Hi everybody...newbie needs advice!

[darkstar]

Myself and Emma were friends for yrs, I always fancied her, and ppl used to tell me she really fancied me though i never really believed it. So anyways, one night after not seeing her in months, we met by chance and wound up spending the night together.

Everything was great for the 1st few weeks, couldnt get enough of each other, txting each other, spending every free minute with each other. Then things suddenly changed, and that was down to me rather than her. I got kinda scared that everything seemed to be going so fast, was afraid of getting too attached or getting hurt or something. So suddenly I cooled a bit, stopped saying all the nice things a bf should, stopped making such a huge effort, even with things like talking, I never really really made an effort to talk to her on a really personal level like a boyfriend should.

So after a few weeks of this, I could tell she was getting a bit paranoid and frustrated, so she confronted me about it. I told her about how I was afraid of getting to close too quick after my last relationship went so wrong, and reassured her how much i really liked her but needed time before I could really let myself go.

She said she understood, and she liked me enough to carry on as we were until I felt more ready to get more serious.

Things didn't really get better after that, I could tell that she wanted more from me than I was comfortable with giving. Then she went on holidays for a week with a friend, when she came home we chatted on the phone and everything seemed fine, we agreed to meet and spend the weekend together ( the weekend being 5 days away). A couple of days after that call, I got a txt from her saying she was really restless and was considering going abroad for 6 months. Silly me of course said that if its what she wants then she should go for it, big mistake. She replied and said that she didnt think it was working, and she didn't want to be with me if I wasn't going to take it serious.

So I got dumped by txt message, which really made me angry. I decided not to reply in the heat of the moment. 2 days later when I kind of calmed down, I txted her back and asked her if we could meet up and talk about things, but to my surprise she told me she had already booked a flight and was leaving the following week.

I was pretty shocked that she had made up her mind so fast without talking to me, but we decided to meet up to say goodbye anyways.

We talked for ages, and I told her how much I really liked her, and wanted to be with her. I apologised for not putting in the effort and asked her if there was anything I could do to make things different. She did say that she really liked me too, but she had already made up her mind she wanted to go. We talked for a while about how we felt about each other, and both agreed if we were both still single in January (when she gets home) we would try again.

So now I'm left a bit up in the air, and don't know how to feel or what to do. I really regret not putting in the effort, because I know we could have reallly been good together. I wish I had shown her how good a bf I can be rather than the half-assed one I was with her.

We are going to stay in touch by email, but I'm not sure how I'm meant to act. It's going to be hard to keep it on a friendly level since I think much more of her than that. I'm going to find it hard to resist asking her how she feels about me every now and again, because waiting and wondering is a very hard thing to do. At the same time I don't want to pressure her, I know its a big thing to ask someone if they'll wait for you for that long, so I'm not going to. But then at the back of my mind I think, if this girl can't wait for me, and I can for her, then it seems I was more serious than she was afterall, so things just don't add up!? Maybe ppl are just different when it comes to that?

I'm finding it hard to deal with, I hope she didn't just say the whole 'we can try again if we're still single' thing just to make it easier on me, I'd rather know if she was completely finished with me so I could just get over it.

Argghhh....as you can see this has been bugging me for a bit. I'm just the type of person that if I like someone I'll wait for them, but I suppose not everyones like that even if they do genuinely like someone?

I don't mind wating for someone I like, but it's the wondering if ill get another chance thats driving me nuts. Is it too much to ask of her to wait for 6 months? I'm also afraid of blowing it by saying these things now, I think if I put up with things the way they are and not put so much pressure on I'll have a better chance in the long run?

Any advice appreciated!!

Jay

[m0by]

At least you're aware you've made a mistake by not approaching her with the problem in the first place. A typical mistake lot of people make. What I don't understand is why she decided to go abroad so sudden. Was she so upset that she had to go distance from you? It could be that it may had been in her plan to ditch you all along. Just a guess.

Keep in touch with her through email, but may be it's not good idea to get too serious now that she's already made up her mind to leave. Anything could happen in six months. She could meet another guy and decide to stay. The positive outcome would be she comes back to you in the end, but it all it is a hope.

But here's what you can do. You said you don't want to pressure her, but I think otherwise. You now have to make that big leap of getting her back, because if you don't you're just going to watch her drift away farther away. Go visit her or something that'll show her you are serious. Remember, you've ended up in this situation, because you sat back did nothing initially. Think of this dilemma as your one and only second chance. Don't keep making the same mistake over and over.

[darkstar]

When we met up before she left I did tell her how I really feel about her, and how I really want to be with her. She said she had already booked everything and decided she wanted to go, although she did have feeling for me, and would consider giving it another go later.

I've known this girl for 4 yrs, and I know she's a genuine person, and that she did genuinely like me very much. She barely stopped calling me when we were together, she wanted to spend every spare second with me, so there was definetely something there.

Even when we were together she would tell me how tired she was of her job, and how much she'd like to get away for a bit, she suggested that we should go on holidays together etc. I wish I had taken her more seriously. Still came as a surprise when she said she was off though.

Do you think it's too much to ask of most people to make a commitment when they are away for so long?

[squirrley]

Ok one things for sure..."dont know what you got til its gone"...statement sucks but true. Maybe she realized you werent ready for a committment and she was and thought this would be good for HER and her own needs in her time in her life.

Youre wanting to ask her to try and again and continue or restart your relationship while she is gone...why not ask her and talk to her about it? Let her go on this trip knowing youre willing to make things work. Youge got to give her something to chew on here...

I do understand your lack of not being ready for another intense relationship-your weariness per say but youre giving what you can to her right now and she needs to understand why and have patience. Good things come to those who wait-if she TRULY cared about you she would be there to support you and have compassion and understanding about your needs and wants...BUT you also have to understand hers. In a situation as this-both individuals MUST understand eachothers needs and wants, and work through them together. But also not let one or the other be walked on and feel used in the process. IF you see and understand eachothers goals then work towards them together.

It doesnt sound as if shes willing to wait. But if you want to give this woman an opportunity you gotta say something to her...I agree with Moby here-dont keep making the same mistakes. If you also think shes worth fighting for and waiting for let her know it.

You dont want sit around with your life down the road doing the what ifs...you dont-so go for it! If youve got something special with her give her what you can and let her understand where you are in youre life-if she feels the same than it will work out for the best...somehow. But you have both have to want it.

[darkstar]

Hi everyone,

Thx for the replies, you both make a lot of sense. As I've said, I did make some effort to win her back before she left, but I got the whole 'I really like you, and I hope we get another chace....if it's meant to be then it will' thing.
I kinda believe deep down that I won't get a commitment from her if I ask again, but it's something I need to ask, to know for sure.

I'm kind of frustrated and angry with her too. I mean, I lost her because she wanted a serious relationship, but before she left thats exactly what I offered. I feel that deep down I was more serious about this than her all along, since she didn't even give me a second chance. If she were as serious as me she'd jump at the chance of a proper relationship right?

I've been biting my tongue and saying nothing about it because the last thing I want is an arguement when my only goal is to win her back, know what I mean?

[darkstar]

I wrote her, and told her how I felt about her. Problem is she just doesn't believe me and I can't blame her since I never showed how much I liked her when we were together.

Really dissapointed, things could have been so different if only I tried harder.

[WindyCityLane]

IF you're really into her just keep it up. Woo her via email for the next six months. If you can, visit her abroad. That's a grand gesture. If she is really as into you as she seemed to be, she's just defensive right now because your quick dismissal ("Go for it!)really hurt her and now she's punishing you and recovering from the hurt.

She was right to leave because if she would have stayed that's really giving up a lot for someone who waits until it's too late to know what he wants and now maybe you'll appreciate the next opportunity you have with her. Especially since she was probably thinking, "He wants me to stay because I'm leaving but he wasn't so interested when I was readily available. If I stay he'll probably revert back to his initial 'I don't want to get serious too soon' logic and I'll have missed out on a great travel experience."

It's good you didn't (if you didn't) argue with her about how she wanted a relationship and is leaving now that you want one-that would completely turn me off and end any chance of a relationship, it's way to cocky and almost threatening.

[darkstar]

IF you're really into her just keep it up. Woo her via email for the next six months. If you can, visit her abroad.

I'd have no problem doing that, but doesn't that seem a bit stalkerish? Should I not just respect her decision that it's over, and if she comes around in her own time then so be it?

I sense from her the whole problem is that she neither really believes that I like her, nor believes that things will change if she takes me back. I understand that.

I wrote her back and told her I was dissapointed, and that I wish she could see I was genuine, but I understand why she can't since I was so indifferent when we were together. I wished her well and left it at that. I don't think there's much more I can do? I don't want to make a nuisance of myself. I told her how I feel and if she changes her mind then I think the next move must be hers...Am I wrong do you think?

Jay

[darkstar]

Just a quick update............

She wrote me another email explaining that the reason her 'stong feelings' for me are gone because with her it's a case of out of sight out of mind, but if she saw me again she would probably feel it again. Makes no sense to me, surely if feelings are genuine they will endure regardless of distance...what do you think?

[swimmingNreverie]

Well, I hate to put it bluntly, but you hurt the girl. She liked you a lot and you told her you couldn't make the same commitment that she could. And she said she could handle things being the way you wanted them to be. But honestly, I think thats only because she liked you a lot. No girl wants to be buddy buddy with someone they have romantic feelings for. She probably finally realized that she COULDN'T carry on the way things were--so she moved on with her life and made plans to go abroad. Then when you found out, all of a sudden you want to be with her more than before.
You're saying true feelings don't die, and you don't understand how she couldn't care for you as much anymore---but how hard do you think it was for her to understand how you could care for her before, but not enough to be in a relationship with her? Probably pretty hard


If you guys have been friends for 4 years, and you really like this girl and want her back, then keep in touch with her. If she really did like you, chances are when she sees you again her feelings may come back.
But sometimes when you push someone you care about aside, for your own agenda, you lose them. There is such thing as being too late, and I hope thats not the case from you, but speaking as a girl who was in a similar situation as hers, I know how bad it hurts, and once you get over it and move on, it'll take a lot to make you put your heart back out there, especially for someone that didn't seem to appreciate it enough before.