Third date

[lesa]

No offense Lesa, but we can't make out forever. After a while you need to move on to something else. I'm just not sure what difference a week makes. Unless you're saying I should wait a month or two.

I don't think I can wait a month. I'm not a nun. I feel like you guys think I'm a total slut though

Of course you are not a slut. Sluts entertain men because they have low sex esteem.

You are just feeling the natural urges.

If he was just a fun toy I would have no comments but I sense that you want more. I like to hear and read happy stories and yours sound nice. I don't want it to turn around. I sense that it can. It happens very quickly.

You feel that he is relationship material without giving it the potential to progress that way. The way to a relationship is through communication--talking and opening up to reach others. Actually it’s not words that give you that desire for a relationship. It’s a build up of attraction beyond the physical resulting from communication and compatibility. Sex is a distraction to that. Without sex he has to think about his real reasons of being with you. Without sex you will have to think about your real reasons of wanting him.

After you two have established a desire to see where the exclusive relationship goes is the time to sex and when you do, you have the relationship in your mind in all actions that you do. Right now you have no relationship. You would be naïve to think that you do and think he agrees.

Sexing him now is interfering with a potential relationship.

You don't have to take my word for it, we are on the same Love Forum Relationship Discussion site...just look around.

[1averagejoe]

Tell him you just got swamped with something from work and you can't stay the entire night.

Don't **** him yet Starbucks. Don't be a dirty, little, horny, slut. It's only been 2.5 weeks, that's nothing. Like I said before, I'd be happy to help you out.










fyi...you're not a slut, just a little motivation.

[Cain]

Coming from MY experience, I don't buy into this sex ruining a potential relationship shit.

Of all the girls I've ****ed, only one was a girl I was interested in. And the desire never dissipated. The relationship ended... a year and a half later... because it just wasn't going to work. Not because we had sex.

[Mish]

On the other hand if plans for staying overnight have already been made, breaking them can be taken the wrong way as well

[lesa]

Cain did I trigger something personal?

I said there are a minority of relationships that work after sexing within a short time and then pursuing a relationship. Would you rather we say that she go and do whatever and that everything will be all right?

If a man tells me that my behavior is childish because I did not resist my urges, I would think he is not a strong enough man for me. I need a man that won't whine because he didn't get any within the first few dates. I would lose my admiration for him very quickly. Now I must resist my urges of murdering him.

I don't know the guy and you don't know the guy but I can certainly imagine. What would be your reasons for inviting a woman to spend the night?

What advice would you give your adult daughter in this situation? Would she have that kind of relationship to be that open with you?

[Charlie Boy II]

You don't have to give him an excuse for not staying over. Just tell him you've only been dating for just over two weeks and you're not ready

Anyway, the reasons I think you should wait are quite different from Lesa's.

When you make a guy wait you are impressing on him that you are of value. That not many people get to experience what he is (possibly) going to get. That he is pursuing something of real worth.

If you give him everything too quickly it may encourage him to take a casual attitude towards you and towards the privelige of having sex with you.

I don't think you're within 1,000 miles of being a slut. And you sound like you have excellent judgement. The above is just something I'd at least have a think about.

[vashti]

I haven't read this whole thread, but have you established some sort of exclusivity agreement, Starbuck? i think I'd wait for that (unless you are just interested in having sex).

Also, I'm pretty sure if you sleep with him now (without a relationship), the impression you will give is that you sleep with men outside of relationships. I'm not sure that is the message you want to send if you are hoping to turn this into something lasting.

[Mish]

Also, I'm prety sure if you sleep with him now (without a relationship), the impression you willl give is that you sleep with men outside of relationships.

I agree that sex and exclusivity should go hand in hand. If they don't there comes a suspicion of promiscuity.

[lesa]

Of all the girls I've ****ed, only one was a girl I was interested in. And the desire never dissipated. The relationship ended... a year and a half later... because it just wasn't going to work. Not because we had sex.

Okay. Now we have gotten great advice and a perfect example.

Like I said sex doesn't mean that a person desires you for long term nor does it make someone want you for more than sex. You have to determine if there is a strong connection and compatibility—and the key here is that the feeling MUST be MUTUAL. That may take two days, two weeks, two months, or two years (but hopefully you would have figured it out by then and not waste time). Right now you guys have passion for the physical. Physical means little to an individual. Just ask the pornography industry.

If sex would get someone to desire you long term, the prostitutes would be able keep the same man until they were too old to figure out what goes where.

[Cain]

I agree that sex and exclusivity should go hand in hand. If they don't there comes a suspicion of promiscuity.

The issue with that is that some people date around until they have a reason to be exclusive. They have to find someone that they want to be in a relationship with. But one of the important aspects of a potential relationship is physical compatibility.

[DoesntMatter]

Of all the girls I've ****ed, only one was a girl I was interested in.

You said you were interested in me...

[lesa]

You don't have to give him an excuse for not staying over. Just tell him you've only been dating for just over two weeks and you're not ready

Anyway, the reasons I think you should wait are quite different from Lesa's.

When you make a guy wait you are impressing on him that you are of value. That not many people get to experience what he is (possibly) going to get. That he is pursuing something of real worth.

If you give him everything too quickly it may encourage him to take a casual attitude towards you and towards the privelige of having sex with you.

I don't think you're within 1,000 miles of being a slut. And you sound like you have excellent judgement. The above is just something I'd at least have a think about.

I haven't read this whole thread, but have you established some sort of exclusivity agreement, Starbuck? i think I'd wait for that (unless you are just interested in having sex).

Also, I'm prety sure if you sleep with him now (without a relationship), the impression you willl give is that you sleep with men outside of relationships. I'm not sure that is the message you want to send if you are hoping to turn this into something lasting.

CB I agree and believe the exact same thing as what you, vashti, et al are saying. In fact I may have posted about value and seeking an exclusive relationship eariler. That's my main reason for posting. So that she will show that she is valuable and goes the exclusive route. If she doesn't he may assume she wants other things.

I'm just thinking of other reasons as well.

[Mish]

But one of the important aspects of a potential relationship is physical compatibility.

Well, in the worst case if there is no physical compatibility and nothing else works then the relationship can be dissolved. We're not talking about a destructive divorce here. In the meantime the couple would know that they are both committed and disease free (always a good idea to know results of a blood test as well, I do one every year.)

[starbuck]

I haven't read this whole thread, but have you established some sort of exclusivity agreement, Starbuck? i think I'd wait for that (unless you are just interested in having sex).

Also, I'm pretty sure if you sleep with him now (without a relationship), the impression you will give is that you sleep with men outside of relationships. I'm not sure that is the message you want to send if you are hoping to turn this into something lasting.

Ok, so couldn't this by corrected by just having a conversation with him first about it? Like just say, "You know I really want to, but I want to make sure that you're on the same page with exclusivity?"

We just spent the last couple of hours on the phone and out of the blue, he said "L, I know I've only known you for two weeks, but I think you are a really amazing woman." I know they're just words, and manipulators can say similar things, but they sounded pretty heartfelt to me.

I actually see all your points. Cain's too. In fact, my non-LF friends are all split squarely down the middle about whether or not it's too soon to sleep with him. Some say yes, it is. And some say it's completely up to him and me.

[ecojeanne]

^^ well i'm sure you know how i would feel if someone had said the L word so soon, from my now experience i would dump him, it's fake and waaaayyyyy too soon