Long Distance Relationship Help

[Mike234]

There's this girl I really like and we've been "talking" for the last couple months and I'm really getting attached to her, the only problem is that we live 900 miles apart. She visited me once for about a week and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. We had our first kiss and had a ton of fun. Anyway, I get this feeling that I'm being too clingy. I think she's starting to lose interest but I just can't help the fact that I'm a "nice guy". Every time I get a text from her I text back immediately. I find myself trying to constantly talk to her. I didn't used to be like this but I lost my ex fiance to a long distance relationship and I guess I'm afraid I'm going to lose this girl too. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can mellow out and just be myself again?

[Lite]

Yeah, find someone not 900 miles away or find a way to visit her more often.

[ransom_nite]

I know how you feel mate, I've been in my LDR coming up 3 years, luckily my girl is moving back for good in a months time, but all I an say is try and find a way to work it out or like Lite said find a girl that is closer.

[Mike234]

It's not that it's hard to visit her. Plane tickets are pretty cheap to fly there and she's planning on moving up here to go to school in 6 months. I was talking to her friend last night and she gave me a couple hints that I was treating this girl too well. She said that she wants more challenge in a relationship and not just some guy that will kiss her feet and treat her like a princess. How can I create more challenge?

[Lite]

It's not that it's hard to visit her. Plane tickets are pretty cheap to fly there and she's planning on moving up here to go to school in 6 months. I was talking to her friend last night and she gave me a couple hints that I was treating this girl too well. She said that she wants more challenge in a relationship and not just some guy that will kiss her feet and treat her like a princess. How can I create more challenge?

Just be yourself instead of a douche rag?

Treat her like someone you respect and care about, not someone you want to dedicate your every waking moment to. She's your girlfriend, and you are not servant. Seriously, stand your ground on things rather than just let her do whatever.

[carl1222]

I used to buy into the theory that "lots of girls like a challenge, so be one." Girls like this aren't worth the effort, I don't care how cute their ass is!

As time went on, I realized that it's a bizarro world indeed where someone is who is attentive and open with their feelings (great qualities) has to play this silly game. You should be concentrating on what's attractive to you about her instead of what's attractive to her about you.

Be yourself. If she doesn't like that, find a better girl.

I'm not suggesting that you be a wimp ... no girl likes a wimp. If she asks you to rotate her tires outdoors in the dead of winter, don't say "yes" say "good bye."

You don't have to give up your assertiveness to be a nice guy. Give her what you hope to be given in return, and don't ask or settle for less.

Your goal is not to find a girlfriend, it's to find the right girlfriend for you.

Carl.

[Indignant]

I used to buy into the theory that "lots of girls like a challenge, so be one." Girls like this aren't worth the effort, I don't care how cute their ass is!

As time went on, I realized that it's a bizarro world indeed where someone is who is attentive and open with their feelings (great qualities) has to play this silly game. You should be concentrating on what's attractive to you about her instead of what's attractive to her about you.

Be yourself. If she doesn't like that, find a better girl.

any kind of relationship (friendships included) take a lot of compromising and changing and debating, discussions, stress, mutual respect. one can hardly ever be themselves without constant mutilation of oneself into a better person.

[IndiReloaded]

any kind of relationship (friendships included) take a lot of compromising and changing and debating, discussions, stress, mutual respect. one can hardly ever be themselves without constant mutilation of oneself into a better person.

Yes. This is the point. You are who you are and, hopefully, your partner cares about you enough to give feedback so you can be better. Good partners act as mirrors to show you who are and who you can become. Mature partners are able to accept that feedback gracefully and do better.

Mutual growth is the name of the game.

[Lite]

Yes. This is the point. You are who you are and, hopefully, your partner cares about you enough to give feedback so you can be better. Good partners act as mirrors to show you who are and who you can become. Mature partners are able to accept that feedback gracefully and do better.

Mutual growth is the name of the game.

You cannot compromise all of the time and have a truly happy relationship. At times there will need to be clear winners and clear losers. A lot of compromises end up with two losers that are unhappy with the out come.

[Lite]

I used to buy into the theory that "lots of girls like a challenge, so be one." Girls like this aren't worth the effort, I don't care how cute their ass is!

Carl.

The challenge doesn't necessarily need to be about her getting you, you can always challenge her to meet you on your level instead. The old, "Yeah, I know I'm worth this much effort, and you need to prove to me you're up to it." sort of challenge really never seems to fail when a woman already has a level of interest in you.

Though, there are some women who will see this game, realize it for what it is, and like you for who you are anyway so that you'll eventually just drop the game.

Some people like puzzles, other people like planning their trip down to the last minute without deviation. It takes all kinds.

[lesa]

Mike when someone tells you things like that, it means that they are losing attraction for you. Carl is correct. You are giving her something she feels she can't return. That's why she says those things. Unless you are a wimp, "nice guy" is a compliment. Maybe she doesn't see you in a long term relationship.

May I ask why is she doing all the visiting and why have you guys only met once?

Also, is she really a girl that you want for long term or just someone for now until the right one comes along?

[IndiReloaded]

A lot of compromises end up with two losers that are unhappy with the out come.

I agree with you Lite. No problem with this concept. But the trick becomes ensuring that a *true* agreement is met. And that, sometimes, the 'loser' gets to be the 'winner'. Noone wants to lose all the time. No fun.

In my observations of couples I see the 'loser' isn't being honest about their satisfaction with the outcome of a disagreement. They cave, instead of negotiating. Thus you arrive at these bitter relationships where one partner feels they have made all these 'sacrifices', but not accepting that those were their own choices they made with eyes wide open. I've seen quite a bit of this with stay at home moms and such.

Anyway, a good partner will help them to recognize this when it is happening, was my point.

[Mike234]

Mike when someone tells you things like that, it means that they are losing attraction for you. Carl is correct. You are giving her something she feels she can't return. That's why she says those things. Unless you are a wimp, "nice guy" is a compliment. Maybe she doesn't see you in a long term relationship.

May I ask why is she doing all the visiting and why have you guys only met once?

Also, is she really a girl that you want for long term or just someone for now until the right one comes along?

The last visit was mostly to visit family. She just hung out with me in her spare time. I'm actually flying out there this weekend and then she's coming back to visit me next month before she gets too busy in school. Her friend says she thinks I'm a nice guy but maybe too nice of a guy. It's not like I let her walk all over me or change her tires in the middle of a snow storm, though. I'd open doors for her and she was short a couple bucks to buy a shirt so I just gave her a couple bucks to get it, but other than that I don't think I was over bearingly nice. It was the first actual face to face visit so I was just being polite. I could see myself in a long distance relationship with her because she does have a really cute, outgoing personality. I just think she's jumping the gun a little on deciding what my personality is after spending a couple days with me.

[richeanne]

Get busy. Have a life away from your freakn cellphone. That way she wont think your that lame guy she will gladly trade for the milkman;waiter;boss;old bushy biker or whatever.

[Nikki-Anne]

Sounds like you need to be upfront with her about how serious your feeling for her have become. But you need to do this in person. Schedule another trip to see her or vice versa. You can never read the other person better than when they are right in front of you. The phone, e-mail and text are sure fire ways to get mixed signals and the last thing you need is to be jumping to conclusions.