can she expect that from me?

[annoyed23]

OMG...are you kidding me...shes TELLING YOU HOW TO FIX IT!!! how can you expect her to just let this go a second time? Ive been cheated on and im still with him...because he did what I needed to get past it...and has kept up his side of the agreement. If you feel you are lacking the "attention" or the "ego boost" from your own wife, you need to communicate that with her. give her a chance to give you what you need!!!

[posea]

Wow. This guy did nothing more than act how his instincts tell him to act. We're nothing more than animals, attraction to the opposite sex is always going to occur. Nothing but fantasy. Now, lying in the relationship is obviously what she's pissed about.

How can you guys be so hard on him for just simply being infatuated with someone of the opposite sex? None of you ever develop a crush even when you're in a relationship? You're all lying to yourself.. posturing, as if your shit don't stink. It's natural. Human nature.

Now, this guy might also just be having the grass is greener effect. Seems like he thought another girl might be better than his wife, and now that his wife is gone he wants her back. Figure out what you want, then go all out for it. I think you need to consider your options. Is this relationship going to be the same when/if you get back together? Almost surely not. Consider it.

[DanPBG]

Thanks for your response. Posting here means a lot to me. There is nobody I can talk to, nobody who knows about my problems than my wife.
No, it‘s not this ‚grass is greener‘ effect. It‘s something that developed during my life. I grew up in the countryside and I had almost no contact with the opposite sex. I was married before. It was arranged by my family, non sexual and not happy. During these times I developed many ‚bad habits‘ but I was also dreaming of how perfectly I would treat a woman. All the years were bottled up inside of me. The strength of this inner drive was so strong and undeniable. All the years of pent up desires and wanting were like a nuclear bomb. And I do mean nuclear bomb.
I was happy when I met my wife but also started with the first lie. That was bad, I know it now. I pretended to live in separation. I proposed while my ex had no clue yet. Thats why my wife believes now I’m a ‚habitual liar and cheater‘. I feel ashamed of all that I did but can I break the pattern? I’m extremely worried, why could I not stop, since I’ve met the woman I always longed for, my wife?

[IndiReloaded]

Wow. This guy did nothing more than act how his instincts tell him to act. We're nothing more than animals, attraction to the opposite sex is always going to occur. Nothing but fantasy. Now, lying in the relationship is obviously what she's pissed about.

How can you guys be so hard on him for just simply being infatuated with someone of the opposite sex? None of you ever develop a crush even when you're in a relationship? You're all lying to yourself.. posturing, as if your shit don't stink. It's natural. Human nature.

Now, this guy might also just be having the grass is greener effect. Seems like he thought another girl might be better than his wife, and now that his wife is gone he wants her back. Figure out what you want, then go all out for it. I think you need to consider your options. Is this relationship going to be the same when/if you get back together? Almost surely not. Consider it.

Listen, airhead, we are NOT just animals. We have the gift of reason. Some of us, anyway. As for his behaviour, sure, crushes happen. We aren't responsible for our thoughts BUT we ARE responsible for our acts of will.

Dan acted, got called on it, and did it again. This is chronic behaviour, not a one-off mistake that he sincerely regrets and is making amends for. Huge difference.

[The_bobb]

I agree. Your inability to do a very simple thing for your wife (who you say you love) is a very good indication that maybe, you should just give up. She did the smart thing. She moved on... maybe you should take a cue from her and do the same. The more you text, the more i'm going to side with her. Because she seems to have it going on.....

You on the other hand, had this VERY simple (if maybe embarrassing) objective, that you've fought it the whole time you've been posting here.

Bottom line? Move on... it's obvious your "love", isn't THAT important to you, or you would have just done what she wanted in the first place.

[posea]

Listen, airhead, we are NOT just animals. We have the gift of reason. Some of us, anyway. As for his behaviour, sure, crushes happen. We aren't responsible for our thoughts BUT we ARE responsible for our acts of will.

Dan acted, got called on it, and did it again. This is chronic behaviour, not a one-off mistake that he sincerely regrets and is making amends for. Huge difference.

As much as you'd like to put greater meaning to our existence, we are just animals. Sure, the smartest animals on the planet... but animals nonetheless. Humans have natural desires to spread seed just like every other species to ensure it's survival. Pretty simple scientific theories. Something even an 'airhead' (good one by the way!) could grasp.

Yeah, his wife is definitely right in moving forward with her life but this guy is not the evil person everyone is making him out to be.

[DanPBG]

Thanks, posea. It's an every day struggle. Sometimes I think I know, then again I don't know anything. It seems like my wife keeps making sure that I'm aware of my mistakes everyday. It's not that she is saying something, I just got the feeling. Sometimes I think she put way too much into it. I can't make up stories just to pacify her. That's the frustrating part. She thinks that there's more when there isn't. It was just a drive but I didn't touch these women. I'm not sure what would have been if they would have initiated something but fortunately it didn't happen.My problem is - once I was on this track I couldn't be slowed down or stopped. I have no control, and thats bad. Thats why it took each time around a year until I was through with it. I'm really not proud of it, and I hope my wife will forgive me one day.

[IndiReloaded]

As much as you'd like to put greater meaning to our existence, we are just animals. Sure, the smartest animals on the planet... but animals nonetheless. Humans have natural desires to spread seed just like every other species to ensure it's survival. Pretty simple scientific theories. Something even an 'airhead' (good one by the way!) could grasp.

Yeah, his wife is definitely right in moving forward with her life but this guy is not the evil person everyone is making him out to be.

I have no problems with agreeing we are biological animals, but we are ones capable of reason. Our animal status is not an excuse for us to stop using what our brains evolved into, anymore than most human societies tolerate unchecked murder just b/c we happen to be capable of it. What are you, 16 years old? You sure sound like it.

If you want to lecture me on biology, perhaps you want to look up more of my posts before you embarrass yourself. Airhead.

[posea]

I have no problems with agreeing we are biological animals, but we are ones capable of reason. Our animal status is not an excuse for us to stop using what our brains evolved into, anymore than most human societies tolerate unchecked murder just b/c we happen to be capable of it. What are you, 16 years old? You sure sound like it.

If you want to lecture me on biology, perhaps you want to look up more of my posts before you embarrass yourself. Airhead.

I sound like a 16 year old? You're the one throwing insults on an internet love forum. And judging by your post count, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands. About the amount that a 16 year old might. Almost 5000 posts in about a year and a half. What's that.. 9 posts a day? 250 a month? Maybe you should work on reading comprehension before you threaten to 'embarrass' me in the field of biology. Do you even know the difference between biology and psychology? Sure doesn't seem like it.

Seriously.. if you're over the age of 16, you should know a more effective insult than 'airhead'. Pretty pathetic.

[Chris2009]

And did you just sign up for your 3 replies to this thread, to "assist" Dan?
Whatever. You wrote "...act how his instincts tell him to act. We're nothing more than animals..."
I agree. Thats what we are - animals with instincts.
Take a female. Twice the year she's in her heat. The guys really go nuts and start to fight over her. Guess who will make it? The guy whose in good shape, tall, young, strong, six- pack, courageous, motivated, smart, fast - just the perfect one. She just needs him for reproduction, thats all. If his job is done he becomes history. "Silence" for the next 6 month - then a new challenge. The guy who did the job before is forgotten, unless he would win again. Guess who will never get in her pants? The short guys, the cowards,the weakies, the sensitive's, the loser, the old once - because its all about physical qualities.
Thats about it.
But maybe you talked about rabbits, mice and protozoans.

[IndiReloaded]

I sound like a 16 year old? You're the one throwing insults on an internet love forum. And judging by your post count, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands. About the amount that a 16 year old might. Almost 5000 posts in about a year and a half. What's that.. 9 posts a day? 250 a month? Maybe you should work on reading comprehension before you threaten to 'embarrass' me in the field of biology. Do you even know the difference between biology and psychology? Sure doesn't seem like it.

Seriously.. if you're over the age of 16, you should know a more effective insult than 'airhead'. Pretty pathetic.

I type fast and think faster. And I've been on holiday the past 6 months, which is when most of my posts have been made. I don't watch television and I don't play computer games. This is my fun place and I occasionally give advice when appropriate.

You are the newbie that presumed to know more than other posters without knowing anything about their background and experience. And stating nothing about yours.

I have both biology and psychology degrees. You?

So. Airhead. Use a better argument to justify Dan's behaviour than "well, we are just animals afterall". This is just you regurgitating something you heard pretty recently from your science teacher & you are trying to act as if you actually understand how that fact fits into the context of a problem like Dan's. Are you even married? Ever had to deal with anything remotely like the OPs situation? I doubt it. I've taught students like you. So yes, you do sound like a 16-year old. Your arguments are about as well thought out. You could be older, but you're not any smarter. Though I might give you a range of 16 - 20 years.

Humans have laws and codes of conduct b/c we are more than 'just animals'. We are thinking, reasoning animals that can choose to overcome baser instincts. But, if you truly believe what you say, then get the hell off the internet and go find a cave to live in and dig grubs for your dinner. If it weren't for us being more than 'just animals' you wouldn't have a computer to type on right now.

Stop trying to give Dan an easy excuse out. He's a thinking adult who is responsible for his choices.

[Gigabitch]

How can you guys be so hard on him for just simply being infatuated with someone of the opposite sex? None of you ever develop a crush even when you're in a relationship?

It's not about developing a crush, posea. It's about how that is handled. I think he handled it very badly.

As much as you'd like to put greater meaning to our existence, we are just animals.

No. We're not. I'm not interested right now in giving you a lesson in remedial anthropology, so why don't you just Wiki it, okay?

Dan is unable to feel remorse about the damage he's done to his relationship and is unable to speak to his wife about this. This is a huge ****ing problem, and he absolutely deserves the censure he's receiving here.

Dan, when Mish called you a weasel, did that sound about right? It did to me. And I wasn't kidding, earlier, when I told you to go to a therapist and fix your mommy and daddy issues. You have some serious problems, but they're not necessarily permanent. You don't have to accept your emotional irresponsibility as being "just how you are" and move on with your life.

This really IS an opportunity, if not for your marriage, then at least for yourself. Look at this in the cold light of your own logical judgment, if you can't find your way to feeling anything about it. Is this really all you have to offer? Are you really so tragically flawed?

[posea]

I type fast and think faster. And I've been on holiday the past 6 months, which is when most of my posts have been made. I don't watch television and I don't play computer games. This is my fun place and I occasionally give advice when appropriate.

You are the newbie that presumed to know more than other posters without knowing anything about their background and experience. And stating nothing about yours.

I have both biology and psychology degrees. You?

So. Airhead. Use a better argument to justify Dan's behaviour than "well, we are just animals afterall". This is just you regurgitating something you heard pretty recently from your science teacher & you are trying to act as if you actually understand how that fact fits into the context of a problem like Dan's. Are you even married? Ever had to deal with anything remotely like the OPs situation? I doubt it. I've taught students like you. So yes, you do sound like a 16-year old. Your arguments are about as well thought out. You could be older, but you're not any smarter. Though I might give you a range of 16 - 20 years.

Humans have laws and codes of conduct b/c we are more than 'just animals'. We are thinking, reasoning animals that can choose to overcome baser instincts. But, if you truly believe what you say, then get the hell off the internet and go find a cave to live in and dig grubs for your dinner. If it weren't for us being more than 'just animals' you wouldn't have a computer to type on right now.

Stop trying to give Dan an easy excuse out. He's a thinking adult who is responsible for his choices.

I feel sorry for your students. I'm a newbie'? Who the hell cares when I decided to register for this forum? You sure are petty.

I presumed to know more without looking at backgrounds? What an ironic series of statements. You stated absolutely nothing until this post. I have a minor in psychology and have studied enough of both after being through with school to know what I'm talking about, you presumptuous 'airhead'. Just because I don't feel like typing out an essay on why I think you should be easier on him without making him out to be such a horrible person doesn't mean I'm a 16 year old. My whole point, before I started addressing you because of your inane comments pointed towards me, was that this guy obviously made a mistake getting married because he does not seem ready to be faithful to one person. But while some people can be faithful, it's just as common to find a couple that has had many problems with either jealousy or infidelity or lust or desire. Are you pious?

Go live in a cave and dig grubs for dinner... wow, I didn't realize the earliest humans ate bugs from the ground only. Weren't those the guys that developed many helpful tools? Oh yeah! Like weapons for hunting! So if I think it's natural to have desires for other women even when you're in a relationship, I believe that humans can't reason beyond basic instincts? Humans aren't the only animals that have codes of conduct. I suggest you learn a little more about other animals besides humans, because I'm doubting you have a degree in biology. And if you do, I think you were asleep in class. For a teacher you sure are a closed minded asshole.

I've been in a couple situations pretty similar to Dan's. I won't go into it, because you are incapable of reading any of my posts without saying 'airhead', and I gotta say, that is one of the most annoyingly stupid insults to read. Something about that word makes me want to reach through the computer, slap you, and tell you to think of a better insult.

I made no excuses for Dan, I think he's treated his wife pretty poorly and she definitely should move on. They both should move on. I think he handled the situation poorly as well. No arguments there. But when I was trying to make a respectful, differing response and got called names by a (supposed) teacher, I felt a need to respond to Indi. Not to further any more conversation about Dan specifically. But I can see this guy's response already. Save yourself some time buddy, I know more than enough about you from your couple posts towards me that you've already made.

[Chris2009]

You said you were "trying to make a respectful, differing response ". Is that right?
Was it not in your first response when you wrote "You're all lying to yourself.. posturing, as if your shit don't stink."...? You assumed. You stated something that you definitely don't know. In a way you attacked the people here who just responded to Dan's "can she expect that from me".
When you read his first posting you can see, from 4 years of being married he was almost 2 years infatuated with other women. I think that goes way beyond a "simply being infatuated with someone of the opposite sex".
Anyway, I think it would go beyond the scope of this thread to argue about the differences between human and animals and their "instincts".
It was Dan who opened here a thread because he was looking for help and advice. He got what he wanted, but maybe not what he was hoping to get. Whatelse does a guy deserve who was lying and cheating, who is dwelling in self-pity instead of getting active, who is nothing but a pathetic coward, and who was picking exactly your response to find what he was actually looking for - self-justification

[Aeradalia]

Posea... the main goal of this forum is to give useful advice --- advice that will help improve relationships, or individuals themselves, or both.

In the process of doing so... you have to realize that though some may come here asking for advice... what they're really looking for is validation for how they 'feel' or some kind of misconception they have. It's up to us... those who give the advice... to not only offer such advice... but to present it in such a way they cannot dissect the meaning and pervert it to justify their misguided stance on the issue.

Whether you are right or not on the trivial piece you mentioned is irrelevant. All that matters is the fact that you presented your 'advice' in such a way to where the OP could use it to validate his poor choices and selfish motivations. His marriage will surely fail and he will miss out on an opportunity to learn the lesson he so desperately needs to learn --- self-discipline.