Third date

[lesa]

But that sounds like game-playing to me (which I abhor). I'm fine with playing it a little bit cool, but I really WANT to sleep with him and when we start making out, I know it's going to be hard to resist. You guys have told me to wait as well. But now that the chemistry has kicked in, waiting is going to be hard.

I need a good Love Forum talk-down pronto!

You abhor game-playing? This is good game-playing! I thought that you like playing video games, etc. When he picks you up for the date, what do you wear? Did you do your hair? Your nails? Your face? Why do you do those things? Is it because you are entertaining him? This is the good game-playing darling. If you don't like it then you shouldn't date and just get friends with benefits.

Of course making out makes you want to do it. lol. Maybe you should resist the making out too. That would really make him hot and bothered for you.

And what's with the "chemistry" word? That's the oldest trick in the book excuse for major connection that women (and maybe men) make before ****ing up a potential relationship.

[starbuck]

I have a hunch that he is good relationship material, but of course, you guys are right I don't know for sure.

So should I cancel the date? Or tell him I want to move slower? Or suggest something non-overnight? I really like him and I want to play this right.

[starbuck]

You abhor game-playing? This is good game-playing! I thought that you like playing video games, etc. When he picks you up for the date, what do you wear? Did you do your hair? Your nails? Your face? Why do you do those things? Is it because you are entertaining him? This is the good game-playing darling. If you don't like it then you shouldn't date and just get friends with benefits.

Of course making out makes you want to do it. lol. Maybe you should resist the making out too. That would really make him hot and bothered for you.

And what's with the "chemistry" word? That's the oldest trick in the book excuse for major connection that women (and maybe men) make before ****ing up a potential relationship.

No offense Lesa, but we can't make out forever. After a while you need to move on to something else. I'm just not sure what difference a week makes. Unless you're saying I should wait a month or two.

I don't think I can wait a month. I'm not a nun. I feel like you guys think I'm a total slut though

[lesa]

Don't stretch it out just to play hard to get though, that gets old very quickly.

I wouldn't give a specific date. That's silly and senseless. However, I would certainly give it more that 2.5 weeks for a "relationship material man". This man could be a convicted fugitive or worse--a sloth.

If he is not relationship material then my comments do not apply.

[Lite]

Let's face it, Hellboy 2 isn't exactly a great movie here. Sure it's campy and has some of the fun of the first movie, but it's not the original. I would imagine something more along the lines of a romantic movie if I wanted to get into someone's pants.

Me personally I'd request an STD screen before moving further as well as schedule myself for one. It gives you a few more days of breathing room. Do the date, leave the overnight bag at home, keep it simple. It isn't like you have to go further or not as far as you did already. If he's OK w/ that for a bit then I'd imagine he should be OK w/ waiting a bit longer for a piece of the cookie.

At some point you need to breathe and differentiate between body chemistry and relationship chemistry. Figuring that out sooner rather than later is good.

[lesa]

I have a hunch that he is good relationship material, but I of course, you guys are right I don't know for sure.

So should I cancel the date? Or tell him I want to move slower? Or suggest something non-overnight?

No way would I cancel a date with a guy I was really into! He sounds lovely from what I read. He's getting a little lazy but that's typical. Don't let my comments have that affect on you. I would probably cancel staying overnight and I would probably see if he was up to something outside the home but if he was not I would not make a fuss of it. I would be in the same situation that you are in. Don’t ruin the progression.

I am just trying to talk you out of it like you asked.

I am no professional and I not sure who is on this forum. The married women and women in a long term relationship may help you out with advice. Really I think the males are the ones to ask. If the males can open up and be honest here for a moment. I noticed a few have already posted. The majority of people are saying wait. Of course there will ALWAYS be a minority of people who sex soon and have a wonderful long term relationship (btw I define long term as >5 years to life ). He may not be the one and then you can turn him into a fun toy but don't do it backwards. Don't sex him and then expect him to have the same desires.

Think about it. Imagine sexing him this very moment. You would be stuck with excitement doing nothing but that when you see each other. The potential for progression would drastically slow down. He would not be as open. You don’t know what he really wants and he doesn’t know what you really want. Your actions will speak for you.

[Mish]

So should I cancel the date? Or tell him I want to move slower? Or suggest something non-overnight? I really like him and I want to play this right.

I don't think you need to cancel dates, maybe just have it in a more romantic setting, somewhere where you can look into each other's eyes and talk. Find out the aspirations.

^^^ For me the above usually happens after sex when we lie in bed. But I realize though that sometimes things come out which aren't easy to accept, but since the deal has already been sealed with the act it's hard to go back. Sometimes I wish I'd wait on sex and find other ways to extract that information. Big red flags for me 1. People who don't know where they are going and don't know what they want out of life (always trouble!) 2. People who are never happy 3. People who expect their partner to carry all their load for them 4. Cry babies 5. Control freaks (Best to discover them before sex).

[starbuck]

I want to find out how he views me, but I'm not sure if I should ask or how.

I also don't know what excuse to give him for not staying overnight.

[starbuck]

I am just trying to talk you out of it like you asked.

Oh, I know. And I value your opinion, Lesa. I think I'm just being a pain in that ass because you're saying what I don't want to hear, but know that you have a point.

[Lite]

I want to find out how he views me, but I'm not sure if I should ask or how.

I also don't know what excuse to give him for not staying overnight.

I'm on the second week of a new job and am still working out my new morning routine right now. Perhaps a weekend would be better suited for staying over instead?

[Mish]

I also don't know what excuse to give him for not staying overnight.

Have an idea of something romantic you would like to do with him. Go to an Opera or theater or some other big event, have dinner in a restaurant and then walk hand in hand through the harbour of the city where you can talk. Tell him you'd like to have a romantic evening with him, I think he would understand. Then you can ask him all sorts of important questions that should make you make up your mind.

[starbuck]

Well the problem is that I'm waiting to get paid for my new job and the both of us already talked about how we were going to be frugal and do cheap things this month. So I'll sound kind of inconsistent if I suggest something expensive.

[Cain]

Watch DVD at his apartment, takeouts and sleep over in a sleeping bag after dating for two and half weeks? DAMN!

Unless he is trying to control how you spend your time, all he wants to do is sex you. It doesn’t’ matter if he is a gentlemen or not. Sex is natural. You know this yourself.

Wow that fun died down quickly. He is losing energy too soon and now is trying to see how easy it is to get into those pants. Is he “tired” already? So he couldn't keep up the dates outside of the sleeping quarters huh?

Really? You think sleeping over after two weeks is a bad thing? Come on now. It's not like she's moving her shit in and getting rid of her apartment. She's just considering spending a night with the guy.

So, by him wanting her to spend the night, he ONLY wants sex from her? None of us can say what he does or does not want. We don't know him. In fact, we've never spoken to him. She has a better idea of this than we do.

And so what if he does want to sleep with her? She wants to sleep with him too. Just because a guy gets laid doesn't mean that he automatically loses interest. In fact, if he does lose interest after then the interest was never really there in the first place.

Resistance IS the fun. Are you interested in a long term relationship or a boy toy? Like I said, sex is natural and fun but the real fun for him and you as well is the resistance. No amount of sex can beat the feeling you get because you two are resisting.

Resistance might be fun for you. And it might be fun in the beginning for the guy. But why in the hell should a guy have fun pursuing a girl that is resisting him for several weeks when there are other women out there that don't play those childish games. Yes, make the guy work for your attention in the very beginning... not after multiple weeks.

If that's all you guys have then what a bore it must be to be with him. You do those things to a boy toy...not a "relationship potential man". He's so excited now and thinking you may be "relationship material". You sex him and he may show a desire for a few more months but quickly and maybe unconsciously put you in the "girl toy" category.

Once you become "sex toy only" you will never get out. Kiss a chance at a long term relationship goodbye.

This could happen whether they have sex or not. Sex isn't some magical button that shuts off attraction. Like I said before, if having sex removes the attraction, then the attraction was never fully there in the first place.

Right now get to know this guy. He wants you to build emotional intimacy...not physical intimacy. He wants you to get to know him. He may have 40 ex wives and 100 kids in Europe. You don't know him enough to sex him and then expect a relationship. Sex doesn’t mean that you are in a relationship. You sex him now and he will think that is all that you want.

Have you discuss the choice of having an exclusive relationship?

Geez, go masturbate somewhere.

Yeah, he may. But she could wait six months before she sexes him and it doesn't mean she'll know everything about him.

It's funny to me that a lot of you are telling her to wait and wait and wait when most of you have had sex on the first or second date.

[Mish]

Well the problem is that I'm waiting to get paid for my new job and the both of us already talked about how we were going to be frugal and do cheap things this month. So I'll sound kind of inconsistent if I suggest something expensive.

Go to stand up comedy, grab a kebab for dinner, then walk and talk hand in hand in the city center?

[Lite]

Tell him you'd like to have a romantic evening with him, I think he would understand. Then you can ask him all sorts of important questions that should make you make up your mind.

Not living in the NYC area I wouldn't know, but depending on their respective locations putting such kind of energy into a mid-week meeting might not be possible. If it takes you an hour to get home, an hour to get ready, and an hour to get somewhere to eat, that's 3 hours and you haven't ordered food yet.

For me a quiet evening cuddling can be far more romantic than going to an opera. There's a lot of pomp and circumstance that, while they can provide for a good periodic memory, they're not so conducive to actual bonding. A walk together in a park would be better suited for such. Or, cooking a meal for someone, or well... Any number of things.

If you truly must do the movie route find something romantic to curl up to. Love Me if You Dare is cute and fatalistic while still being characteristically French. Amelie perhaps? Movies that feature quirky people falling in love seem to always help...

If you're going for a really hot night, chocolate fondue, paint brushes, some old sheets, and a copy of The Pillow Book on DVD should do you.