can she expect that from me?

[DanPBG]

Hi. I'm new here and I need an advice. I'm married since 4 years and I truly love my wife. Unfortunately it happened that I became infatuated with another woman. There was no sex involved but it was like an obsession, I couldn't let it go and it lasted more than a year. I know I did wrong. It was a bad choice and I'm really not proud of it. I know I have problems there because I must confess, something similiar happened at the beginning of our marriage. I was thankful my wife didn't leave me at that time. But now it happened again. I don't know whats wrong with me because I do love my wife. Anyway, this time she finally left me and said she would only come back if I would apologize to her in front of this woman. She said this way she would see if it was true what I told her, since I was lying a lot before. I think there she is going too far. How can I do this without putting myself in a very uncomfortable situation? Howelse can I prove that I had no sex with these women? I'm at a loss.

[carl1222]

You have emotionally cheated on your wife twice ... and you want fixing it to be "comfortable"????

She's letting you off easy. She should insist that you stand on main street for a week with a sign around your neck that says "I'm a cheating bastard but I want my wife back." You should apologize on CNN!!

You think you are a better man just because you kept your d**k in your pants? You think it wasn't cheating????

If I were her, I would dump your a** for good!

Carl.

[DanPBG]

I guess I deserve that. The problem is, the woman was my supervisor. I knew she was single and looking but I'm not even sure if she felt the same attraction. Something was there, I must confess that. After she quit I kept calling her but hid it from my wife. I know that was wrong, and today I regret it. But my ex supervisor still knows people I am working with, she also is my recource for good references I might need in the future. I'm just not sure if the price I shall pay is to high compared to what I actually did. At the other hand I need my wife back so badly....

[BigQid]

In my book, you do get credit for keeping dick in pants, but imagine if the situation were reversed. What would you want? You would need her to do something to prove to you that this won't happen again. A minute or so of embarrassment to keep your wife seems like a fair trade. Take the charge and keep it moving, and next time don't fixate and if you do put the energy into your wife that you imagine putting in with these other women. Win win.

[misombra]

your wife is crazy for hanging with you.

[DanPBG]

I'm sorry, I'm squeezing my brain here but I still don't get it.I miss my wife so much,I want to show her how much I love her but how can I if she's not here?I can't sleep anymore.I'm here all by myself,I don't go out, I'm depressed but she says she's not going to play the 'substitute during idle times'. I know I acted immature, and I told her that.I know I said it before but this time is different. I've really learnt my lesson.I call my wife as much as I can throughout the day. I describe any encounters I have with all people the best I can... whatelse can I do? I don't know anymore if she cares about how I feel.I feel like I'm punished too hard... I'm confused

[misombra]

your wife probably feels worse. it's hard to have sympathy for you. you made your bed.

[IndiReloaded]

If I were your wife, I'd suggest counselling for you to figure out why you need to do these things. Then I'd wait to see if you were serious enough to actually go do it for yourself and your marriage. Eventually, possibly both of you should go if there are things she can be giving you but isn't. Your counsellor will suggest, if so. But really, based on your (very guilty) post, it sounds like the problem is largely yours.

Some guys (and gals) need the ego-stroking that attention from others gives you. Go figure out why that is & maybe your wife will forgive you. But keep doing what you've been doing and you'll get where you are going. A big fat divorce, sounds like.

Good luck.

[misombra]

i thought you were gonna say hell.

[IndiReloaded]

Hell.

I feel so much better now. All this time and I *still* have problems cursing even on LF, lol.

Did I mention I watched a tow plane take up a glider the other day? Thought of you, Miso. When do you go??

[misombra]

yeah i saw that. i'm thinking of going in two or three more months. apparently it's better in the spring time.

my goal is to glide to the grand canyon/powell lake and back.

[DanPBG]

You're right, I can see that. I figured I'm boosting my self-esteem when I focus on women and get the reponse I'm looking for. That would make me feel more confident about myself. This quick and temporary 'fix' gave me a feeling of self-confidence in me.
I don't want to continue on the path that I had chosen earlier. I can see the difficulties that has caused and is still causing. I can't change the past...I really wish I could, but I can't.
My wife doesn't trust me anymore, and all I want is her trust and forgiveness. It drives me crazy that she is gone.
But does it make sense when I lower my self-esteem even more by putting myself in such a bad spot, like facing this woman and kind of 'outing' myself? My wife said confessing weaknesses means strength to her.. I'm not sure there

[IndiReloaded]

BPG = big pig guy?

Poor fellow. Don't appreciate what you got until its gone, right?

Your wife leaving you gives her back some badly-needed face. Your public apology to her in front of this other woman (who might also owe her an apology, btw) might help begin to repair your relationship. Its a small price to pay, really, for salvaging a marriage that you claim to really care about. If this were all one-sided on your part, I'd have a different opinion about involving this other woman, but I am assuming she knew you are married.

Get that counselling, you need it. I don't think you'll change your ways until you root out whatever insecurities you have about needing all this attention. If I were your wife, I'd be likewise skeptical.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, Dan. I sincerely doubt the other woman shared the attraction. A man behaving the way you've behaved is not attractive. It's disgusting.

Get your ass to therapy and fix your mommy and daddy issues. Clearly, they didn't pay enough attention to you.

[The_bobb]

I want to show her how much I love her but how can I if she's not here?

Try doing what she ASKED you to do? Might be a good start....