Fighting the Compulsion to 'Serve'

[Aeradalia]

Given the effect of abuse in early childhood and throughout most of the rest of my childhood... and then my parents and others carrying on similar lessons... I have a very strongly ingrained sense of putting myself second and others first. When someone asks for something I feel compelled to do it... and have to remember I have a choice to disregard - to say 'no.'

I do not want this to restrict me at work... relationships.. and other aspects of life.

So far, with work... I do stop and think, weigh out the consequences of my actions... particularly how my compulsion to please would work for or against me and make a decision accordingly. I have made considerable progress with putting my interests first with work (though I'm still a considerate person).

However, with relationships it becomes much more difficult. There are the fears they may leave or think poorly of me... etc. Also, I really do not know of others ways to show appreciation than to 'do things'... particularly going forth and doing things I know they like or trying to find items I know they would want. I have made an effort to once more to stop and consider if these things I do are what I really want to do.. or if I am once more feeling compelled. However, in matters of sex... it's far to easy for me to fall into 'servant mode' and becoming extremely submissive. I wouldn't have too much problem with this... but it's not really in my nature to be this submissive - causes unrest in me. Far too easily fall into old routines of feeling like I have 'no other choice'... when I know better.

This inclination throws my boyfriend in a poor light... and is unfair, because he is never forceful, always queries, leaves open the option to refuse without protest, and is very patient and understanding.

Other than try to recognize the signs of falling into old habits, stopping to consider whether these are things I really want to do or not, and putting forth considerable effort to 'stick with saying no' (rather than relent to the pressures).... what else is there I can do? Over time, I have made lots of progress... it is just most difficult when sex is involved.

[Gigabitch]

Ack! This all sounds so familiar!

Look, I know you're kind of broke right now, but I strongly suggest getting into some intensive therapy while your bf is gone for the next 5 months. This is a great opportunity to deal with some of this stuff up-close without throwing him into the midst of it, which we both know would freak him out.

There is nothing at all wrong with taking some time to straighten some stuff out with yourself. I've done this, and it's helped immensely. Think I'm neurotic now? Ha! You should have seen me five years ago! It was like I was a puppet with both of my parents' hands up my ass, fighting over who got to control what I did and said. Yipe!

There's help. There really is. Go get it. That little voice in your head that tells you to get to the back of the line isn't even your voice, and a good therapist will help you to understand that.

[Junket]

Yeah, you need to get your balls back.

I have no problem saying "no".

"Do you want to go to the party with me?"

-No-

"Do you want to watch this movie?"

-No-

"Do you want hang out with me at the bar?"

-Maybe-

"Along with my work buddies?"

-Hell no-

[Lite]

A lot of people are generally either dominant or submissive in bed. Many times it's basically the complete opposite of how one runs their normal life. IE: If you're always in control, you seek a place where you can let go.

There isn't anything wrong with being submissive in the bedroom as long as it is what you want and you are comfortable being so. Much of the kink world in general surrounds whether you're a dominant or a submissive. The funny thing is, it's the submissive with the power. They grant the dominant the ability to lord over them or to revoke that power.

[Gigabitch]

It doesn't sound to me like she's happy about this.

[Aeradalia]

A lot of people are generally either dominant or submissive in bed. Many times it's basically the complete opposite of how one runs their normal life. IE: If you're always in control, you seek a place where you can let go.

There isn't anything wrong with being submissive in the bedroom as long as it is what you want and you are comfortable being so. Much of the kink world in general surrounds whether you're a dominant or a submissive. The funny thing is, it's the submissive with the power. They grant the dominant the ability to lord over them or to revoke that power.

Yeah... it makes sense... however, I have a tendency to 'force' myself.. even if I'm not really in the 'mood.' This usually works... but sometimes my drive will die out completely if I keep forcing myself.

The only way to become interested again (physically) involves something as silly as being comforted, cuddled, and generally reassured. I tend to enjoy this immensely, but it's always at the back of my mind that I'm being selfish when I need him to do this for me. However, he never complains and seems more than happy to comfort me... but I always feel like I'm wrong somehow.

It's like my body finally says 'no' for me... and then I need some form of reassurance to let me know it's ok to not relent. As messed up as that sounds... that's the way it seems.

[Mish]

However, with relationships it becomes much more difficult. There are the fears they may leave or think poorly of me... etc. Also, I really do not know of others ways to show appreciation than to 'do things'... particularly going forth and doing things I know they like or trying to find items I know they would want. I have made an effort to once more to stop and consider if these things I do are what I really want to do.. or if I am once more feeling compelled. However, in matters of sex... it's far to easy for me to fall into 'servant mode' and becoming extremely submissive. I wouldn't have too much problem with this... but it's not really in my nature to be this submissive - causes unrest in me. Far too easily fall into old routines of feeling like I have 'no other choice'... when I know better.

Wow. Those are some deep words Aeradalia. It's very brave of you to reveal so much of depth. Many people don't reveal this much, or even recognize that there are problems within themselves. So I salute you for having the introspective skills to recognize this is an issue and for having the guts to post it.

I highlighted the part which I think is the problem. The answer to what is making you be like this, it's fear. You are acting out of fear and the fear is driving you. Now it's easy to say this, and just point a finger into some emotion and say "case closed". But most likely it's a lot more complicated than that. I don't think it would be as easy as to say, okay if it's fear then the answer is not to be scared. The answer will lie in the reasons why that fear is there. And why that fear is there could have many reasons. I could speculate and say that it's coming from a place where you feel vulnerable. A place where you feel broken or from not having enough confidence in your own value. For some reason not worthy and to amend this is to serve. The servitude in itself becomes an amending process, to amend the lack of perceived worth. I could be wrong. Though if this is how it is, then the answer would be not "to not be scared", but to find a way to rebuild your value, make yourself feel valuable to you, genuinely believe deep down inside that you are a good person worthy of all the good things in this world and someone who deserves to be treated fairly. You won't feel the need to "make up" or "make amends" in order to compensate a lack of self value when you are in that state. Different people find different ways to get to that destination. For me personally, doing good things for people is where I find that positive self worth.

[Arrow]

Given the effect of abuse in early childhood and throughout most of the rest of my childhood... and then my parents and others carrying on similar lessons... I have a very strongly ingrained sense of putting myself second and others first. When someone asks for something I feel compelled to do it... and have to remember I have a choice to disregard - to say 'no.'

I do not want this to restrict me at work... relationships.. and other aspects of life.

So far, with work... I do stop and think, weigh out the consequences of my actions... particularly how my compulsion to please would work for or against me and make a decision accordingly. I have made considerable progress with putting my interests first with work (though I'm still a considerate person).

However, with relationships it becomes much more difficult. There are the fears they may leave or think poorly of me... etc. Also, I really do not know of others ways to show appreciation than to 'do things'... particularly going forth and doing things I know they like or trying to find items I know they would want. I have made an effort to once more to stop and consider if these things I do are what I really want to do.. or if I am once more feeling compelled. However, in matters of sex... it's far to easy for me to fall into 'servant mode' and becoming extremely submissive. I wouldn't have too much problem with this... but it's not really in my nature to be this submissive - causes unrest in me. Far too easily fall into old routines of feeling like I have 'no other choice'... when I know better.

This inclination throws my boyfriend in a poor light... and is unfair, because he is never forceful, always queries, leaves open the option to refuse without protest, and is very patient and understanding.

Other than try to recognize the signs of falling into old habits, stopping to consider whether these are things I really want to do or not, and putting forth considerable effort to 'stick with saying no' (rather than relent to the pressures).... what else is there I can do? Over time, I have made lots of progress... it is just most difficult when sex is involved.

I have a similar problem, I tend to think I must do whatever people want to gain their appreciation, and this has recently put me in rather unpleasant situations... There's also an underlying need to avoid conflict. I always overemphasise my guilt when in fact the other person is the one who could be totally wrong. I'm not a self-sacrificing person myself but my background has created some "locks" and it's being somewhat difficult for me to get rid of them.

Regarding sex, you should keep in mind that - and unfortunately for us men - the woman should always dictate whether there's going to be intercourse or not. This has been ever since humans started to be conscious that sex wasn't just a way to reproduction but also to pleasure. Some men are cunning and have the seduction skills - innate or not - to convince women to do what they want, but the if woman doesn't want to anyway, I guess things reach a full-stop. I personally would feel bothered if my GF/wife/**** buddy/whatever had sex with me just to please me, because I would know that everything would be a lie and the girl would end up hating me later for that.

[Aeradalia]

The answer to what is making you be like this, it's fear.

You are acting out of fear and the fear is driving you.

I don't think it would be as easy as to say, okay if it's fear then the answer is not to be scared. The answer will lie in the reasons why that fear is there.

And why that fear is there could have many reasons. I could speculate and say that it's coming from a place where you feel vulnerable. A place where you feel broken or from not having enough confidence in your own value.

For some reason not worthy and to amend this is to serve.

The servitude in itself becomes an amending process, to amend the lack of perceived worth.

Though if this is how it is, then the answer would be not "to not be scared", but to find a way to rebuild your value, make yourself feel valuable to you, genuinely believe deep down inside that you are a good person worthy of all the good things in this world and someone who deserves to be treated fairly. You won't feel the need to "make up" or "make amends" in order to compensate a lack of self value when you are in that state. Different people find different ways to get to that destination.

I spent quite a bit of time thinking about the steps within this cycle... I feel insecure or rather not worthy... so in order to prove my worth I have to show it... demonstrate... so I go forth and do something seemingly worthy in hopes of earning recognition of my worth.

Hence:

Unworthy > Demonstration > Gain Worth


But this cycle can loop over, especially if my actions did not seem to benefit me or only partially achieved what I had hoped.

Hence:

Unworthy > Demonstration > Not worthy enough > Demonstration >Still Not Worthy Enough ... Etc..

This cycle is highly dependent on validation from others, and this validation can vary greatly from one person to the next.


So the way in which to 'break the cycle' more or less is to realize though validation is required for self-worth to be defined... it cannot be defined outside of ones self. Rather this worth can only be defined by yourself... and only use the opinions of others as a guide if you so choose - but their views are not required.

So the process needs to go more like this:

Unworthy > Demonstration to Oneself > Accepted As Being Worthy Based On Your Own Set of Values

Now this cycle may repeat but only when definitions of self-worth are to be updated... such as when the opinions of others seem to hold merit... you feel they have valid points and would like to adopt this within your own definitions. In essence, a person's definition of self-worth should only be changed as newer - better - definitions are found... so that the process can become progressive.

I have failed to realize validation of self-worth is defined by myself... and that once my self-worth is defined, it should only be updated in favor of better definitions of which I truly agree with.

[Gonz]

Aeradalia, I like a lot the actual self-talk you do on your messages. That's a great way to find youserlf. There is no better way to find an answer that going within. Then, from my point of view, you should work on your self-worth a lot. Since it looks like from what you say, that your willingless to serve comes from the feeling of unworthiness. This will bring more of that to your life. IF it were that you actually like to serve and feel good about it, then its a different story. Have you heard about the law of attraction? well it states that you attract to your life what you think and feel. So, if you feel unworthy, then what you are going to get is the same thing, because everything is about energy, and a feeling is energy that you project to the universe and people unconciously perceive that. Think about it. You may change your life with this. Check the work that Arash Vossoughi does, he is my mentor on life and has helped me a lot.

The best.

[Aeradalia]

Gonz... the most inspirational book I've ever read was As A Man Thinketh... and I do see much validity in his words. You do receive whatever you put out...

I have struggled for years to untangle one mess after another... and I like to think I've made much progress. Being able to function in normal society is one of my proudest accomplishments, considering my past. Actually finding love is another.

On closer inspection, I have plenty of reasons to feel worthy... all that's left to do is 'reprogram' the conditioned responses I had learned from childhood. They are no longer beneficial to me... yet these things take time.

[Mish]

Unworthy > Demonstration to Oneself > Accepted As Being Worthy Based On Your Own Set of Values

Now this cycle may repeat but only when definitions of self-worth are to be updated... such as when the opinions of others seem to hold merit... you feel they have valid points and would like to adopt this within your own definitions. In essence, a person's definition of self-worth should only be changed as newer - better - definitions are found... so that the process can become progressive.

I have failed to realize validation of self-worth is defined by myself... and that once my self-worth is defined, it should only be updated in favor of better definitions of which I truly agree with.

I agree with the above. I think there is still interaction with others required, but you can validate your value by doing things that you definitely know are valuable (Like helping out a friend in need, giving money to someone who needs it). This way you can make positive difference without validation from others.

Though, we are social creatures. I get surprised everyday by the degree actions and opinions of others influence our own actions and thinking.

[Gonz]

I agree with you Aeradalia. BY the way, a have heard a lot about that book too, but I havent read it yet.
And I can tell that I feel very identified with you, since I have gone through a lot of recondition and change of believes that were taught on childhood, and bad experiences that I had along my childhood. I know exactly what you mean.
I want to share a tip that may help you get results faster. when I decided to start changing all these believes, I started to look for ways to change them. A person appeared in my life. He is a personal coach. By talking about life and stuff he offered me his help. You may know what this people do. They help you cope with your prob that you may have or things you want to change. They have the tools, experience, and ways to guide, support and help you. Since then, I have made quantum leaps in my results and success. This was one of the best decisions I have ever taken. I know is difficult to trust others on our issues, but trust me, you would be happy about it. I do coaching with Arash Vossoughi. He is great and you can find it online too. He also has great books.
I hope it helps you like It did with me. I just wanted to share and give others the chance I had to have a great life.

The Best Aeradalia.