Paying for dates

[lesa]

Personally I don't have any hard and fast rules about whether or not the guy SHOULD pay. However, I feel like if you have that expectation (which is ok by the way), and he doesn't meet it, then it might just be a mismatch of values.

There are alot of guys out there who were raised to always pay for the woman as you were raised to expect it. Maybe they're a dying breed, but I had an ex who refused to let me pay for dinners. He said he just didn't feel right about it even know he knew that I was perfectly able and willing to pay. Of course, he was in his fifties and perhaps there was a generational component. Or maybe it's because the men here in NYC tend to be more cosmopolitan and just grab the check automatically.

I know you said you really like this guy, but perhaps you should rethink this disparity in values that the both of you have. It makes me wonder what other things you may not see eye to eye on.

It's not a mismatch in value for me. It's a little different but I am cool with it.

My ex who was in his twenties always paid for the dates. I mean dinner, movies, park, exhibits…whatever it was he paid. However, he was the one always asking me out. I don't recall ever asking him to go anywhere. (oops, except for tours...I love sightseeing)

My current guy pays every time he asks me out. He doesn’t accept my money and that’s how I know. Now I like to do the asking because I like to explore different things and I pay for those and he has no problem with that lol (I bet he wouldn’t ). Plus, I was a poor undergrad when I was with my ex. I have dinero now .

They are different. But it wasn't my personal values for a man to do those things. Those are HIS values. I only decide whether I like it or not.

And yes the ex was raised that way. I have no clue about the current guy.

[Only-virgins]

Nope, not in my twenties, OV, I'm 3 years away from being 40.

Go ahead and have a field day.

Field day with what? I don't care, that isn't old. Though I thought you were younger from the entire xbox pot head relationship thing...wasn't that you?

[starbuck]

Field day with what? I don't care, that isn't old. Though I thought you were younger from the entire xbox pot head relationship thing...wasn't that you?

Yes, that was me. Going to have a go about that again?

[Only-virgins]

Yes, that was me. Going to have a go about that again?

No thats ok.

[Lipp]

Are we talking about initial dates or dating during a blooming relationship?

Fair enough to pay for the first, but I'd be against it for the latter. Starts with paying dinners, and before you know it it's hotel rooms, drunken nights and further dependency, sharing rocks.

[ecojeanne]

I’m at two minds with this issue, the problem is I’ve never been out on a date as such so it’s my opinion: if for instance I got asked out for dinner and I accepted (even tho he asked) I would bring my money and want to pay half. In my mind I’m thinkin’ I’m not having this guy expect anything from me physically or emotionally. If he doesn’t let me pay then I automatically will panic and start thinking of ways (non physical obviously) to reciprocate immediately so I will get my power back, I don’t like to owe or be in a position where someone can say I was paid for and didn’t appreciate it. I know you're thinkin' sometimes a guy just wants to be nice: bullshit…there is always a reason. What if the guy is someone I decided I don’t like but he’s mad about me (really likes me), YES he will use the paying for me a leverage and guilt me into reciprocating or he will not go away coz he feels he’s owed something or worse talk badly about me coz he was rejected and somehow feels used.

just my thoughts on the subject

[Charlie Boy II]

Kristen was a shocker in this area. For the first couple of months she expected me to pay for everything. Not just dinners, but all her expenses on any kind of outing we happened to take. Even if we were hanging out at one of our houses and went to the shops to get some chocolate, she'd just hand it to me when we got to the register, like a f-cking girl out with her daddy.

The check would arrive for a $200 dinner and she'd just sit there looking at me. And then she'd say "thankyou," in this flippant way, like when someone holds a door open for you. I mean I was always going to pay but I like to get a bit of kudos for it.

I'm pretty generous by nature. I always insist on paying on dates, just because I enjoy buying a pretty girl dinner. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It is not because I think it entitles me to sleep with a woman, or makes her indebted to me. Indignant that is a complete load of garbage.

But man Kristin's attitude gave me the shits. It ground on me so badly I eventually told her I was going to break up with her if she didn't seriously shift her attitude.

So to the OP, from a guy who does always like to pay on dates, I still think your attitude stinks. If he asks you out to dinner that's fair enough. But if you're just hanging out, or if you ask him don't expect him to pay.

So it doesn't seem like he's the one with the problem. It's your attitude. You've misunderstood the convention.

[Lipp]

That's a bit of a problem though, money (and indirectly favours that are related to money) possibly being used as a leverage for further expectations hardly sounds as a basis for a healthy start to a relationship.
Whether he gives you a lift instead of having you pay for a taxi or offering you a drink it makes it difficult to tell whether it's a douchebag who's looking for something special or a nice guy who'd simply like to help out.

edit - And yeah, after reading Charlie's post, I'd hate a girl who'd be such a drag.

[Aeradalia]

I've dated both kinds of guys... those that are more traditional and those that are more progressive. Usually I've asked them long before going out to eat... however I have been caught off guard a few times.

During these times... I ALWAYS bring my wallet with the intention of paying for my meal - even the whole meal. This gives me a sense of confidence during the meal... leaves me with the feeling that I'm not taking advantage of the guy, and the food we are enjoying is within my price range. If the guy asked me out, then usually he pays for the meal - I don't argue if he offers to cover the meal. I thank him for he was an exceptionally generous man... Other times, when I ask them out... I pay for the meal (though I've had a couple of guys either offer to pay for the meal anyways... or try to split it). If I feel I am returning the favor for a previously shared meal, then I will politely refuse their intention to pay for the second meal (which I invited them to). During meals in which we both decided to go out to eat... the meal can be split or it's a matter of who's the sneakiest in rushing to pay for it (usually without the other being aware).

From my experience, it is usually best not to eat at places you feel you couldn't afford... and a good idea to bring along your own money - even if you do not pay for your meal - just to give you the added confidence. The guy will usually pick up on this... and I've noticed a sense of ease in them. So this all subtly adds to the pleasantness of the outing... and puts you in a positive light with the guy (i.e. he realizes you're not there for just a free meal).

[Serious]

In think it is 100% clear that the one who is paying is man. Of course there is some exceptions.

[Kromat]

The check would arrive for a $200 dinner and she'd just sit there looking at me. And then she'd say "thankyou," in this flippant way, like when someone holds a door open for you. I mean I was always going to pay but I like to get a bit of kudos for it.

$200 for dinner of two, that's being selfish of her to make you pay for all of that. Where did u eat?
Here in Canada, you can go to a Buffet with 5 people and get full paying only $170 with tip at a Mandarin.

P.S. Paying for a first date could be understandable, but it would be just a waste of money for someone that you really can't see your self with.

If women want to be independent with their finances, why rely on the guy to pay for everything?

Making her feel good, shouldn't be about how much he spends, as it just seems manipulative to get what she wants when a guy should be in control and it should be almost equal.

[Indignant]

Kristen was a shocker in this area. For the first couple of months she expected me to pay for everything. Not just dinners, but all her expenses on any kind of outing we happened to take. Even if we were hanging out at one of our houses and went to the shops to get some chocolate, she'd just hand it to me when we got to the register, like a f-cking girl out with her daddy.

The check would arrive for a $200 dinner and she'd just sit there looking at me. And then she'd say "thankyou," in this flippant way, like when someone holds a door open for you. I mean I was always going to pay but I like to get a bit of kudos for it.

I'm pretty generous by nature. I always insist on paying on dates, just because I enjoy buying a pretty girl dinner. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It is not because I think it entitles me to sleep with a woman, or makes her indebted to me. Indignant that is a complete load of garbage.

But man Kristin's attitude gave me the shits. It ground on me so badly I eventually told her I was going to break up with her if she didn't seriously shift her attitude.

So to the OP, from a guy who does always like to pay on dates, I still think your attitude stinks. If he asks you out to dinner that's fair enough. But if you're just hanging out, or if you ask him don't expect him to pay.

So it doesn't seem like he's the one with the problem. It's your attitude. You've misunderstood the convention.

this is exactly what I am talking about. there's nothing better then a guys experience with such females. however I never said that paying for food would mean entitling to bed anyone or indebting in some sort. All I said was that it is rude of females to expect men to pay for them. Especially since they want to have the same rights as men. Pay for your own freaking chocolate. If you want free chocolate then wait for Valentine's Day.

[Gigabitch]

Men aren't interested in professional women because men aren't looking for status. They look for youth and beauty. Professional women are a negative because they think their mate value is somehow increased by their profession. It's not from a male perspective.

I guarantee you, if you got an honest answer from men whether they would prefer to date a Medical Director or a Playboy Bunny, the Bunny would win every time.

It depends on what you mean by "date". If it's just the two of them, I might agree with you, but if it's the kind of dating where you're attending dinner parties and gallery openings, a bunny isn't going to cut it. This is where the "trophy women" come in. The more successful a man is, the better trophy woman he can land, and that involves education, breeding and intelligence. Above a certain socioeconomic level, a bunny would be simply embarrassing.

[Charlie Boy II]

All I said was that it is rude of females to expect men to pay for them.

This has already been raised, but didn't you say you don't even take you wallet out when you go out with male friends??

[IndiReloaded]

Good for you, CB, on setting Kristen straight with clear communication.

But LOL on "her mom" posting? That made me laugh. If its the OP, then what a lot of growing up this girl has to do. If it IS her mom, same, and I can see where the daughter gets it from.