing that she can’t give you what you want.

In my case I am hoping that she trusts me and likes that when she talks to me i listen, that I take genuine interest in her. She probably feels safe talking to me about most things and I am always there when she needs to talk and let off steam.

Sorry for the long post.

[IndiReloaded]

The point is the OP was originally (probably) attracted to the girl BECAUSE of her relatively good/better physical looks. While it is human nature for all of us to want to seek outside our "league" and to have HIGHER standards and expectations than what we are capable of delivering in return (in short we don't just want an equal, we subconsciously want a BETTER THAN..) it is mathematically impossible for this to scale and apply to everyone (just like we can't all get rich playing the lottery, and we can't all be in the "top 10 percentile" of anything..) .... So while you can sit here and name exceptions all day the fact of the matter is we cannot in general expect to all be able to acquire mates above our own level... Life just doesn't work that way.. sry... Heck I'd love to fall in love with the most beautiful girl ever imagined but that doesn't mean she would even want to give me the time of day... and I wouldn't blame her.

By expecting, and hoping that the girl (the girl OP mentions and many others like her in similar situations) should "see past the skin and LOOK INSIDE" aren't we being a little bit hypocritically when we come back to square one and re-remember why precisely it is that OP is interested in girl in the first place? EXACTLY. Why should she voluntarily downgrade herself 2 runs on the ladder while he convenient gets a free ride upgrade to first class elegance? Would he extend the same courtesy to another girl who happens to be two levels below him in the looks department? Would he see past the skin and look at the inner beauty and personality traits instead? I think it is fair enough to say that most men would most certainly NOT! (I wouldn't..) See how shallow we ALL are? At least I admit to it...

Wow. I guess we should all just accept our lot in life and never try to better ourselves?

Good heavens. I guess Hannibal should have bellied up to the Romans and Obama should have bowed out gracefully to Hillary.

I bet you voted McCain, lol.

[Aeradalia]

Wow. I guess we should all just accept our lot in life and never try to better ourselves?

Good heavens. I guess Hannibal should have bellied up to the Romans and Obama should have bowed out gracefully to Hillary.

I bet you voted McCain, lol.

I'm glad I didn't... my guy is at least two tiers above me... and out of my league for sure...

Though I was more impressed by his intellect, creativity, and intuition... as I have learned that appearance or physical attractiveness can be misleading.

[Ruval]

Lol whoa, I feel like I've learned so much reading this thread in the past 10 minutes than sitting in a Psychology class for a whole semester!

@ qualia1234: I'd prefer to remain anonymous so I won't post any pics. But to give you an idea I am average-looking with an average height and average build. I have started working out earlier last year but it wasn't for her, it was for myself. As for the girl, she's pretty but isn't "out of my league" so-to-speak. She does, however, have an attractive charm about her and it's no wonder why she has many guys falling for her. Thing is, I already know I'm in her friendzone and therefore I'm not pursuing her anymore. My predicament isn't so much as trying to win her over but more like resolving a confusing situation: I'm not her type and I don't think I'm exciting enough to be with her, so why is it that she takes the initiative to invite me to hang out with her? She has plenty of friends (most of them guys) so I'm sure she doesn't have a problem hand-picking. Why am I still in the picture? And 99% of the time it's just her and me, no one else. Those who don't know any better would think we were dating...

@ IndiReloaded: Lol, yeah, "interested in me as a friend", maybe...

@ 3mwmb: I thought about some of that stuff that you mentioned. And I agree it's natural to just assume the worst, but at the same time, you have to wonder if the girl isn't in the least-bit interested in a guy then would she really waste her time spending with him? I mean, unless the guy's a doormat and he feeds her ego then perhaps that's the only exception.

@ Aeradalia:

I have learned that appearance or physical attractiveness can be misleading.

Yeah, I can definitely vouch for that...

[Lite]

Haha! Sam Kinison was a great comedian.

Sam Kinison First Appearance on Letterman[/url]

I always loved that he started out as a fire and brimstone style preacher.