Newly single, clueless (saga!)

[SirDanley]

Umm. Hopefully I'm in the right room, my intent isn't quite to make this a thread about a break-up necessarily, rather what to do after it, and my heart isn't quite broken feeling (just confused, maybe?) so...

But the fact remains that I am a person who has recently broken up with someone, and that the implications of this are racking my psyche.

Basically I suppose the summation is along the lines of having trouble getting back into... life after a year long relationship. A relationship of the sort that leaves one wondering exactly what "normal" is. I have trouble knowing quite what to do with myself, and know I have to get myself out there, but I get lonely, occasionally even for her, who I do still love, but just can't-

Well, let's gather up some backup saga, hopefully it'll be entertaining enough at least to endear a bit, as this was short of a normal relationship:

We met up a year before we got together, and a few months after that she moved in with me. We'd always had a lot in common, could talk for hours and bond and laugh over things... Then again, I always knew she was a bit less than sane. I had it in my mind, somehow, that if I could show her how loveable she was, it would somehow extinguish the self esteem and paranoia problems engrained in her...

So it steadily became obvious that this wouldn't quite be the case. She was constantly intimidated by me, viewing me as a god, constantly afraid that I'd do something, and she'd just have to agree with it, because that was her way; completely dependant on me. I was her world, her obsession, in a way that wasn't healthy. She was horribly jealous, and would throw tantrums; her behavior both in front of my friends, and in regards to me having a social life at all, basically killed my social life. She needed constant attention from me to make sure she wouldn't have a breakdown, and I was always a fairly independant person...

Then she'd feel guilty, try to go along with anything that I did that bothered her without speaking up about it, and as a result, harbor resentment for me. We'd argue (often about the stupidest, littlest things, or bizzarre, off the wall accusations on her part), and I found myself being forced to yell at her, because in her opinion, if I was calm throughout things (and I er... was... a fairly calm person before) then I was "cold", and she wouldn't listen.

I hated having to yell at her, because I loved her. I hated resenting her for basically ruling me by virtue of her tantrums, and encumbering my social life, because I loved her. I stayed with her for a year after all that began, because I loved her. Even after she started threatening suicide, and I had to call the cops once on her to drag her away to make sure it didn't happen because she'd called me while I was away (at a final, actually). I stayed with her for nine months after that. And in ways, she did seem to be getting better... But at times I know that she was doing things basically against her will to please me, and it didn't always for the moment make her happy, or give her good feelings towards me.

And she continued to lapse into rages and bouts of cutting herself, threatening suicide; those lapses just became too much for me to bear at some point, and I realized I was becoming a fairly dour, restricted person as a result of my being with her, and it really wasn't fair to her... I felt horrible, but I had to end it. She begged me not to, and promised she could change... But I knew that if she had been capable of changing, she would have done it before; it wasn't her fault, and I knew she didn't want to be the way she was... But it wasn't going to work.

Towards the end, I think the fact that we're both horrible perverts was the only thing that was keeping it together, which was sad.

That was a month ago.

The big problem was that she had nowhere to go, so I had to let go of her completely; the only place for her to go at that point was with her parents, on the opposite end of the country (New York, I'm in CA). I kept up communications with her for a bit, her behavior was... An erratic mix of begging for me back, hating me, and doing things to apparently make me jealous... Before she cut off contact with me altogether.

Which hurt. A lot. Because I mean... I still do love her. I don't quite regret breaking up with her, at least for a while, til we're both a bit more grown up, and a bit more self sufficient (through this period we were both just college students, and I haven't been able to find work since graduating, so we were basically both living on my parents' bill as well. Which was a worry in itself). So... When she stopped talking to me outright (which I know, might be something we both need, for a while), it really was like losing a best friend; even though we were at each others necks, when times were good, they were occasionally really good. It's just that when they were bad... They were horrible. And that was frequent.

...

Ok, that leads us to the present day. Basically after a year of insanity, it's hard to know what to do with myself. I know I shouldn't plunge into a serious relationship, but I get lonely.

On top of that, I need to make friends again... Basically, my friends through this were absolutely amazing, and were there for me in ways that bring a tear to my eye, and continue to be... Problem being, that half of them are out of state at the moment, and the other half are "grown-ups" now mostly, with jobs, families, etc... Where I'm still sort of in college student, bachelor mode.

And I have no clue where to go to find friends, where to meet girls... I'm afraid this city doesn't have much in the way of youth culture. In reality, I know I should either move to somewhere that does, or to where my friends mostly are at the moment, but... Unemployment, broke.

And I'm... Really, really lonely actually. There just seems to be so little I can do to alleviate this. I've gone on a couple dates, no one's blown me away for a while (or any other way for that matter )

Uhh. I guess I know what to do. Maybe? Get myself out there in some form, whatever form I can think of? But I could use some encouragement, some suggestions for how to do that... I mean, I'm sure I'm not the first person who's been in this situation, right?

I mean I'm not miserable; I can finally do a host of things I was unable to do largely with her around, I'm again focusing on developing myself instead of worrying constantly about her mental wellbeing... But... Yes, loneliness, and the need for a social life a bit closer than 300 miles away (which is how long I drive every couple weeks to see my friends).

At least, I got a Valentine from her, which was unexpected. Which actually made me feel really, really good. I know she can't see this far into the future (one of her problems, along with acute selfishness), but... I still have hope, that in the future she'll have developed past that, and once she does... She'll be amazing. And something tells me that we'll be together again someday...

But til then, I need to live my life. Apologies for writing a novel, I've needed to vent as you can see. It was only a month ago I suppose, so I shouldn't be hoping for the world, I guess. Any suggestions?

[Indignant]

Then again, I always knew she was a bit less than sane. I had it in my mind, somehow, that if I could show her how loveable she was, it would somehow extinguish the self esteem and paranoia problems engrained in her...

She was constantly intimidated by me, viewing me as a god, constantly afraid that I'd do something, and she'd just have to agree with it, because that was her way; completely dependant on me. I was her world, her obsession, in a way that wasn't healthy. She was horribly jealous, and would throw tantrums; her behavior both in front of my friends, and in regards to me having a social life at all, basically killed my social life. She needed constant attention from me to make sure she wouldn't have a breakdown, and I was always a fairly independant person...

We'd argue (often about the stupidest, littlest things, or bizzarre, off the wall accusations on her part), and I found myself being forced to yell at her, because in her opinion, if I was calm throughout things (and I er... was... a fairly calm person before) then I was "cold", and she wouldn't listen.

And she continued to lapse into rages and bouts of cutting herself, threatening suicide; those lapses just became too much for me to bear at some point, and I realized I was becoming a fairly dour, restricted person as a result of my being with her, and it really wasn't fair to her...

I kept up communications with her for a bit, her behavior was... An erratic mix of begging for me back, hating me, and doing things to apparently make me jealous... Before she cut off contact with me altogether.

When she stopped talking to me outright (which I know, might be something we both need, for a while), it really was like losing a best friend;

At least, I got a Valentine from her, which was unexpected. Which actually made me feel really, really good. I know she can't see this far into the future (one of her problems, along with acute selfishness), but... I still have hope, that in the future she'll have developed past that, and once she does... She'll be amazing. And something tells me that we'll be together again someday...

according to THAT, you are in need of therapy. that poor girl.

[SirDanley]

Hmm, therapy for me might be an idea, but are you suggesting that I'm to blame for her problems?

Her problems existed before me, and yes, I was aware of them, but I suppose I was naive and wanted to help her. I thought I could, before I realized she was the only one who could help herself. I didn't ask for her to be so dependant on me, and I didn't expect it in the magnitude with which she dished it out, especially. I didn't bring them out of her through any particular action (she was of the mindset to never be happy, I think), but I became responsible for her in that way. She was mentally ill, and did take pills.

Maybe it's wishful for me to hope that someday she might have her act together; there's still much that I love and miss about her. But in general, I tend to be an optimist, and like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I dragged it on too long, but it was always with the expectation that things would get better.

Tell me if you think I'm cruel, but I think I was just dumb from love, so you can go ahead and call me insane. The logical thing may have been to put an end to it before it got too deep but... I suppose I did keep having hope. And in that context, I've wonder how I could have done it better; I think I did about as well as anyone could.

It was a learning experience, in any case, and I was definitely naive.

[Only-virgins]

Hmm, therapy for me might be an idea

I don't know what you wrote cause that shit is way to long but therapy is NEVER a good idea. The point of a therapist is to take your money and make you more miserable.

[Indignant]

how old are you?

[Indignant]

I don't know what you wrote cause that shit is way to long but therapy is NEVER a good idea. The point of a therapist is to take your money and make you more miserable.

long story short, he is an arrogant young man who had sucked his gf dry and now is looking for compassion.

[SirDanley]

I don't know what you wrote cause that shit is way to long but therapy is NEVER a good idea. The point of a therapist is to take your money and make you more miserable.

Haha, I wouldn't have read it either, I suppose I wrote it all out as much for my sake rather than anyone else's benefit. Well, this forum is cheaper than therapy. So.

how old are you?

23. And a half. If my actions seemed so inexperienced, then I'll tell you it was my first serious one, I hope I can't be blamed too much for that.

[SirDanley]

long story short, he is an arrogant young man who had sucked his gf dry and now is looking for compassion.

Why am I to blame for her mental problems? Ok, it was stupid of me to have tried in the first place; blame me for falling in love with someone.

Tell me what I should have done. It sounded just as improbable to me that she would start having random tantrums, cutting herself apparently depending on nothing but her mood, and that she was usually unwilling to communicate.

But then I started living it, and it became significantly more believable.

[Indignant]

in which way did she show her mental illnesses prior to your relationship?

[SirDanley]

in which way did she show her mental illnesses prior to your relationship?

I knew that she had already been a self injurer and would cut and bite herself over things that distressed her, a few times she'd attempted suicide. She was often chronically depressed and wouldn't leave her room for long stretches. She was anorexic and bulimic. In general she had a horrible self image of herself, nearly no self worth, was ashamed to even show herself in front of people in any setting, and would occasionally break down in such settings... Though those are both aspects I enjoyed seeing improve within her, with time.

She once cut off contact with me for a month or so after I claimed to dislike Boca burger patties.

She once cut off contact with me for a couple months and screamed at me after I visited a female friend who she (as I learned later) was jealous of, before we were even together (I was not desiring or expecting any romantic encounter with said friend).

...So I guess this shows I know how to pick 'em, eh. She grew up in an abusive home (parents were alcoholics and treated her in an ill manner) and had many difficulties in her childhood, and I guess I thought that love could fix anything. Maybe that was arrogant, but... I loved her. And I'll list all the reasons why if you ask me to.

[Indignant]

I knew that she had already been a self injurer and would cut and bite herself over things that distressed her, a few times she'd attempted suicide. She was often chronically depressed and wouldn't leave her room for long stretches. She was anorexic and bulimic. In general she had a horrible self image of herself, nearly no self worth, was ashamed to even show herself in front of people in any setting, and would occasionally break down in such settings... Though those are both aspects I enjoyed seeing improve within her, with time.

She once cut off contact with me for a month or so after I claimed to dislike Boca burger patties.

She once cut off contact with me for a couple months and screamed at me after I visited a female friend who she (as I learned later) was jealous of, before we were even together (I was not desiring or expecting any romantic encounter with said friend).

...So I guess this shows I know how to pick 'em, eh. She grew up in an abusive home (parents were alcoholics and treated her in an ill manner) and had many difficulties in her childhood, and I guess I thought that love could fix anything. Maybe that was arrogant, but... I loved her. And I'll list all the reasons why if you ask me to.

yes, why did you love her? what was there to love? the smell of fresh vomit in the morning? mind sharing pictures of you two as well?

[SirDanley]

yes, why did you love her? what was there to love? the smell of fresh vomit in the morning? mind sharing pictures of you two as well?

...Alright, this has obviously ceased to be constructive, I've yet to hear why you harbor this grudge, and don't care to try toward finding out any longer.

[Indignant]

...Alright, this has obviously ceased to be constructive, I've yet to hear why you harbor this grudge, and don't care to try toward finding out any longer.

whatever. you won't see any compassion from me.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with your assessment that you shouldn't jump into another relationship. You're just not ready and I think your taste in women runs to the nutty. You'd probably just attract another weirdo. I know. I've seen my brother do it. He's a psychophile, just like you.

If you get lonely, deal with it. You can be lonely IN a relationship too, as I'm sure you're aware. You need to stabilize, because you've been in Crazy Land for such a long time. Find something constructive to do with yourself and let her memory recede. Don't contact her. Let her go.