Last Effort to save my relationship

[_Hello123]

I am writing this as a last effort to save my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a bit shy of 4 years, and over the most of the relationship we have one problem that we have never been able to get over that is definitely a deal breaker for something long term.

We have tried what seems like everything, including couples counseling, individual counseling for me, individual counseling for her, we’ve read books, and oh does it feel like so much more. But it seems like there is nothing we can do to break this deal breaker problem.

I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience and has had success dealing with it, or knows of anyone who specializes in dealing with this specific problem. We are willing to even travel to someone who can help us. Let me explain.

In the beginning, our relationship was probably as far away from any relationship that any girl could ever dream of. I was not a nice guy, did not so nice things, had not so nice friends who’d say not so nice things to my girl. I could go on and on, but bottom line is I did a lot of things that hurt her (although I never cheated on her)

One evening I got a call from my friend whose girlfriend was friends with my girlfriend who told me that my girlfriend was about to leave if I didn’t change the way I was treating her. It then hit me that if I didn’t change I was going to lose her.

Because I loved her and knew deep down that I really wanted to be with her I preceded to change. I remember a while ago we were at the book store and we looked at a book titled “it’s usually his fault” I returned to the book store and bought the book..

The premise of the book was basically treat the woman as if she’s on a golden pedestal, and she’ll return the favor with love. And so from then I became to change to the good boyfriend. In fact I did a complete 180 which she’ll even tell you. She appreciated what I was doing, but after the transition came an unexpected outcome.

In the beginning of the relationship I had all the power, she had none, but as the transition took place she gained more power, and as a result she started getting angry with me much easier. Instead of continuing to do what was upsetting her, I changed and stopped doing it. This may sound good, but it went way too far. She didn’t like when I was talking on my phone with my friends, now I cannot talk to them in her presence without her getting mad. I can’t even talk about them or she’ll get mad.

It’s really bad, I feel I can’t even think for myself or I have to deal with a mad girlfriend. Living like this is horrific, I constantly walk on egg shells trying to be perfect, but there’ll always be something I don’t do correct then it happens again.

We’ve went to 2 counselors together, and we each went to a counselor by ourselves. Bottom line, is each of them say that it all routes to how I treated her in the beginning. Everything that she does now is a result of her not able to get over the past. I truly feel horrible as I feel that we have exhausted all possible resources out there to help us out. And even worse is it was all created by myself..

As selfish as this may sound, I cannot continue to be in a relationship like this. We’ve been dealing with this same unresolved problem for over 2 years, and we really haven’t made any progress. As tough as it is going to be to breakup, I have no choice as I know deep in my heart, that I will not be happy in this relationship, and for that this is why I’m writing. I want to know if there is anyone who knows someone who is a specialist in dealing with this, and has had success turning problems like this around. This is my last ditch effort to save our relationship.

[lesa]

No, I don't know any specialists for your situation. If you are at the point of breakup, I think temporary separation is your last hope. In a relationship like this one you guys need an extended space period. Note, that this is not a break period...make sure she understands that. You guys are still together and not allowed to see other people. You are just not allowed to spend the same amount of time together. You may still see each other but reduce it to about 10-20% visitation for business things, etc.

[plexus]

People can change, as you have demonstrated. If you have indeed changed from being the bad boyfriend to the good boyfriend, and its sincere and you have enough of a track record that you can be trusted around it, then... she will now have to change. because you treated her so badly its going to be a very special gift to you if she decides she wants to change. if she can not truly forgive you, it will not work and you will break up. so you need only ask her if she can ever forgive you and if there is anything you can do to help. you will have to throw yourself at her mercy and respect her decision and feelings around this. thats my opinion.

[Gigabitch]

Well, she gave you an ultimatum and it worked. Now it's time for you to give her one. I would think a responsible therapist would have told you this by now. The past has GOT to be put away if you want to move forward, and she has to resolve to try to do this. This isn't impossible.

Why would you say this isn't resolved? Is she still punishing you? Maybe you need to do something almost ritualistic together to try to address the problem. Yes, you've changed your ways, and going forward, it looks like you're going to be better, but have you specifically addressed your past transgressions, showed remorse, looked directly into her eyes and apologized for hurting her (make sure it's specifically that, not "for saying mean things" or "for letting your friends say mean things about her"), promised that you won't do these things again and asked for her forgiveness?

Changing your behavior is only half the battle. You have to fix the damage you did as well, not merely vow to stop doing damage and just leave her to heal her own wounds. You have a responsibility, here.

Sorry to be crude, but look at it this way: it's kind of like you took a big dump right in the middle of her living room. It's not enough to never do it again. You also have to clean it up. Shampoo the rug. Air the place out.