Control and trust issues

[Aeradalia]

Coming from a lifetime of being abused... mentally manipulated... and made to feel lower then dirt there is one phrase that has always stuck with me:

There are no victims, only volunteers.

In this relationship you maybe be considered the victim to his abusive ways, but in reality you were a participant... accepting the abuse because of fear and self-doubt. So in essence, you volunteered yourself for the role of 'victim.' Not once did you realize that you had control the whole time!

Also remember... nobody can have control over you UNLESS you GIVE them the control. Take some time to evaluate the reasons you might've relinquished control to him. If it is self-doubt, then why do you feel this? Is it lack of self-worth? Whatever it is... learn the origins of these, how they negatively effect your life, and what steps you can take to reduce or remove them.

I have overcome Social Anxiety Disorder in just a few short years... I can now walk around in crowds, go from one conversation to the next, and basically do whatever I want because I know that their opinions of me don't matter... not one damn bit. I'm a decent person, I do what I feel is right, and I will help another if they are need --- for me, that's good enough.

One more thing... congratulations on standing up for yourself and finally doing what the more logical side of your mind has been screaming -- the self-preservation side of your mind.

I had been in a relationship with a guy like that... and to progress your story of 'what could have been'... for me, I eventually was married to an abusive guy like that. And no, he didn't start out that way (they never do... obviously). Over the five years I was beaten down, made to feel guilty, and excluded from friends and family. He would get angrier and for longer periods of time. Until finally, one night while he was stone-cold sober... he had enough and tried to choke me. He would've succeeded if he hadn't snapped to his senses. If I had stayed after that... I doubt I could've relied on his 'self-control' for long.

These relationships are toxic... remember that the one who loves you is suppose to build you up --- NOT tear you down. If you feel less valued with someone, then it's a sign that the relationship is not based on love, and certainly not beneficial.

Just because you FEEL for someone does not mean you have to stop THINKING. It is when your emotional and logical sides are in agreement that you have the greatest chance of success in a relationship.

[amazonian]

Hi Beramot,
Just a word of advice from an abusive relationship survivor. STOP EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO THIS MAN. STOP ALL COMMUNICATION. DELETE EMAILS AND TEXTS AND PHONE MESSAGES BEFORE EVEN READING THEM OR LISTENING TO THEM. He is on the way to reducing you to a piece of shit hanging on a little tiny thread that he can dangle around and manipulate. If you think your SA is bad now, just keep on communicating with him and see how low you can go.
IT WILL NEVER IMPROVE NO MATTER HOW YOU PRESENT IT TO HIM. NEVER. IT WILL GET WORSE. I escaped and survived and recovered (took LOTS of work - the longer you are with him, the more work you will need to do to recover). I still get nightmares and we are talking a long long time ago. A (former) girlfriend of mine stayed with her partner until he finally left her for another girl, 3 children and 10 nightmare years for her, and he is still coming back to her house and playing mental games and physically abusing her (after he has left her!!!!), she just wouldn't leave him because he told her no-one else would want her (B.S.), and it always escalates into physical abuse - it's not something that happens straight away, but it WILL happen. Best of Luck being strong - I am going through heartbreak at the moment myself (and it was a great relationship), but I would still choose my heartbreak right now over being in an abusive relationship ever again. RUN.

[Gigabitch]

Coming from a lifetime of being abused... mentally manipulated... and made to feel lower then dirt there is one phrase that has always stuck with me:

There are no victims, only volunteers.

Please, Areadalia, please tell me that you understand this applies to adults only. Children in abusive situations are victims. Absolutely.

[Aeradalia]

Please, Areadalia, please tell me that you understand this applies to adults only. Children in abusive situations are victims. Absolutely.

Of course Giga... but the poster is clearly an adult... didn't think to include that as the advice was tailored specifically for this person.

But yes, you're absolutely right... children cannot rely on themselves - they are not self-sufficient and are dependent on others for support.

[vashti]

Coming from a lifetime of being abused... mentally manipulated... and made to feel lower then dirt there is one phrase that has always stuck with me:

There are no victims, only volunteers.
.

The one that rang true for me was "first time: shame on him; second time: shame on you".

I don't know why, but it seems like it has to be the EXACT right words to get it to sink in.

Anyway, I agree with you.

[IndiReloaded]

You're too nice to him, Berg. Tell him to **** off and die if he contacts you again. Mean it, you don't owe this idiot anything. That will make you feel a LOT better.

[Bergamot]

Thanks for all your support. Not completely sure why I stayed it out so long, lots of reasons. He's still been trying to get me back last few days but I think he's finally got the message now. I do feel its a shame he had this nasty streak because in many other ways he did make great efforts to be good to me, pity his temper and possessiveness messed it all up.

I guess I need to do some work now to make sure I don't get into any more of these situations.

[fi123]

I am so glad u left this guy..i have been following your posts and u've definitely done the right thing. Concentrate and work on yourself now..u deserve some pampering and remember how you leaving this guy proves how strong you are x

[Bergamot]

I am so glad u left this guy..i have been following your posts and u've definitely done the right thing. Concentrate and work on yourself now..u deserve some pampering and remember how you leaving this guy proves how strong you are x

Thanks. Its hard today with it being Valentine's day and he's emailed me saying with whole guilt trip how I've ruined both our lives and he had all kinds planned as he thought we would get back together and he's wasted loads of money on hotel n stuff, but I think its probably be b.s. Must stay strong!

[misombra]

block his email address.

[Aeradalia]

Thanks. Its hard today with it being Valentine's day and he's emailed me saying with whole guilt trip how I've ruined both our lives and he had all kinds planned as he thought we would get back together and he's wasted loads of money on hotel n stuff, but I think its probably be b.s. Must stay strong!

Most guys that truly want a woman back in their lives will try to remind the woman of how good times were... try their best to paint a picture of happiness in the woman's mind.

This guy clearly isn't doing that... all he's doing is painting pictures of negativity and self-centeredness....

This is who he truly is... take a good look.

[Bergamot]

Good point. That's another reason I didn't want to get back with him in the end as he said he was trying to get back with me but his techniques for getting me back were all about trying to make me feel bad about facing life alone or guilty for what I'd done in his eyes.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, block his address. Tho, when I cut off a guy who was sending me unwanted msgs, I took a perverse pleasure in seeing them accumulate in my Trash folder (I set a filter to put them there). I would then delete them, unread, at my leisure. A kind of passive-aggressive "**** you".

The trouble with blocks is that he will get a message saying the msg bounced back, which could lead this guy to escalate his behaviour in order to contact you. Stalker alert, is all I am saying.

Try the "trash & delete" option if you think this might be a concern.

[Bergamot]

I think I'd be too curious for the trash and delete option. He started asking for stupid laptop back by text again yesterday then today saying keep it again so I packed the damn thing in the car and insisted he take it back tonight. So now 'operation return laptop' is out of the way I just have to complete 'operation ignore all contact' and hopefully he'll stop bothering me in a few days.

[IndiReloaded]

I think most email clients will let the message be delivered but then immediately deleted, so no tempatation. Mac Mail does this for sure.

Anyway, good about the rest. Hang in there.