perception of the girl

[Gigabitch]

Well, my father was a ****ing nightmare. I would have happily grown up without him.

[Lite]

i always wanted to have a father. i could care less if he lied to us. a father figure is so important in a kids life. he wouldn't be lying to me, his one night stand with another woman wouldn't have changes how he felt about me either.

How do you know that it wouldn't? Plenty of men divorce after the kids leave the house, then go start a whole new family abandoning their old. Kids and all. Typically this is related to the mother using the kids as a source of contention and argument.

Sounds more like you would have rather have had a strong male role-model in your life to bond to, and it's unfortunate that you didn't have that. Kids tend to cross-associate. Boys bonding with mother figures, and women bonding with father figures. It actually kind of explains some of your views in life though, as unfortunate as that is. It is actually something I'm quite familiar with, not as a reflection of my own upbringing...Just a lot of women I've dated.

[vashti]

I'm sorry but staying for 'stability' sake in regards to children even though the relationship with the other partner will be fake, the love will be fake, and the happy 'stable' home will all be built on a foundation of lies is just morally wrong. It messes with the minds of the children that grow up in that environment... leads to the development of adults that have stable lives but no concept of love, how to maintain a truly healthy relationship, or even how to either care for another or care for themselves emotionally.

Albeit, it probably cancels itself out... the children raised in stable homes in which both parents deceived them will grow to be adults who become stable enough financially to afford the therapy sessions required to untangle the emotional mess they become.

It's just easier to stay in a loveless relationship when children are involved, than it is to go out and find another stable relationship that truly has love in which the children can learn from.

This is no different than it being easier for a wife to stay with an abusive husband than it is for her to leave him. She has financial security, a life that is fairly 'stable,' and all she has to do is take a few licks every now and then. However, in this scenario... she is not praised for 'sticking it out' with the abusive husband... she is criticized... and praised for taking a gamble in trying to leave him. And when children are involved... she leaves to 'save the children' from 'emotional and physical abuse.'

What of the emotional confusion a child will endure knowing that mom and dad lied to them for years? Who cares if it's for the 'best of intentions'... they lied... that's a hard pill to swallow.

To risk emotional destruction on a child for the sake of 'stability' is no different than risking physical abuse (which has emotional consequences too) on a child for the sake of 'stability.' Just because one is less obvious to the laymen than the other... doesn't make it any less wrong.

Wow, you have a very unusual way of looking at things. I can't imagine elevating feelings of love (a transitory emotion) above actions when there are children involved. To me, it seems incredibly selfish to say that MY feelings and desire for romantic love are more important than my children's.

All I can say is you again make the mistake of believing that just because a person isn't in a stage of romantic love anymore, they must behave badly. They don't. Of course, not everyone is capable of separating emotions from actions, and in that case you are right: they should divorce. People should be congruent in their words and actions. I am advocating acceptance of a person who turned out to be something other than what you fantasized about, and treating them with respect and caring, if not romantic love. And obviously, my position assumes that both parents are basically decent, normal people. Outliers would be exempt.