I'm stuck!

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 06:57 PM

Hi all - I'm new here. *waves*

Im a bit stuck with some things in my relationship. Im not sure what to do. I've been with this guy 5 months now, and he is generally very nice in many ways, and we have tons in common. However -

The first problem is my guy can be very self centred and controlling. Its his way or the highway with most things and he wont give in or discuss them once he's decided. I have to accept it or leave. He is sometimes quite rude and cruel about it. If I argue, I get huge wrath from him. He is very independent and has this air of not really caring if Im with him or not. Yet he says he loves me and one day wants to settle down and so far so good, etc. This hardness in him is very tough to swallow. I tried to talk to him about it but he says thats the way he is. And yet he also has a soft cuddly side - but only on his terms. Its making me jumpy and nervous around him because I never know which mood he is in!

The other thing is that he is still friends with several of his ex girlfriends, and also has lots of other woman-friends, whom he mails and text's often and they do to him. Sometimes there are sexual jokes. And he is very protective of the communication with them and wont let me see them and had a fit when I wanted to. I dont like that he seems to want this so private - it makes me wonder if he has secrets. And when I mail or sms him he very often doesnt reply or ignores them altogether. This is making me feel very left out and insecure as it makes me feel insignificant, not important enough/as his friends. His guy friends also get replied to. When I mentioned how I felt, I was told Im jealous and jealousy creates hate. Perhaps I am jealous...but only because I feel undervalued and not special to him. He is making me feel very dispensible!

I love him lots and love his good sides and otherwise we enjoy each other, but what do I do about these things? I dont know how to make myself not feel, not care about them - or even if I should be trying to do that!!

I read Blue's thread and am worried that I am competitive and jealous and insecure and its all me and theres nothing wrong with what he's doing. But I feel sad and hurt and dont know what to do about it! Help?

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 07:09 PM

PS just FYI I am not all over him 24/7 and dont try to control him or his life, and I dont message him or call or email all day long - I try to give him as much space as I can. And the weird thing is then he often says things like 'what, no hug/kiss?' Or 'Where are you' or 'Morning love how is your day going you have been quiet' etc. But if I do contact him it gets ignored! This is so confusing!!

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 07:14 PM

Oh and his libido is becoming non-existant too. All this would say to me that 'he's just not that into me' - but then if I ask if he is happy with me and loves me he says yes. Once when we had a fight I gave him the opportunity to get out of the relationship but he patched it up instead. So what does he want then??

**misombra** · 19-02-09, 09:46 PM

dump him.
_______

**carl1222** · 19-02-09, 10:23 PM

I can't see a single good reason for staying with a guy like him.

His bad qualities:
- superior attitude, know it all
- rigid and inflexible
- unaffectionate
- overbearing and controlling
- indifferent
- disrespectful of you and your relationship
- stubborn/ill tempered
- secretive
- not attracted to you physically
- no sex.
- emotional cheating
- probably sexual cheating, if not now, soon.

What on earth are his GOOD qualities?

Carl.

**vashti** · 19-02-09, 10:34 PM

I'd run as fast as I could. Your dating period is supposd to be the HIGH point of your relationship, and it already sounds bad. I can't imagine what you find of value in this guy.

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 11:11 PM

Can I say 'oh crap' on here? Good question actually, Carl. Made me think. Well we are the same in terms of culture, class, religion, politics, kids, hobbies, lifestyle, tastes. And he likes to cuddle - when he wants it. He is fun and interesting and smart and nice looking. But now the question is, is it enough. Probably not. Hell. I love the man.

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 11:20 PM

The guy before him was the same. The one before that was a cheater. Am I in a pattern of picking nasty men or are all men this way??? I keep trying different guys because of this but somehow they end up being the same! Where are the decent chivalrous gentlemen??

**misombra** · 19-02-09, 11:21 PM

because you keep attaching yourself to these guys. that's why.

**Starstruck** · 19-02-09, 11:29 PM

Yea. Am I too available?

**misombra** · 19-02-09, 11:38 PM

you're too available to the wrong people.

**carl1222** · 19-02-09, 11:43 PM

It's not that you are too available, it's because you pick the wrong kind of men.

One bad boyfriend, shame on him. Three bad boyfriends in a row, shame on you.

The world is filled with sexy, decent, chivalrous gentlemen. I would question why you are attracted to bad boys instead of them. You may not be able to control who you are attracted to, but you can certainly control who you choose to go out with. Just reject the ones who are cocky, self-centered and indifferent and pick from the rest.

Carl.

**lesa** · 20-02-09, 12:41 AM

He is speaking loud and clear: accept it or leave. Do you not understand that?

**TheGreek** · 20-02-09, 02:01 AM

Leave him.

**Mish** · 20-02-09, 07:11 AM

Originally Posted by Starstruck

The guy before him was the same. The one before that was a cheater. Am I in a pattern of picking nasty men or are all men this way??? I keep trying different guys because of this but somehow they end up being the same! Where are the decent chivalrous gentlemen??

Where are you looking for them?

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