just broke up with boyfriend

[steven001]

Alright, so this seems like kind of a unique situation, but as I look at the topics of these other threads it doesn’t seem to be all that different from a lot of others. It’s kind of hard to get good advice from anyone unless they hear the whole story so here it goes
OK, about a year and a half ago I met this girl at a party. She was kind of flirting with me all night and dancing with me, playing beerpong etc. and kind of being really close. I was starting to get pretty drunk so I got to the point where I tried to kiss her, but she pulled away and refused. She told me she had a boyfriend. So the rest is kind of a blur, I felt like an ass and just ended up passing out in the other room.

I laughed the next day thinking about it. She probably thought I was a creepo and would never talk to me again. I forgot that I had sent her a facebook friend request the night before and noticed she accepted it that morning. Later on that day, to my surprise, she sent me an instant message on AIM and she was really friendly and we had a nice conversation. I was glad because it made me feel less like an ass, although we never brought up what had happened the night before.

She continued to message me on AIM every now and then and I ran into her a couple of times on campus. We kind of started to become friends and we had one of the same classes (but not actually in the same lecture) so we decided to study together. I didn’t know how her boyfriend would feel about us studying together, especially since we really didn’t need to and didn’t even have the same teacher. We really kind of just hung out. To my surprise I noticed her texting someone and then her boyfriend showed up and hung out for the last 15 minutes and he was actually pretty nice to me. He didn’t really seem bothered, maybe this is just how she is, really friendly.

We continued to hang out a little bit. I remember I went with her and a friend to a party, we took trips to wal mart a couple of times, and we would get lunch every now and then at the dining courts. We talked online a LOT and I noticed she texted me pretty often, sometimes we would have whole conversations in the evening through texts. She even came and visited me at my place over winter break even though it’s a little bit of a drive. I was really starting to like her even though she had a boyfriend.

She started talking about how her boyfriend was getting clingy and she just wanted her space. They went on a break for awhile and then eventually broke up. I knew I liked her but felt it would be too soon to make a move. I felt for sure we were in the friend zone though because she would tell me about guys she liked and even told me she had a crush on one of my friends. I kind of accepted it though and even told my friend and sort of tried to get them to go out, but it never happened.

We kind of started to lose contact toward the end of the school year and she was even kind of seeing one of the guys in my fraternity, which kind of made me jealous, but I’d already accepted us just as friends. So it wasn’t all that bad.

I don’t know what happened with that, but we really didn’t talk much at all over the summer, except occasionally on AIM. I even noticed on facebook that her and her boyfriend got back together. I didn’t see her once over the summer and once school started back up I saw her on campus and said hi but that was about it. Our friendship seemed to be fading, but I had other things on my mind.

Fast forward about four months she texts me out of the blue one weeknight she texts me asking me what I’m up to. So I suggest we hang out and she comes over. We just kind of watched TV and chatted. I had kind of started opening up to people more lately and had been more comfortable being myself so I kind of felt like we connected a bit more and I realized I’m pretty good at making her laugh. She also told me she had broke up with her boyfriend almost 2 months before.

Before I knew it she was texting me a lot again and we were talking nonstop. I still thought of us as just friends and didn’t have any reason to think otherwise, even though my friends didn’t seem to agree. We talked about going to the restaurant she worked at because she gets a huge discount. I thought of it as just kind of one of those yea we’ll do that sometime suggestion that never really happens, but to my surprise she was texting me the next night asking if I wanted to go.

So we go there and have a pretty good time. It felt kind of like a date, but didn’t feel like I deserved to be on a date with a girl this pretty. So the check rolled around and we kind of talked for a few minutes and I ended up picking it up because it almost seemed like she expected me to. I wrote it off as ‘well you got the discount and drove, I guess I can take care of it.’ I still wasn’t convinced it was a date though.

I got sick and my phone broke for about a week before winter break, so we didn’t talk at all during that time. I wasn’t at the point yet where I was really thinking about her and what was going to happen. I got my new phone and we were talking again. I suggested hanging out thinking it wouldn’t happen, but to my surprise she drove all the way to my place and we went out for coffee and saw a movie. I paid for both. I noticed her looking over at me a lot during the movie and we kept kind of making eye contact and I wanted to kiss her so bad. This was when I REALLY started falling for her and hoping I wasn’t imagining things.

The next night we texted back and forth a little bit as I was in bed. I thought the convo was over but she texted me again and I was shocked to see that she said ‘do you think if we became more than friends it’d ruin our friendship?’ Of course, I said no and asked her what she thought and she said ‘I think we should keep hanging out and see where it goes’

So we hung out another time and she actually asked me to drive her to the airport. That went really well. She texted me all week while she was gone and would often just text me at 1 in the morning to see if I was up and wanted to talk. We hung out the night after we got back to school at my place. We just hung out and watched TV again. I noticed us getting really close so I eventually grabbed her hand and we were holding hands. Next thing I knew, she surprised me and she kissed me for the first time on the lips and it lasted probably 20 seconds. After that she couldn’t seem to keep her hands off me the rest of the night even as I walked her home. We ended the night with a longer kiss and she really seemed to like me.
It seems like after this night she started talking to me a little less. I kind of expected it, as she is a straight A student who takes school pretty seriously.

I kind of noticed and asked her what she thought of the ‘see where it goes’ situation and she told me ‘I’d like to keep hanging out but I just don’t have time for hardcore dating.’

So we kept hanging out a little bit. Her roommate liked one of my friends so we did a couple of double dates and kissed a couple more times and usually held hands. Suddenly though, I noticed her not texting me at all and barely responding to my texts. I came back from the bars one night kind of drunk and depressed about it and noticed her on facebook chat and stupidly asked her about it. She could tell I’d been drinking so didn’t say much. I wrote her an email the next day explaining how I felt and how I didn’t get why she was barely talking to me lately. I told her my main concern was keeping a positive relationship between us, whether its as friends or as more and that she should just be straight up with me.

So she decided to talk to me about it and we met and got coffee and she told me that if she were to go out with me it would just be like re-doing what she did with her boyfriend. She said it’s not because she is not interested but she broke up with him because she just wanted more free time to hang out with her friends and do well in school. I didn’t feel so bad about this because it must have been a really big decision with her to break up with her boyfriend, who she really liked. I told her that was OK and I’m happy to be friends. It was hard to argue with that reason because it made sense.

My problem is that I REALLY like her. Even if we aren’t going to go out now, I hope we can sometime. I don’t really know how to go about things with her now. I’ve met a lot of girls in my life and none of them compare to her. She’s really a one in a million girl that I would be stupid to just let walk away, but I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to scare her off, but I don’t want to let her go.

If you were in her shoes, what would you want? Sorry this is SO long, but I feel all the little pieces are necessary. I’m also thinking there might be some unfinished business with her and her boyfriend. I feel like she liked me enough to be forward with me, but remembered why she broke up with her boyfriend once we got back to school. What should I do?

[amazonian]

Obviously I could be wrong, but, she sounds like an serial flirt who loves to have a challenge. It sounds like she loses interest once she gets the prize.
Probably wants all the boys to want her... Do you want a girlfriend that would treat you like that (her behaviour in the past will be her behaviour in the future)....
Also with a girl like that, if you want her, don't be so easy to get. Be popular with the other girls if you get my drift.

[empress_orchid]

im with amazonian. you should not be so easy to get. you should be like her, flirting without commitment (but maybe your heart feels the opposite). just stay cool and relax but keep touch with her from time to time, just not too often. ^^

[Gigabitch]

Well, if you're stuck in the Friend Zone, it's your own fault, Steve. Why are you so passive? It's such an unattractive quality in a man. I'm not saying you should go all caveman on her, but, well, maybe a little bit caveman.

Do you get the feeling she finds you physically attractive at all?

[IndiReloaded]

What's the urgency? Do you get the sense she is lying when she says she doesn't want to date right now?

I think you've got a shot, but have to play your cards right. She sounds like she could be interested in you. Your main problem, as I see it, is that you don't want to be left in the dust by some other guy when she starts to think she IS ready to date again.

So, here's what I think you should do. Preemptive stake of your 'bid' for this gal:

Go out with her for coffee or something equally innocuous. Turn the conversations toward dating, relationships, etc *generally*. Then, tell this gal about all the things you admire in her as a person. Then, tell her, while you enjoy being her friend that, were she to ever feel like she was ready to date (this should have some kind of prelude about you admiring her dedication to her studies, etc) that you would be VERY interested in taking your friendship to the next level.

Key to this: be VERY clear about this. No hints. You gotta man-up here and make sure she understands. But, also keep it very calm and casual. In other words, don't freak her out with a declaration of undying love. Just be factual and to the point: that if when she is ready to date, you think you would make a great couple and you would be very interested. But meantime, you understand her priorities and you are enjoying being her friend.

Good luck.

[steven001]

amazonian & empress child - Yeah you could be right, I'm not playing very much hard to get. It's just cuz I want a relationship with her and don't like games. I was kind of in a confused spot and needed to talk to her about it for my sake. I know it probably wasn't the coolest thing to do but it was driving me crazy how she was being all flakey, which is very out character of her.

And yeah serial flirt is kind of accurate, but at the same time she's had a couple of really long relationships and is a really conservative girl. She flirts a lot, but a lot of guys I know have tried to kiss her and been rejected before, so I would think HER kissing me would make me something more maybe?

Gigabitch - I was somewhat passive with her because she's a more conservative girl and told me first hand she likes guys that are a little stingey on the physical side. Plus I liked her a lot and didn't want to rush things. Plus we kind of WERE in the friend zone if she's telling me she thinks my friends are cute.

But to answer ur question about physical attraction, She's told me before she thinks I'm hot, a couple of times. she seems physically attracted to me, always being really touchy with me and stuff after we finally kissed

IndiReloaded - No, I feel like she is being honest with me. I mean she liked her boyfriend of 2 years when she broke up with him for this reason. I feel like it was a big decision with her and understand. But you're right on in the fact that I do want a relationship with her maybe EVENTUALLY. I like you idea of just telling her that, though. I'm just worried I'll come on too strong. I already sent her that long e-mail. I'll consider doing that though, I appreciate it

[steven001]

anyone got any more input? it'd really mean a lot to me if anyone can help...i know its long but that's cuz its important to me.