Help! I need some advice!

[Jesskun]

Hey folks,

I'm in a lot of pain right now, and I'm looking for advice and/or answers.

My ex and I had been together for 2 years, but a few weeks ago we broke up because she doesn't trust me anymore. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year, when I finally packed up and moved down to be with her. (900 miles) I didn't have a lot of money or possessions, but I felt that nothing could stop me from being with my love. And for several months things were fantastic. I'd pick her up every other weekend or so and bring her back to my apartment for the weekend to spend time together.

However, I have a habit of lying when it comes to my financial status. She would ask how much money I had and what I was doing with it, and I would like about how much I had or what I did with it and come clean hours or even days later out of guilt. I don't have much money at all, and I'm very ashamed of that fact. After doing that 2 or 3 times, she said she couldn't trust me anymore, and that she couldn't be with me if she couldn't trust me. When I ask her how she actually feels about me, she says she doesn't know, just that it's "not the same anymore." If I try pressuring her to be more specific, she gets extremely angry. She goes on and on about needing time... but I'm still miserable. Time is passing very slowly, and I've just started a new job that I don't want to lose because of my emotionality. We even still call each other cutesy names when we talk. I'm so confused....

We still talk about having kids and a big house someday together. She even says that she still sees us being together in the distant future. That seems like a long and painful wait to me... and it hurts more every day. When I see her online it cheers me up a lot, but I still feel empty. Does anyone have advice on what I should do?

Thanks!
-Jess

[sfalexi]

Explain to her that you felt embarressed when you didn't have money. Point out that you now have a job and hopefully will be able to keep with it. Also, that will help becasue you won't be tempted to lie about not having money (becuase now you WILL have it). Sounds like she still likes you and if she still talks about these things and still calls you those cutesy names.

Anyways, I say just keep doing what you're doing and get together and have a true heart to heart. Let us know what happens (and wait around and see what other people suggest . . .)

Alexi

[Anthony]

If I arrived at a point at which I was unable to trust the person I was with, I would also break off a relationship.

Although it's regrettable, I don't see how you couldn't have realized what effect your actions would have on the relationship. Explaining the situation and being honest with her would likely be beneficial, however guilt and shame are not excuses for deliberate deception. In a long-term relationship, both people need to be able to accept each other as-is; if being honest with her ends the relationship because she cannot accept you for who you are, consider it a learning experience and move on.

[MrX]

Well bro.. i can understand how you feel, when you say you felt ashamed... but the thing is how do you think she feels when someone she loves... gives her the perception that he thinks she is shallow by not comming clean on some financial issues.. which she would prolly have helped you out with.. but the fact that she prolly feels hurt because you would think that she would be ashamed of you or look down on you.. the only thing you can do is try to earn her trust back.. and at least be friends or if it hurts to much just move on.. trust is a sacred thing and is hard to get back once lost.

[PandaCivic]

she's losing interest in you because you are lying about how much money you have? or just the fact that you lied to her about it? this is either going to be tough or very simple. she could either: know already that she doesn't like you and is finding a way to make it your fault she's not happy by mentioning that you lie about your money, or she could be seeing this all as you lying to her about little things that add up to bigger things. if she's just wondering why you don't have any money, why would it matter? is she materialistic or high maintenance? is she worrying that you won't buy her shit or something? cut your losses now or find out what's bugging her. if she isn't telling you, then you already know that she isn't worth it. good luck.

[Jesskun]

Thanks for all the advice, folks!

Well, last week was incredibly hellish. My ex's anger really got to me. On Friday night, I made a choice to leave Irvine and move on with my life. From past experience, the farther I am away from someone, the easier it is for me to cope.

Saturday morning, she asks me why I am packing. I tell her it's time for me to move on, and staying here is making it worse on both of us. She then starts getting concerned about me leaving my jobs here, leaving my apartment behind. She starts calling me stupid just for moving away because of her, even when the only reason I moved down here in the first place is because of her. We go on like this for about a half an hour, until I can't take it anymore and I go to finish packing.

Later on that night, my ex pops online while I'm telling my friends that I'll be MIA for a while. I'm always glad to see her, so I message her asking if she's all right. She says no. I then get emotional and tell her that it's not her fault that I'm leaving, that I need to move on because it's too painful to stay here, and that my heart isn't willing to wait years for her to make up her mind. I tell her I need to disappear for a while...

Her: I still love you... but I will respect your decision to disappear...
Me: Hold up... you still love me? You told me last week you didn't have any feelings for me anymore.
Her: I was still angry and stressed out because of finals. The whole issue came at a very bad time.

We finally got to have a heart-to-heart talk.. the one I've been wanting for weeks... I'm a softy, and I still love her more than anything. I think things are on the up, so to speak. I'm not sure if we're technically back together, but I'm not going to push it. I'm happy that she still loves me.

Again, thanks for all the advice. This has been a learning experience for both me and my ex.