Waiting for love? How long is too long?

[Pink68]

Hello all I am new to this forum and am anxious for a male perspective.
Brief background... Finishing up a divorce after 12 years of marriage. Had trouble for during most of it and was trying to get ex to counseling but he refused. Later discovered his girlfriend and that was it for me. I have absolutely no unresolved feelings for him at all. As I said it was never fantastic and have learned sooo much about relationships and what I truly want and deserve!!

So about two months after filling for divorce I met a guy..was not looking.. just happened... and wow was this awesome... really took off for both of us... I feared I was just rebounding so I told him we needed to slow down and really get to know eachother. We have been together for 10 months now. He was married once for about 18 months when he was younger, no kids. I have two ages 5 and 9. I have been real cautious about the whole thing but have no complaints with respect to how he treats me and how much of a great conection we share. I am very comfortable with him and can really be myself. He is very affectionate and caring and is always going out of his way for me. What I was wondering is why he hasn't told me how he really feels..you know..that he loves me??? Is he waiting for the divorce to be final? ( I am signing this week!!!) I just feel that he does through his actions and he has had several moments of awkward gawking at me followed by goofy grinning... I have told him that I really like him in several ways but really feel it is the mans position to lead in the relationship... I want it to be his idea and not forced in any way. Honest opinions here guys!!! Thanks so much!!

[Cbrider]

Hes been through a divorce and so have you. His appears to be a whirlwind of a divorce, I mean 18 months? What the hell happened.

You said you wanted to take it slow and hes going to understand it better than most guys because hes been there and probably been through a lot of pain because of it. You asking to take it slow coupled with his history in relationships......he probably puts a lot of value on the word and respects you.

Wait till your divorce is final, I wouldn't date someone who was still legally married under any circumstances. He will come around in time.

[damn2008]

Sounds like he's being respectful and taking it slow as you asked. I'm sure because he hasn't said it is why you're wondering so much...but this time is delicate for the both of you and regarding that you're not finalized yet could keep him holding back.

Us guys will always have a tendency to keep some of our cards close if we feel there can still be some issues waivering. He hasn't shown you a full deck yet I think because your divorce isn't finalized and because you asked him to take it slow.

Just be patient, I'm sure he is being as well. I hope it works out for the best!!!

[Lite]

Maybe he has unresolved trust issues based upon his first marriage...

[lesa]

He's taking it slowly as well. He is keeping his guard up.

[Mish]

Love means different things to different people. I've heard people say they love me in the past when they really didn't mean it. They said it because it was just "appropriate" to say. I'd rather wait for the real thing instead of a fake.

[ransom_nite]

You said he shows you through his actions right? Actions speak louder than words, so don't worry about it. Way to many people throw those 3 words around anyway, be patient.

[Pink68]

Thanks to all of you for your input!! I really think it is the issue with the pending divorce..it should have never taken this long but my ex was difficult to say the least... If all goes well I sign the final papers today.

In the beginning he said several times he was worried about me going back to my ex. After several weeks and really getting to know me better he knew that was never going to happen.

The other thing that makes me wonder about him holding back is he is self employed and lately not making near what he has in the past. He has always paid for everything and rarely lets me..and I do offer...
I think that not being as financially secure affects how he sees our future and the possibility of supporting a family...

I have told him that is not why I care for him and I am perfectly able to take care of myself..I have no agenda so to say... I think it is a man thing...

Soo should I continue to wait and let him tell me first? I don't want to put any pressure on him and am willing to continue to take time ( just hurry!!!) LOL

BTW this forum is great!!!
Thanks in advance for your input!

[michael4168]

I am currently in a similar situation, at the opposite end of the spectrum. The guy may be waiting for the divorce to be final before fully committing. He might think there is a chance you two will reconcile, even if it is unfathomable. My advice give him the benefit of the doubt till the divorce is final. If after a few weeks/months (whatever you decide) he still is not seeming to commit as much as you would like, call him on it. Remember to try your best to avoid negative tones.

[Pink68]

Thanks Michael4168.... I really hope that is the case..I signed the final papers today..yeah...felt so freeing!

I spent some time with him this afternoon and just really feel so close to him... I just want to give him the time he needs to wrap his mind around the idea of us on a more permanent basis.

What do you fellas think about being the one to say i love you first?

I think so many guys feel rushed by us girls into relationships and to define where things are going. I do not want to be that girl! I told my guy I don't do games,drama or b.s. and i want to be with someone because i want to not because I have to...

This experience with my divorce has taught me sooo much... I am trully a better person for it.

As always guys love to hear a mans point of view!! So keep it coming and I will keep you all posted!!!

[carl1222]

I think you are extremely well grounded and sensitive to what is going through his head. When he expresses his insecurity over not doing so well right now ... just tell him ...

OMG ... in this economy??? Get real. I am sooo proud of you for taking the risks of an entrepreneur ... it's the hard way, especially when the deck is stacked against you! Things will change for the better eventually and I have confidence that you will do very well because that's just the guy you are. Anyone can apply for a 9 to 5!

Carl.

[Pink68]

Thanks Carl!!
That is sort of what I tell him..that I admire him for who he is and not what he can give me. That he is so smart and resourcefull..he really is!!

I have read and learned so much about you "guys" and how your brains are wired I feel I should almost be allowed a temp. man card!! I takes a lot to stop my female overide!!

When we first met he had much saved up and he insists on paying for everything.. I did offer to split on our first date... and occationally he allows me to buy. It has since dwindled and he is struggling from job to job. When he does work the pay is outstanding! I do my best to help and support but am also carefull not to step over the line and hurt his sense of "man".. I really don't think most gals get how trully sensative you guys are..aww..

I honestly am not in a hurry..there is just something about hearing those verbal affirmations of love...
...darn I think my "girl" is showing!!

[IndiReloaded]

Has he met your kids yet? Are you living together? Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be worried so much about him as getting things sorted out re: my family. I'd suggest you relax and take things with him as they come, you have more important issues to consider.

[Lite]

Thanks Carl!!
That is sort of what I tell him..that I admire him for who he is and not what he can give me. That he is so smart and resourcefull..he really is!!

I have read and learned so much about you "guys" and how your brains are wired I feel I should almost be allowed a temp. man card!! I takes a lot to stop my female overide!!

When we first met he had much saved up and he insists on paying for everything.. I did offer to split on our first date... and occationally he allows me to buy. It has since dwindled and he is struggling from job to job. When he does work the pay is outstanding! I do my best to help and support but am also carefull not to step over the line and hurt his sense of "man".. I really don't think most gals get how trully sensative you guys are..aww..

I honestly am not in a hurry..there is just something about hearing those verbal affirmations of love...
...darn I think my "girl" is showing!!

Heh, we're a pretty insecure bunch to be quite honest. We're just not really allowed to show it. Just tell him you have faith in him and his endeavor, and that you sticking by his side is merely your investment in a future together. Even if you have to pay for dates he'll eventually make far more money and take you on better dates.

[Pink68]

Good point...and excellent advice!
I feel that I have all things in order with my children..
they met him gradually and in a casual setting and he comes over occationally but has not stayed the night when they are here. They really seem to like him and he them.
They have a better relationship with their father now than they ever did while we were still married..he ( their father) spends much more time with them now.
I have no desire to live with my BF or any man for that matter unless we are married... I just don't feel it is a good path for me and especially not my children. They have been through enough heartache and confusion this past year. Another reason I wanted to proceed slowly...its not just about me, my children come first.
Thanks again for the feedback..keep it coming!