Fear of commitment?

[Relinquished]

Hello all! Well, I'm not really sure where to post this... It's a bit of a peculiar situation, and I'd like some advice. Just an advance warning - wall of text ahead!

You see, there's this girl I like. Right now, we're acquaintances/friends. I like her enough to want to get to know her better, perhaps even in a romantic sense if she were up to it - though I wouldn't mind one bit if we were 'just' friends. I don't have a crush on her. The thing is, I'm getting some 'weird' vibes from her, and I don't really know how to handle them. We're both in our twenties, by the way.

When we just got to know each other, a couple of years ago, I casually asked her if she wanted to hang out. I explicitly avoided the word 'date' because I didn't want to lead her on expecting it was. I was just hungry, realised she must be too, and asked if she'd fancy grabbing a quick bite. Nothing big. However, she appeared to be visibly stunned, panicked and hesitated; not knowing what to say or do. She just stood there, as if I'd just proposed to her or something. I was a bit awkward at this myself, and only when I said she needn't worry about it, that I wasn't expecting anything from her (and I wasn't), that it was just dinner, did she ease up.

She offered to pay her way, but I insisted on paying for dinner (I always pay for the person I'm with when I was the one to ask them), held open doors for her etc. She told me what a gentlemen I was, I was a bit surprised by that and responded by saying that this is how everyone should treat a lady. We winded up having a great night, and she did her best to make something romantic out of it (candles and everything). I gave her a hug and wished her good night. We didn't kiss (We never did, and I'm just fine by that).

We bumped into each other a few times after that, and when we did she would usually stop me in my tracks and take me over to her apartment to talk. Once in a while she would come up to my room to talk to me, though that didn't occur often. It was just basic smalltalk, how was I doing, how she was doing, the usual. Since she's a busy girl and I only saw her once every month or so, I called her a couple of times to ask how she was doing.

During my latest call, after having not talked to her for a couple of months, I casually asked if she was doing something the next week and if we could hang out, to catch up, you know? She panicked again, telling me how busy she was and suddenly going on a bit of a tangent about her friends and relatives... Not sure how those got to be in the picture. It came across as if she was looking for excuses not to see me, so I was confused and didn't really pursue the matter.

Sent her a couple of text messages since then. Nothing out of the ordinary; just how she's doing, once in a while when I'm thinking about her. Sometimes I get messages back, sometimes I don't. When I do get them back, however, it's all about how sweet I am to think about her, the entire message basically being one huge flirty exclamation mark. I'm always the one to initiate the messaging, by the way.

Last thing I heard, she came to visit a girlfriend of hers who lives in the same building as me (this girlfriend is also a friend of mine, and told me, that's how I found out). She must've known I was in the same building at that time, yet didn't come to visit me as she had done several times in the past. I was a bit perplexed to find out, since while it had been mere days since I'd gotten a message back from her, we hadn't seen each other in months. I mean, it's not that I expected her to come over or anything, she's a grown lass and knows what she's doing; but a simple 'hello' sure would've been nice... The situation just struck me as odd.

I just don't get it. If she's not interested in being friends, then that's fine by me. I'll leave her alone then, though of course I'd prefer to keep her as a friend. Yet it seems I'm currently the one initiating all the contact, while she seems to be reluctant to reciprocate too much ('too much' being the keyword here).

It almost seems as if she's scared of getting to know me better, keeping me at arm's length - though I am very careful about making such assessments. I know for a fact she hasn't had a boyfriend or a serious relationship in years - in fact, for as long as I've known her she's been single without an obvious reason, which I find somewhat intruiging. Her friend, who is puzzled by this as well, told me she rarely goes out, and when she does it's very rarely with guys, only with her girlfriends. She is straight, by the way.
She's smart, attractive, succesfull, you name it. She appears social and outgoing and could most likely get anyone she wanted. And yet when it comes down to it, she seems reluctant, she freezes, almost as if she's scared to put herself out there in such a way. I mention this because the entire situation seems to be vaguely indicating that something has changed for her. We were just fine being friends before. That's why I've been wondering whether or not she's afraid of commitment, since that might explain why she's been acting a bit odd. I've never encountered anything like this before. It's intriguing me enough to register on here and post about it.

In the end, the most safe conclusion would be to think she's no longer interested in being friends, and is too afraid of telling me out of fear of hurting me. But, if she were indeed not interested - either as a friend, or more - then why go through all that trouble? I mean, she seems to be genuinly happy when I bump into her (happier then some of my so-called 'friends' who show up when they need something from me), even if those times are few and far in between...

I was thinking about stopping by on Valentine's with a couple of flowers - no roses!, telling her I appreciate her as a friend (and nothing more), ask her about her behaviour and tell her she really needn't be worrying so much.

Congratulations if you've gotten this far, and thank you for reading this

[Lite]

Sounds like she's just generally wary of a guy's behavior in general. Though you might be pushing some of her buttons that keep her freaking out. It might be better to avoid Valentine's day in general and give her a few weeks to relax.

[starbuck]

Relinquished. If you're interested in dating this girl, why be her friend? That seems like a quick way to get yourself in the dreaded "friend zone."

You're also guessing waaaay too much about her behavior. I think you should ask her out on a real date. Not to "hang out" or anything nebulous or inbetween. A DATE. Make sure she knows you want to date her. If she says, no...then there's your answer. No more guesswork.

[Relinquished]

Thanks for the input!

The thing is, Lite, that I don't really know what I would be doing that is freaking her out :/. I don't do anything out of the ordinary compared to my other female friends. Yet she's the only one who responds in this manner.

Starbuck, you're right. I realise I'm grasping at straws here, but that is exactly because I can't seem to get a decent hold of her... That leaves alot of room for confusion. I don't know what's wrong, and she seems disenclined to confront me directly about it. She already seems to freak out when merely I'm asking her to chat up with with me (during which I make explicitly clear that it's not a date to avoid any confusion on her part). What'd give if I were to ask her out for an actual date? :/ You have a point though, perhaps I should ask her for a date and see how she responds then.

I hadn't thought of her as anything other than a friend prior to this episode. This whole situation has made me think about how I feel about her, and I would like to get to know her better and take it from there should she feel that way. At this point, I wouldn't mind being in her 'friends zone', however. Yet I'm at a bit of a loss about how to deal with it without making her uncomfortable.