cheated

[ello]

Hi there

My boyfriend and I were together for about two and a half years and moved in together quite soon. I am 24 and so is he. I was very busy in my last year at University and most of my time was devoted to my schooling.

One day I came home from school, and I received a call from my bf saying that he had won a trip in a contest and asked me if I wanted to go. I told him that I didn't know because I was so busy in school, etc, and he told me he needed to know right then because the company needed to put names on the plane tickets.
This started a foolish arguement that got out of hand and I was frustrated and told him "fine I am not going" basically and that was the end of the conversation. He told me when he got home that he had put his brothers name on the ticket, and I was upset. He hadn't even really discussed it with me, and I thought we would discuss it when he got home.

Anyway, we were both acting really stupid, and we fought really bad until the day before the trip. He discussed this with his mom because he really didnt want to take his brother and it made things worse. HIs mother said that he had take his brother, which i agree cause he asked him, and went on to say rude things like he didn't know what love was, he is too young, etc, and that he needed counselling. She also said alot of other things that really hurt me. I was furious at this point. I felt that this was really not thier business to discuss especially without me present, and the fighting got worse to the point I finally told him to get out and take his things.

I was angry because it was her idea just to take his brother and she actually invited him before he had the chance to talk to me about it. His brother said that if he didnt get to go he would be mad.This was a trip to a Spring Break party which I didnt really feel comfortable with him going in the first place, although I didnt think it would turn out to have such a terrible result. I really did trust him.

He ended up going and when he came back from his trip he came over and we talked. I felt terrible, and he said to me " I thought you didn't want to see me anymore." We talked and decided to work things out, but he was acting strange.

A few days later he confessed to me that he has slept with someone else. It was really hard for me to deal with, but I had a hard time for awhile, and I moved out. This was about a year ago.
He says that there are no excuses for what he did and I know that he is having a hard time with his too. He says that he feels that he has never been this low his entire life, and this is something that he is totally against, and he doesn't really know why he did this except that it happened only once, and he felt like he was liked at a time when he felt no one did, and he says that he really thought we were over.

I have had other relationships before for long periods of time and I was never as happy as I was with him. He always treated me like a princess, and we got along really well.

I am so confused. I am sure he has learned agreat leson from this, although I don't know if I can forgive and forget this. I know I acted terrible, and treated him badly as well. but I don't think that is an excuse (he says its not as well. ) What do I do! ilove him! Im not even sure if this is cheating.sorry for such a long message. If you need more detail please ask. It may be missing some detail cause I am trying to keep it as short as possible, so you can ask any questions.I am aware that my behaviour was bad as well. Please help me!

[RainbowKiss_83]

Hello, ello...

I'm gonna keep this very short and you can PM me if you want more advice or if you want me to zip my lip, but this situation sounds like it could turn out to be a very positive one. This guy seems to have learned his lesson. He knows how horrible he feels when he cheats and I can almost guarentee he won't cheat again. You seem more than willing to admit that it was you who pushed him away. So you both did wrong. You pushed, he left. Cause and effect. You want him back. he wants you back.

This is your life, not a democracy. For the love of God, take him back! lol You'll be happy and so will he. You have to forgive his cheating and move on. There is therapy for these types of things. From an outsider's point of view I can see how you might have really hurt his feelings. He wanted to take you, the one he loves, to some special place. I'm sure it's not often he gets the chance to do something like that and you rejected him. If he's willing to overlook that then you have to do the same.

I see major potential here, don't let him go or you'll regret it forever possibly.

[Nameless18]

Ask yourself this question. If u were never to see him again, wld u regret it? if u do then i would advise you to patch things back up with him. Although it would seem hard, isnt it better then losing him? my motto is to "Do things without regret" and it has helped me alot. things outta b tot carefully and choose ur best plan before actions. like rainbowkiss had mentioned, if u let him go u'll regret it forever. if u do love him then no matter wad happens u wld still love him. u wun like to see him in e arms of another woman wld u? e chance is given to u and if u dun take it u will lose it. u hv 2 choices. 1.forget him and find another man. 2.Patch things up wif e man tt made u happiest and a princess. go figure. =)

[sfalexi]

Ask yourself this question. If u were never to see him again, wld u regret it?

She can't ask herself this question because she doesn't KNOW what's in store for her in the future. She could very well meet someone just as nice as him (maybe nicer) in the future and be GLAD that she didn't stay with him. But up UNTIL meeting this person maybe she would regret it. You don't know. Which sucks, but it's true. YOu just never know. He may have learned a lesson (as Rainbow points out), but then again you never KNOW if he'll do it again. He did it once. And I bet you didn't think it would happen a first time. And you now know that he has the capacity and DOESN"T have the willpower to turn it down should temptation be strong. Do you think he will be tempted again? Do you think you can watch him 24/7? Do you think you'll be able to be in a relationship where you're questioning what he did at a friend's party or why he's an hour late from work or just why didn't he walk away? If he felt tempted, why didn't he think about YOU and say, "I can't do this." and just walk away?

He knows how horrible he feels when he cheats and I can almost guarentee he won't cheat again.

You can't guarentee ANY such thing!!!!!

From an outsider's point of view I can see how you might have really hurt his feelings. He wanted to take you, the one he loves, to some special place. I'm sure it's not often he gets the chance to do something like that and you rejected him. If he's willing to overlook that then you have to do the same.

I disagree. I don't hold "No I can't go because I am busy with school and don't want to have to make a 'snap' decision" on the same level as "I slept with another woman." I do not believe that if he's willing to overlook her decision to dedicate her time to school and not take the chance of messing up that she HAS to overlook the fact that he decided to romp in the sack with some other woman.

You have to forgive his cheating and move on.

Or she can look for a man who DOESN'T cheat and is strong enough to resist temptation when their faced with it. I know if MY girlfriend ever so much as made out with another guy, I'd hit the road. Because if she's willing to make out, she's willing to do more. And I know there are girls out there who would NOT do while in a relationship.

I say let him go. It was wrong. He COULD have avoided it. He just CHOSE not to. It's not like they FORCED him to keep talking to her when he thought of what it might be like to run his hands over her body. It's not like they FORCED him to ask her to his room. It's not like he was FORCED to take his clothes off and hop into bed with her.

At ANY point during meeting her he easily could have said, "I better stop this before it goes too far. I know the temptation is there, but for ____'s sake, I better make sure I don't." But he didn't stop.

Rod Steele

[RainbowKiss_83]

Wow I'm impressed...I thought I'd have to die first before I met the son of God aka the perfect man. lol

[jslaughter]

You know Rod is tough but he's fair . . . there's plenty of men out there that don't cheat. Why would you sell yourself short and settle for one who does? Yes, perhaps he learned his lesson but what if it takes another learning experience to drive the point home - do you really want to go through all that again?

[jslaughter]

Wow I'm impressed...I thought I'd have to die first before I met the son of God aka the perfect man. lol

Girl, if you see him let me know!

[sfalexi]

Wow I'm impressed...I thought I'd have to die first before I met the son of God aka the perfect man. lol

If all it takes is someone to not cheat to be your idea of perfect, then you must be a really easy one to please.

No. There is no such thing as a perfect man/woman. But why choose "adultery" to be one of the flaws that you 'live with'? I wouldn't mind if they argued with me over something. I wouldn't mind if she wanted a cat and I wanted a dog. I wouldn't mind if she was bad with money (well, I would mind if she was REALLY bad!) I wouldn't mind if she drank a lot (within a certain extent). But I WOULD mind to know that she went behind my back and was hot and sweaty in all sorts of positions yelling, "**** me! **** me!" or whatever else with some other guy when she was supposed to be monogamous with me.

"We get to choose who we let into our wierd little worlds. You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she's not perfect either. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other." - Good Will Hunting

Is this YOU'RE perfect man? Would YOUR perfect man do this to you?

Rod Steele

[BillyGalbreath]

God damn alexi has done it again - You just solved one of my little problems without me ever having to ask it - lmao

that quote from Good Will Hunting. Perfect. Thanks

[Bonovox40]

I agree with Alexi. If you don't care about not knowing wether or not he will cheat again, then by all means, stay with him. But remember that by doing so you ACCEPT that he has performed that action thus letting him know that perhaps that mistake will be forgivable AGAIN in the future. It's up to you to decide where to take this, but it's up to HIM if he chooses to be unfaithful. You can't control that but at least you KNOW that he has shown he is capable and willing to perform such a feat.

Speaking of cheating, has anyone heard about those male vole rats (I think that's the species) that were given gene therapy into their brains? Scientists found that by injecting a specific gene particle into the brain that their instinctual behavior to breed with any female was rejected and they adopted a lifestyle of a smililar rat who chooses only one mate. They also appeared to spend more time with the chosen female instead of wandering around "checking out" other females.

On the radio, some women callers were asking when it would be available for male human use. I say, when will it be available for women to take! (but of course most guys need a shot right between the eyes too!)

[jslaughter]

Speaking of cheating, has anyone heard about those male vole rats (I think that's the species) that were given gene therapy into their brains? Scientists found that by injecting a specific gene particle into the brain that their instinctual behavior to breed with any female was rejected and they adopted a lifestyle of a smililar rat who chooses only one mate. They also appeared to spend more time with the chosen female instead of wandering around "checking out" other females.

That's just like the stuff from the Alien Nation TV show - there was some drug that a pair could take that would keep them bonded for life!

When life imitates "art" . . .

[Bonovox40]

That's just like the stuff from the Alien Nation TV show - there was some drug that a pair could take that would keep them bonded for life!

When life imitates "art" . . .

I think it's possible for it to become mainstream after X years of testing for human use, but then why would guys want to take something that basically says "I'm capable of cheating, therefore I must turn to chemical dependancy to prevent me from acting out my urges because I am not human enough to control myself."

Commercial idea:
"So, your lady got you on that new Whip-atrol drug? Looks like no more stag parties for you!."

"Whip-atrol. Crack the whip on those studs straying from your herd. *Crack!*"

[ello]

yeah, see i seem to get all types of advice. His friends seem to think I am to blame, mine seem to think he is. I don't reallly know what to do about it. Cause I am confused about the whole situation.

[nendo]

well realy he is the one to blame. he was the one that slept with someon else not u. so wah if u had an argueement it doesn't justify him cheating on u. its kinda a sticky situation realy because there 3 ways it could turn out.
1 u could get back together and everything is fine again.
2 u could get back together, this will make him think hes gotten away with it once he could do it again. in that case just leave him. he aint worth it.from wah u'v said i don't think this is the case
3 u could split up for good and probably neer see him again.

i'd say go for number 1 because 2 is probably very unlikly and if u love him its a hard thing to do.

all what people have said is advice. in the end u have to make the chose. but advice can make u see the right thing to do

[sfalexi]

I think it's possible for it to become mainstream after X years of testing for human use, but then why would guys want to take something that basically says "I'm capable of cheating, therefore I must turn to chemical dependancy to prevent me from acting out my urges because I am not human enough to control myself."

Why is someone going to do it? Because women (who will go on ****ing power trips) will start yelling out, "THE ONLY REASON YOU DON"T WANT TO TAKE IT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING!!!! BOO HOO HOO!!!! IF YOU DON'T TAKE THIS DRUG I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE PLANNING ON BEING UNFAITHFUL!!!!"

**** it. If I'm gonna take it, they're gonna do whatever I want. Anal, get their tubes tied, WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

Rod Steele