I’m not sure what to think of her anymore

[a123]

I met this girl the beginning of last semester at a university club. We hit it off right away and started hanging out. I started introducing her to a lot of my friends and pretty much gave her an invitation to join my social circle. The first time I hung out with her alone was in my dorm, at this point we’ve known each other for a month or so, so I decided to take things to the next level and go in for a kiss. I came over to where she was sitting and sat really close to her, she immediately jumped up and while still laughing yield out why I was sitting so close to her. That really threw me off because at this point I knew that she was interested in me in more than a friend kind of way. I shrugged it off and didn’t let bother me.

Then after we hung out a few more times, once again I would try to get closer to her and she would always either look at me funny, nudge me off or start laughing. I started questioning my whole relationship with her yet I still knew that she was interested in me in a more than a friend kind of way. One incident I decided to play against her friend in a drinking game and she told us that she didn’t know who to cheer for, so I felt pretty honored that she didn’t know whether to choose between her best friend who she know for years or me who she meet a few months ago. Since then we’ve hung out a number of times, but nothing has ever escalated into anything physical except occasional hugs. When we went back home for winter break I went to the movies with her and decided once again to escalate things, she kept leaning closer and closer while we were watching the movie so at one point I decided to move the armrest up that was in between us, she immediately moved it back down. Later on winter break I invited her over to a friend get together, when she first saw me she ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and told me that she was happy to see me.

When we got back to school I invited her over again to hang out. We had a pretty good time just talking, she told me how happy she was that we knew each other and how glad she was that we we’re friends. At this point I stated building up resentment towards her, her rejections towards my advances were starting to get to me. One of the weekends I invited to a small party I was having, at first she never replied to my invited then I sent her another text thought later on in the evening. She told me that she was at another party and that she was way too drunk to relocate so we sent a few texts back and forth.

After that night for some reason I started getting really mad at her. It was now starting to seem to me like she was doing me a favor that she was giving me her free time by hang out with me, the whole notion of her rejecting all my advance also started bother me as well. I just got really pissed off at her because it seemed like she was playing me this whole time or maybe she was just not interested in me all along. So I decided to stop talking to her, I stopped texting and calling. A few days later we ran into each other, she asked me if I was mad at her for not going to this particular event I invited her to, I told her that I wasn’t then she asked me why I was giving her the silent treatment I just told her that I was really busy. As I was leaving I told her to call me if she needed I ride to this particular event that both of us we’re going to go to. She called me somewhat late, I had already left and my phone wasn’t getting any signal from this area that I was in so basically she never showed up because she didn’t have a ride.

At this point I knew that she was pissed off at me and I actually felt really good, if felt like I got back at her. We ran into each other again and she seemed pissed off but still remained friendly towards me. Later on that week we started sending text back and forth again. I decided to invite her over again. We hung out, watched a movie and talked some. But now it just seems way to awkward for me to get physical with her or even talk about our relationship. I also feel deep resentment towards her for rejecting me so many times. It’s been a while since we’ve known each other, usually when I meet a girl right off the bat things get physical but not with her. And after being rejected so many times it seems impossible and I really feel like im wasting my time with her. Don’t get me wrong I still like this girl but it just seems like after every time I hang out with her I feel sad and angry that she does want me like I want her. I don’t know what to do anymore, keep seeing her and hope for the best or just cut off all ties with her altogether?

[vashti]

I don't understand what right you have to be pissed off. Have you bothered asking her out on a formal date? Or are you just expecting her to start making out with you because you sit close to her?

I personally wouldn't bother making out with a friend if I were interested a more serious relationship.

[carl1222]

While I agree with Vashti, I don't think it matters in your case. You are DOA in the "friends' zone" and you always have been. She likes you a lot as a friend, but she doesn't think of you romantically. It's not just the rejected kisses, or the lack of you asking for a formal date ... but her whole reaction to any attempt by you to get phyically closer.

I suppose it would have been nicer (and easier for both of you) if she had simply said "I'm sorry, but I just don't think of you that way" but she's absolutely screaming that non-verbally and was probably hoping you would eventually take the hint and settle into a friendship.

Maintining a close friendship with her at this point is probably a bad idea because you are on such different levels of feeling.

Sorry.

Carl.

[a123]

what would constitute as a date? when we hang out alone or go to movies wouldn't that be considered a date. i don't understand why it would have to be labeled a date, and i don't see us doing or going anywhere where we haven't been or done.

[vashti]

what would constitute as a date?

A date would be where you call her on the phone a few days beforehand and say "Even though we hang out as friends quite a bit, I'd really like to take you on a formal date. Would you be available on Saturday night to ____________?" You have to include the word DATE so she knows you are intending this to be something other than two friends hanging out. If she accepts, that means she is interested in pursuing at least the idea of a romantic relationship with you. If she declines, she just wants to be your friend.

Carl may be right - she is probably a young girl who hasn't learned how to deflect boys very well yet, but the only way you will know for sure is to ask her out directly.

[a123]

what do you guys think i should do for valentines day?

[a123]

A date would be where you call her on the phone a few days beforehand and say "Even though we hang out as friends quite a bit, I'd really like to take you on a formal date. Would you be available on Saturday night to ____________?" You have to include the word DATE so she knows you are intending this to be something other than two friends hanging out. If she accepts, that means she is interested in pursuing at least the idea of a romantic relationship with you. If she declines, she just wants to be your friend.

Carl may be right - she is probably a young girl who hasn't learned how to deflect boys very well yet, but the only way you will know for sure is to ask her out directly.

what if she says that she's busy that day and gives me a logical excuse do i try to set up for another day or does the excuse count as a rejection?

[a123]

While I agree with Vashti, I don't think it matters in your case. You are DOA in the "friends' zone" and you always have been. She likes you a lot as a friend, but she doesn't think of you romantically. It's not just the rejected kisses, or the lack of you asking for a formal date ... but her whole reaction to any attempt by you to get phyically closer.

I suppose it would have been nicer (and easier for both of you) if she had simply said "I'm sorry, but I just don't think of you that way" but she's absolutely screaming that non-verbally and was probably hoping you would eventually take the hint and settle into a friendship.

Maintining a close friendship with her at this point is probably a bad idea because you are on such different levels of feeling.

Sorry.

Carl.

If she thought of me as a friend why would she call me out and tell me that i was giving her the silent treatment when i didn't text her for a few days. I just don't get that

[Cbrider]

Why in the world don't you just straight up ask her whats going on? Shes already pushed you away, so if the answer is she doesn't feel that way then no harm done.

You seem to be putting yourself in a lot of frustration over assumptions and circumstantial incidents.

[Charlie Boy II]

sorry bud, but you've got buckleys. The girl isn't interested and she's made it very clear.

[vashti]

what if she says that she's busy that day and gives me a logical excuse do i try to set up for another day or does the excuse count as a rejection?

If she likes you, she will probably try to set something else up, but if she doesn't, you could always just ASK her.

Just don't get your hopes up too high.

[a123]

If she likes you, she will probably try to set something else up, but if she doesn't, you could always just ASK her.

Just don't get your hopes up too high.

By asking her it just seems like i would come off as insecure. What would be a good way to ask her without seaming insecure and whiney?

[vashti]

By asking her it just seems like i would come off as insecure. What would be a good way to ask her without seaming insecure and whiney?

Insecure and whiney is usually a matter of tone, which you can control. Just be direct and matter-of-fact. Tell her you don't want to keep bugging her if she simply isn't interested.

[IndiReloaded]

By asking her it just seems like i would come off as insecure. What would be a good way to ask her without seaming insecure and whiney?

Its insecure to keep beating around the bush like this. Learn to communicate clearly, its to your benefit to do so regardless of whether the person you are trying to communicate with can or cannot. Cuts down on at least 50% of the errors.

Ask her out on a date. Say you are interested in getting to know her as more than friends and whether she is into that or not. There is nothing at all insecure about that. Good luck.

[lovesjoyajm]

What you're afraid of is that once you ask her, if she says no, the game is up and you have to move on. Just think of it as wasting less of your time.

It's not insecure to ask her. It's wimpy, unmanly and EXTREMELY unattractive to hedge around like you're doing.