can she expect that from me?

[DanPBG]

In introspect I know the catalyst for my actions, but the outcome leaves me baffled. I can see a sling-shot effect.
Nobody can imagine all of these being flooded all at once. That's the only way I can explain it.
As I sit here and write that is the only thing my brain is putting out.
What she is doing is definitely counter productive. I offer sincere and honest reflections about situation that 'I' brought up. Totally calm and direct, because there is nothing more behind them that what they are - just infatuations. Yes, I was immature, yes!
Yet, she shut down communication, so she is fueling a fire that has no purpose but to destroy. I just say it like it is. No fluff or snow.
I can see, understand, comprehend, and rationalize deeds and thoughts that have created friction. I can look back and say, "Yes, she had a very valid reason to respond the way she does." But, now I must say, "This is beyond comprehension."
This is not a normal behavior. It borders on ludicrous and ridiculous. Here's my point. I did things that aren't kosher. Yes, I know that. I do and am doing corrective steps.
Now, she went beyond what can be expected for what I did. The punishment doesn't fit the crime. I commit petty theft and she wants to chop my hand off.

[Aeradalia]

It basically comes down to the fact you weren't the man she needed you to be... even now, you're still blaming anyone and anything around you. She's gone because of you... gone because you failed to apologize for showing interest in other women while in a 'committed' relationship. If a guy wastes nearly two weeks debating about whether or not to apologize for showing interest in other women... I would think he may have had more to do with these women.... that his hesitation means he may want them more than me. She gave you an ultimatum... those women or her.... your hesitation made her think you chose those other women.

Too much time has gone by... too much time for a decision that should've been immediate. You discredited yourself.... I don't blame her for leaving. If you can't figure out something as simple as this... I can only imagine what married life with you must've been like. It's a wonder the woman stayed at all...

[lovesjoyajm]

In introspect I know the catalyst for my actions, but the outcome leaves me baffled. I can see a sling-shot effect.
Nobody can imagine all of these being flooded all at once. That's the only way I can explain it.
As I sit here and write that is the only thing my brain is putting out.
What she is doing is definitely counter productive. I offer sincere and honest reflections about situation that 'I' brought up. Totally calm and direct, because there is nothing more behind them that what they are - just infatuations. Yes, I was immature, yes!
Yet, she shut down communication, so she is fueling a fire that has no purpose but to destroy. I just say it like it is. No fluff or snow.
I can see, understand, comprehend, and rationalize deeds and thoughts that have created friction. I can look back and say, "Yes, she had a very valid reason to respond the way she does." But, now I must say, "This is beyond comprehension."
This is not a normal behavior. It borders on ludicrous and ridiculous. Here's my point. I did things that aren't kosher. Yes, I know that. I do and am doing corrective steps.

What "corrective steps" are you taking? It seems to me all you've been trying to do is find an easy way out of this situation that doesn't put YOU in an uncomfortable position.

It's already been said: you had almost two weeks to prove to her in a very simple, if embarrassing way, that she means the world to you, that you're sorry, that you know you made a mistake. You couldn't do it. You just proved to her exactly what she needed to know, and I'm glad she was strong enough to act on that realization.

Now, she went beyond what can be expected for what I did. The punishment doesn't fit the crime. I commit petty theft and she wants to chop my hand off.

What you did was cheat on her and refuse to make amends. She gave you a clear way to make it up to her and you didn't. Did you think if you just kept waffling around on the subject she would just forget about it?? Again, thank God, for her sake, she's got some dignity and a brain.

[kate_spencer]

Here's my point. I did things that aren't kosher. Yes, I know that. I do and am doing corrective steps.
Now, she went beyond what can be expected for what I did. The punishment doesn't fit the crime. I commit petty theft and she wants to chop my hand off.

Oh man, you committed the crime twice, as you said it.. your wife just wants her justice.. take the punishment if you really want to be forgiven, and to be (hopefully) with her again.

Well, if you can't accept the punishment she's giving you.. then better of leave it as is. Forget about her and move on.. and continue your life without her. Or do what she wants.. and never cheat anymore, ever.

I think I have to say this.. Be humble on making your apologies and do your best to be forgiven, no matter how hard the consequences and the punishments are.. just face it with truthfulness and show her that you're worth a third chance.

Good luck!

[Gigabitch]

:sigh:

Lemme 'splain, Dan:

Relationships are built on foundations, and the pillars of these foundations are love and trust. You did serious structural damage to the foundation of your marriage by undermining her trust in you and her belief in your love, and then you sat on your hands for weeks instead of jumping up to do the very simple thing she asked you to do. She gave you simple directions about how to begin to fix this and you couldn't even muster up any remorse. You STILL have no remorse, you're just pissy. I don't hear you feeling heartbroken. I hear you feeling annoyed.

You were, what, too embarrassed to apologize to your wife in front of this ex-supervisor? You thought this was unreasonable and that your soon-to-be-ex-wife is still being unreasonable?

Well, congratulations. You won the prize for Jackass of the Year.

[DanPBG]

I haven't posted for a while.I don't know anymore. I called my wife every single day, over and over again. Does that not show that I have changed?Is that not enough? My self-confidence is in the basements.How can I do what she wanted me to do when I feel worthless. My wife said things like :she thinks I'm just in a hole because I'm lacking a current target...she feels like I only want her back because I need the marriage as a safe starting point to 'operate from'... she can't be my therapist nor spine...things like that.
But what's the purpose of life? Whats my purpose in life?Work,eat,sleep. Work,eat,sleep.Work,eat,sleep.I asked my wife whats my purpose in life? She said she can't answer this. I'm confused and depressed.

[Mish]

No one can answer what your purpose in life is Dan, you need to find that for yourself.


Your wife sounds like a great woman, I like her.

[IndiReloaded]

I haven't posted for a while.I don't know anymore. I called my wife every single day, over and over again. Does that not show that I have changed?Is that not enough? My self-confidence is in the basements.How can I do what she wanted me to do when I feel worthless. My wife said things like :she thinks I'm just in a hole because I'm lacking a current target...she feels like I only want her back because I need the marriage as a safe starting point to 'operate from'... she can't be my therapist nor spine...things like that.
But what's the purpose of life? Whats my purpose in life?Work,eat,sleep. Work,eat,sleep.Work,eat,sleep.I asked my wife whats my purpose in life? She said she can't answer this. I'm confused and depressed.

Hi Dan. Good to see you post, sad to read you are still where you are.

Your wife makes some good points. Its not her job to provide your purpose in life.

Have you tried counselling yet, for yourself? Sounds like you could really benefit from some. They won't have answers, but they will help you organize your thoughts so you can start to find some for yourself. There's no shame in it, lots of ppl use counselling as a way to get out of a rut or their thoughts in order. Particularly if you are confused and depressed.

Where are you, approximately (just a state or region is fine)? Perhaps someone can post some links/phone numbers for you.

[DanPBG]

I won't call my wife anymore. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do anymore. It was thinking. Its unreasonable to expect from me to damage my image in public. Thats what it would come down to. Why would I do that? I mean I told her I wouldn't repeat anymore what I did in the past. I don't know how many times Ive told her that but she won't listen to me. She knows my weakness to become excited around people, so how can she raise the bar so high? Does she want me to lose my last pieces of self-confidence? I guess I will never be forgiven. Yesterday she said to me its not her "forgiveness I want, I just want her blessing to keep my clean records for further activities towards other women". She said all I care about is "my perfect reputation in public". I don't understand it. Whats wrong with that? Okay, I admit I did some bad choices in the past but whatelse can I say than I am sorry? Past is past. Not even my apologies are good enough. What does she expect? Novels?I told her I have changed but she doesn't believe me. She said things have to be worked out. She said I just want her to walk the rocky road by herself. I don't get it. Love shouldn't be work, it should be an easy flow, smooth and effortless. Shit happens, but its time to get over it and move on. I guess she just wants to punish me. It's all about her but what about me. I'm emotionally exhausted but she doesn't care

[DanPBG]

she is killing me

[Gigabitch]

Dude. She ****ing TOLD YOU that what you need to to is publicly apologize to her, in front of your coworkers, showing great understanding for her anger. You were lucky. Most guys don't get a road map like that. You have totally refused to do this, proving to her that you DO care more about your public image than you do about getting her back.

She's been really nice just to talk to you, Dan, considering how disgusted she is with your behavior. She has the patience of a saint, but any saint would have kicked you to the curb just like she did.

So she is NOT killing you. You're killing you.

[lovesjoyajm]

Dude. She ****ing TOLD YOU that what you need to to is publicly apologize to her, in front of your coworkers, showing great understanding for her anger. You were lucky. Most guys don't get a road map like that. You have totally refused to do this, proving to her that you DO care more about your public image than you do about getting her back.

She's been really nice just to talk to you, Dan, considering how disgusted she is with your behavior. She has the patience of a saint, but any saint would have kicked you to the curb just like she did.

So she is NOT killing you. You're killing you.

Giga, it's completely impossible to get through to him. He doesn't have any idea how easy he has it. There's nothing else in life where you're told the specific way to succeed, it's always just "do your best and see what happens". If you were told you needed to study X hours to get into med school or practice X hours a day to become a famous singer or exercise X hours a day and eat Y calories to not die of heart disease, most people would look at it as a blessing, but he is blind.

[DanPBG]

I'm worn out. I'm alone and tired of all this. She is pounding me into submission

[misombra]

hey giga, when are you going to come back to burque so we can have a double date?

[lovesjoyajm]

I won't call my wife anymore. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do anymore. It was thinking. Its unreasonable to expect from me to damage my image in public. Thats what it would come down to. Why would I do that? I mean I told her I wouldn't repeat anymore what I did in the past. I don't know how many times Ive told her that but she won't listen to me. She knows my weakness to become excited around people, so how can she raise the bar so high? Does she want me to lose my last pieces of self-confidence? I guess I will never be forgiven. Yesterday she said to me its not her "forgiveness I want, I just want her blessing to keep my clean records for further activities towards other women". She said all I care about is "my perfect reputation in public". I don't understand it. Whats wrong with that? Okay, I admit I did some bad choices in the past but whatelse can I say than I am sorry? Past is past. Not even my apologies are good enough. What does she expect? Novels?I told her I have changed but she doesn't believe me. She said things have to be worked out. She said I just want her to walk the rocky road by herself. I don't get it. Love shouldn't be work, it should be an easy flow, smooth and effortless. Shit happens, but its time to get over it and move on. I guess she just wants to punish me. It's all about her but what about me. I'm emotionally exhausted but she doesn't care

God, there are so many messed up things in here. I don't know why I'm still bothering when it's clear that your reputation is more important to you than she is. As I just said to Giga (and I don't know why I'm not following my own advice except that I'm stubborn), it's not possible to get through to you when you have this mindset.

First, can you just admit it to yourself?
Your reputation is more important to you than your wife.

Once you've come that far, I'd just like to say that this:

Love shouldn't be work, it should be an easy flow, smooth and effortless.

is crap. I don't know one person who would agree with that. Love is never easy, smooth and effortless, at least not after the initial I'll-do-anything-because-I-love-you phase has worn off. When you love someone you challenge them to grow and develop, and those aren't easy things. If being together and stagnating as people is your relationship, it may be easy, but it's not love.

Second of all, as far as her demands and your pathetic "attempts", she knows that you can't make amends for your actions with words. It takes more than that. You can't just say "sorry, I've changed" - there's nothing behind that! You need to show her! DON'T TELL HER. Your words are worthless. You hurt her with actions that DAMAGED HER REPUTATION. Now damage yours (possibly) if you want her back. Fair's fair.