Girlfriend catching up with male friends

[Confused_Boy]

Hi,

My scenario goes something like this. My girlfriend has some male friends that will ask her to catch up, for coffee, or drinks, or drinks and dinner, just the male friend and her. My understanding is that generally the way my girlfriend and these guys became friends in first place is because the guy asked her out at some stage, she said no, but then suggested that they be friends instead.

Anyway when she catches up with these guys for coffee, or drinks, it kind of gets to me, stresses me out, makes me grumpy and feel down about myself, which effects the relationship I have with my girlfriend, because when she gets home from being out with these guys I’m generally in quite a negative and grumpy mood, and I’m not a particularly nice person to be cohabiting with, so an argument between myself and girlfriend usually occurs.

In the argument my girlfriend will say things like “what do you want me to do, I’m not going to stop being friends with them”, and “I’m not trying to hurt you”, and I believe what she tells me, and I don’t know what I want her to do. I know that I don’t want to stop her from enjoying herself, and seeing her friends, but then at the same time, I don’t want to be feeling crap as a result of that fact that she is hanging out with these guys.

I’ve spent sometime trying understand why I feel the way I do, and I thought I had it worked out, but then I went to tell my girlfriend what seemed to make sense in my head, suddenly made no sense to me. I’ve told my girlfriend that I’m not angry at her, and I want to explain what causes me to feel the way I feel, but I don’t know how.

I think the reasons behind the way I feel is a mixture of the following:

1. The first thoughts these guys had regarding my girlfriend were romantic thoughts, and hence that’s why back in the day they asked her out. I’m not totally convinced that once a male has the hots for a girl that he totally gets over it, even if she rejects him, I can’t help but think that these guys, as crazy as it might sound, think that one day that they might have a chance to be more than just friends with my girlfriend, even though they may currently have a girlfriend. This is based on they way I’ve seen the majority of my male friends behave around a female friend that we all went to uni with. Some of them are engaged or married, but I sense if they had they chance they would love to take the friendship with this girl beyond the “just friends” phase.

2. It feels to me like these male friends have no respect for the relationship that my girlfriend and I have. I have female friends that have boyfriends and are in similar relationships to the relationship that I have with my girlfriend. I would never consider ringing these females friends up and asking “hey do you want to go out for dinner and drinks tomorrow night, just you and me?”. To me it would just seem like I didn’t even care that they had a boyfriend, and that the relationship they have isn’t important. If I was going to ring up one of my female friends I would say “hey do you and your boyfriend want to catch up with me, and we can have drinks and dinner”, and I think that is the respectful way to acknowledge that they have a relationship and that I think their relationship is valid and important. It also gives the boyfriend the opportunity to decline the offer to catchup, without feeling excluded. He could say to the girlfriend “nah I don’t want to go, but I don’t mind if you go”, and then it doesn't feels like someone is trying to undermine the relationship they have.

3. When my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, she continued to live with me for about six months and then moved out across the road for another six months. While she was still living with me she would be going out with others guys into all hours of the night, and me being completely heartbroken from being dumped would lie awake in bed all night freaking out about the situation. So maybe these feelings are result of that past situation?

4. Before I even knew my girlfriend, she had sex with one of her male friends, apparently because he was a virgin and had confidence issues, or problems with keeping it up or something along those lines, and she wanted to help him, so she let him have sex with her. By the way, I’m not suspect about this guy, the story seems to add up, and plus he isn’t ringing my girlfriend up every week to ask if they can catchup. But it does get me thinking if she was willing to let him have sex with her, what is the limit of what is considered okay for friends to be doing?

I guess what I’m wondering, does anyone else experience this kind of situation, and if so how does it make you feel, and how do you deal with it?

Also is anyone able to explain to me the way I’m feeling, in a way that my girlfriend might be able to understand. Because I think at the moment, she is kind of feeling like I want to stop her from hanging out with anyone and that I want her to only spend time with me, which is totally not the case. I don’t want to stop her from doing anything, I’m just suspect about these guys.

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MavViper]

why dont you ask your girlfriend if you can meet them. Tell her that a friend of hers should be a friend of yours too and that you wouldnt mind getting to know them. If she says no or refuses, I would kinda be suspicious.

Also the part about having sex with her male friend to help him out is a big red flag to me. If he had confidence issues or had problems getting it up or any kind of problem, having sex with her wouldn't fix it or anything. If he had confidence issues, then certainly having sex with a friend isn't going to fix that either.

The whole thing is kind of fishy to me. What I suggest you do is tell your girlfriend that you would like to get to know her friends more and you would love to go along with them next time or suggest a time and day for you, her, and one of her friends to go out.

[Brooklyn Rose]

My boyfriend has A LOT of female friends that I am uncomfortable with. He hasn't hung out with any of them in a while (he is not a hanging out type) but they call him and text message him all the time when we are together (not knowing we are even together).
My boyfriend and I argue all the time over this because I would like him to leave his past in his past when it comes to being friends with his exes or those who he was better off not dating but "just being friends with".
If this makes you uncomfortable and she is not going to change, things will simply get worse and you will feel less and less like you are enough for her in this relationship. I don't feel like I will ever be enough for my guy - that he will require all these other friendships with women no matter how much I am there for him.
If talking to your girlfriend hasn't made her understand your point of view, think about the long run - and how she is showing respect for you and that which makes YOU feel horrible.
If she cannot be understanding and claims you are making a big deal out of nothing, then she doesn't value your feelings or worth. Good luck!
~Rose

[Gigabitch]

Coffee is one thing (in public, not at the guy's house), drinks and dinner are another. She's acting inappropriately, in my opinion, and she has a very unclear idea of the definition of "friends". For starters, friends don't pass out mercy ****s to insecure virgins. That's an emotionally irresponsible thing to do. It sounds to me like she's keeping a lot of guys on the back burner.

I have male friends. I enjoy having them in my life. I would never let a single one of them take me out for dinner because that's a date meal.

She's trying to make this into a YOU problem. It's not.

[carl1222]

I'm not sure I agree with you Giga ... Unless she does something to encourage their "romantic" interest or fails to cut them off if they pursue it knowing she is in a relationship, I don't see anything wrong with maintaining a friendship with someone of the opposite sex for coffee, drinks or even dinner.

OP gives no indication that she is anything less than trustworty.

Carl.

[Mish]

1. The first thoughts these guys had regarding my girlfriend were romantic thoughts, and hence that’s why back in the day they asked her out. I’m not totally convinced that once a male has the hots for a girl that he totally gets over it, even if she rejects him, I can’t help but think that these guys, as crazy as it might sound, think that one day that they might have a chance to be more than just friends with my girlfriend, even though they may currently have a girlfriend.

It may not be as bad as you think, but you are right to a certain extent. This could be balancing on the edge of emotional affair. I think it's very inappropriate to have dinners with people romantically interested in the person while in an exclusive relationship.

I think you have a right to ask your gf to stop this due to obvious inappropriateness. This is a little bit more than simple friendship. You can show her articles on emotional infidelity if there is Resistance, but be ready that you may need to let her go if she doesn't budge on the issue.

[carl1222]

It may not be as bad as you think, but you are right to a certain extent. This could be balancing on the edge of emotional affair. I think it's very inappropriate to have dinners with people romantically interested in the person while in an exclusive relationship.

I think you have a right to ask your gf to stop this due to obvious inappropriateness. This is a little bit more than simple friendship. You can show her articles on emotional infidelity if there is Resistance, but be ready that you may need to let her go if she doesn't budge on the issue.

I agree with Mishanya but for a completely different reason. Unless you believe she might form an emotional attraction with one of these friends, she's not doing anything wrong with respect to YOU. But if she truly does not think of one of them "that way" yet continues the friendship knowing he has romantic feelings for her, then she is doing wrong with respect to HIM. So she should let him go for his own good.

If her heart is going to wander, it will wander. You can't keep her by keeping her in a cage or trying to isolate her from any contact with a man who may have been interested in her back then when she was single. Of course, if you have any real indication that she is in any way encouraging romantic interest, if he is still trying to pursue her romantically, or if she has ever been romantically involved with one of them, then Mishanya is completely right ... she should stop it or you should break up.

Carl.

[lvguru]

I don't know. I have many male friends I see for coffee or dinner completely platonically. I think you should ask to meet them. It would be totally acceptable for a guy I was dating to ask that of me. If these are really just friends, you going with shouldn't be a problem.

[Joker]

I think you have nothing to worry about, but I can understand why it bothers you. I have a similar thing with my girlfriend: she has a lot of guys hitting on her and hangs round with some of them as they live nearby. This kinda bothers me as does her hanging round with some of my male friends, but I know this worry is unfounded.

Why?

Because I trust her: she's been hit on before and will openly tell me and how she turned them down (or beat them up once :s). I trust her not to cheat and if she did? Well obviously then she's not the kinda person I would want to be with and so it would be good i wouldn't be left with her...

[Doc Durian]

Meet them and spend time with them occasionally, functions, get togethers etc..

She has a right to be friends with males. You have a right to be secure about the friendship being purely plutonic.

[WillLoveforfood]

lol. The best way is to not get too worked up over it. If you start to become more an an annoyance than anything, it would push her out more. If you give her trust, then she will know who is there for her and who is just working her.

[Rollerderby]

Your concerns are valid, and your suggestions about wanting to meet her friends are too. If it's totally platonic, as she said, then why would there be an issue?

I love how you take the blame and say you're not a nice person to be cohabitating with, and so you start the argument. I don't know if you're being brainwashed to think you're wrong, or if you're really just a grouch, but maybe if you suck to live with, you shouldn't live with people? I know I like my personal space.

I think that your gf sounds like a prostitute who slept with her guy friend to help him with his confidence issues. That should be a pick-up line! "Oh, I'm really down, I have no confidence in bed, I suck what can I do about it?"

"Oh you poor baby, here, I'll sleep with you then you can feel better about yourself." lights go on, ding ding ding, we have a winner!

I would never sleep with a guy out of pity. I know a few girls who have slept with guys because they are virgins, and it's like doing their civic duty, but c'mon! I think it's totally direspectful to herself to do that.

If you want to meet her guy friends, do it. Don't take no for an answer. You need to see for yourself who is a potential threat. Any guy I was serious about would be allowed to meet my guy friends.

Maybe she's a call girl? Maybe they're trying the "i'm pathetic will you hold me?" pick up line too