advice needed: confused, hurt, and not sure what to do

[sunflwr23]

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Things were going great. We had been together almost a year and had been talking about settling down and a future together. Next year we were going to be long distance and he was tossing around the idea of going on a break cause he wasn't sure if he was ready to settle down, but he wanted to stay with me and have a future with me.

He bought me a diamond necklace for christmas and I thought it meant he was accepting how serious things were. We came back from break and things were ok. We had some arguments about plans and miscommunication and one night he just got scared and said he wished we could skip the next 2 years cause he didn't see long distance working out. Promised me we were going to be ok and make it through this. He said he loved me and just got scared. 2 days later he broke up with me. In between he acted like things were normal sending me sweet texts. He imed that day discussing a misunderstanding and and saying he didn't want to break up but he was scared it was going to come to that but he really wanted this to work and that he loved me. His friends talked with him and they told me they were as shocked as I was cause 2 hrs before he told them he wasn't ending it he just wanted to talk with me about things that were bothering him.

I gave him some space but when we've discussed things he says something different each time. (He has too much on his plate, we want 2 different things, we both have too strong personalities, we argue a lot, he wants to be single, a bunch of little things were bothering him and they all came out at once) He says he's enjoying being single cause he has freedom with his time and not having an emotional commitment on top of everything else. We discussed some things that if said would have led to a very different situation. He isn't planning on dating anyone else for another year cause it's why he said he ended it to me (although he tells people we argued too much). He said he doesn't want anything until he has a job and knows where he will be. He could see coming back to this but probably not cause where will I be in a year or 2. He said he misses me here and there and just keeps busy, but he isn't considering anything anymore. He said he thought it through beforehand enough.

Did he ever even love me? Is there hope that we could get back together? Is he just scared? How can he make up his mind in 2 hrs or 2 days? What should I do? Give it time? Forget about him? I really love him and want this to work. I don't think long distance will be like he thinks it's going to be.

[misombra]

almost a year and you two argue a lot is not a good sign. two years is a long time and many things can change. he'd probably meet somebody wherever he's going.

perhaps upon his return if you're still around and he wants to get with you again that will be possible.

i say move on with your life. find somebody you're more compatible with. somebody who would wait forever to be with you.

[sunflwr23]

Thank you so much for your advice!

I just want to clarify the arguing statement: his view of arguing a lot was maybe having about one-two disagreements a month.

Also i am the one leaving to go to another graduate school, while he finishes a year of grad school where we are during which he plans to not date anyone.

[misombra]

i say just let him go for now. if it's meant to me he'll come back. you'll be meeting a lot of new people in grad school and your life will change.

[Gigabitch]

How can you possibly question this guy's feelings for you? They're plain as day to me- he does love you.

That's not the salient point, here, though. Even if you believed in his feelings for you, how could you possibly think that they could ever be enough to hold you together for two years of LDR? he's right to be concerned about this and he's only trying to save the both of you from excruciating slow death and heartbreak.

It must be so frustrating for him to try to talk to you about these things. You keep focusing on the wrong issue. Agreed, he does seem to be thinking out loud and you're having to see his entire process up close, but would you really rather he thought all of this through without even talking to you about it and just gave you the final decision? He's trying to have a really important conversation with you and you aren't participating.