I really need some advice!!!! PLEASE

[peachtree71]

OK, here is my problem: This is hard to explain but bear with me!!

My husband recently (within the last 2 months or so) has been re-connecting with people from his past via Facebook. He started talking via phone, IM and text message to one of his old freinds (who happens to be a woman) on a daily basis. She lives in OR and us in TN). Our cell phone bill from 1/6 thru 2/6 shows that he and she texted each other a total of 1295. 1295???? And there was also 76 PICTURE messages sent between them (granted could have been jokes but still.....) They also talked a total of 586 minutes in that month's time. Each time they talked I was not around. WTF? He swears up and down that they are JUST friends but something deep down inside me tells me different. Dont get me wrong, he has NEVER given me any reason to not trust him but I don't.

I confronted him about her back in mid-February when he would not let me see his cell phone. I asked him if he was talking or texting another girl and he said "Yes I am because she will listen to me when you won't".....At that point he told me that he did not even know if he was IN love with me anymore....Needless to say that night I called this other girl. She told me pretty much the same thing he did - that NOTHING bad was being said in text or on phone - She said they just had alot of reminising to do - It has been over 20 years.

I am guilty of going into his e-mails, his Facebook account, and looking at the cell phone records online. I am SO ashamed for doing it but I am so worried that he is cheating (whether emotional cheating) or not.

Oh, I should let you know that he has not talked on the phone or text the other girl since the blow up between us. He still chats with her at work and he told me that straight up. He also said that she has been married for 20 years and they just rant to each other.

Now, there is the background - I am driving myself insane by making things up in my head....Is there any advice out there to help me thru this?

I asked him last night if he was TRULY happy and if he loved me and without hesitation he said "yes, of course I do"..........

Should I just calm the hell down or do you think I have something to worry about? It pissmes me off to think that he and another woman may have been talking more than just friends.

Thanks to everyone in advance!

[Anomaly]

Well, that is definitely a lot of TXT messages no matter how long they have known each other. I have the same type of personality, and I would probably be concerned as well. But, since they have been friends for such a long time, maybe they just have a lot of catching up to do. Especially since you confronted him and he says that he still loves you, maybe there isn't anything to really worry about. The important thing is that you are both open about the entire situation. I would just lay back a while longer and see if any of this escalates to something more. But most likely they are just friends catching up, and since he says there is nothing to worry about, and she says the same, odds are that its nothing more serious than a close friendship. Those are the exact same reasons why I probably have not been in a relationship in such a long time, I tend to worry about these types of things as well. But just try to stay strong, and after a while they might run out of things to talk about and he will realize that he'd rather send you TXT's instead!

I hope that things work out for the both of you, and I wish you the best of luck!

[vashti]

How old is your husband, anyway? That's a lot of time for a grown man to spend acting like a teenager. Is he a little on the immature side in general?

(And yes, I think his behavior is inappropriate, and would be a big problem for me if it happened again.)

[peachtree71]

Thanks to both of you - My husband is 40 and I am 37. No, he never acts immature in general. Like I said before, the text messaging and talking on the phone have stopped BUT he still chats with her while he is at work. That in itself is driving me insane!!! I don't know how to deal with it....

[vashti]

You can call her home to "introduce yourself" under the guise of becoming friends as couples, and jokingly ask her husband (directly) if he minds his wife spending so much time talking to another man.

I bet he would.

[Indignant]

show your phone bills to HER husband and ask him to keep his woman in check and out of your life.

[Indignant]

install a keylogger on his coomputer and then confront him with REAL evidence.

[url]http://www.cnet.com/topic/keylogger.html[/url]

[GemStar]

That's a lot of messages but... I used to do that at work and with a female friend who has been just that since we were 15-16. I would txt back and forth with my friends probably sometimes 50-100 in a shift. So I guess if you took 50 times 25 workdays... That's about 1250. Good thing it was a company phone! Lol!

But I digress... I can also relate to what you're saying and let me tell you why. I have recently, in the last 6 months, accused my significant other of all sorts of horrible things. I'm surprised she wants to talk to me at all anymore. I've said way worse things than you seem to have said. I eventually decided that I'm just crazy because she is being totally honest and true.

I had a really bad GF way back when who lied to me about all kinds of things and it gave me this subconscious distrust of all females from then on. So I had to realize it was all in my head this time... It might be the same in your instance.

[peachtree71]

It won't do any good installing a keylogger on my computer at home - He ONLY talks to her when he is at work and he knows computers in and out and does clean ups on ours at home once a week or so, so he would probably find the keylogger.....The thing is he TOLD me that he chats with her.....If something was going on wouldn't he have lied and said no? My mind is so wishy washy....UGHHH

[peachtree71]

That's a lot of messages but... I used to do that at work and with a female friend who has been just that since we were 15-16. I would txt back and forth with my friends probably sometimes 50-100 in a shift. So I guess if you took 50 times 25 workdays... That's about 1250. Good thing it was a company phone! Lol!

But I digress... I can also relate to what you're saying and let me tell you why. I have recently, in the last 6 months, accused my significant other of all sorts of horrible things. I'm surprised she wants to talk to me at all anymore. I've said way worse things than you seem to have said. I eventually decided that I'm just crazy because she is being totally honest and true.

I had a really bad GF way back when who lied to me about all kinds of things and it gave me this subconscious distrust of all females from then on. So I had to realize it was all in my head this time... It might be the same in your instance.

Gemstar, thank you SO much for your reply too - Just knowing that their ARE really men out there that can talk to other females without anything happening makes me feel a tiny bit better.....I know that but it feels good to hear it ya know? I just wish I could get over the fact of him talking to her.....If this continues, I am going to push him so far away he won't come back but I can NOT make myself stop.........

[Prodigal]

What appears evident to me here is that there is a trust issue. Did this looking at his e-mails start after said incident or before? If after, I can understand but it still shows a lack of trust. But he is also being secretive about what he's doing. If it wasn't an issue, why wouldn't he just say he's been talking to his friend when you asked him?

I don't blame you for being suspicious. This situation does seem fishy without knowing more. It would be better for him to just lay it down if he has nothing to hide.

I'd talk to him again, but be less confrontational about it. I would stress to him that if he has nothing to hide, then why hide it? On your part, I would stop snooping around his stuff. That would REALLY piss me off, even if I was doing something bad (which I wouldn't). If he figured that out, he has more merit to get angry than you do.

But I'd say just talk to him about it, and try to be as civilized as possible and try not to act out in emotional outrage (even though you may justifiable feel outraged). Communication is key in relationships, and better communication comes through approach.

[peachtree71]

What appears evident to me here is that there is a trust issue. Did this looking at his e-mails start after said incident or before? If after, I can understand but it still shows a lack of trust. But he is also being secretive about what he's doing. If it wasn't an issue, why wouldn't he just say he's been talking to his friend when you asked him?

I don't blame you for being suspicious. This situation does seem fishy without knowing more. It would be better for him to just lay it down if he has nothing to hide.

I'd talk to him again, but be less confrontational about it. I would stress to him that if he has nothing to hide, then why hide it? On your part, I would stop snooping around his stuff. That would REALLY piss me off, even if I was doing something bad (which I wouldn't). If he figured that out, he has more merit to get angry than you do.

But I'd say just talk to him about it, and try to be as civilized as possible and try not to act out in emotional outrage (even though you may justifiable feel outraged). Communication is key in relationships, and better communication comes through approach.

Prdigal, the snooping started after he told me about her the morning we initially had the confrontation.....He said that he and she had been texting, IM'ing and talking on the phone and she was giving him advice from a womans point of view and of course catching up for the past 20 years. Like I said the ONLY communication they have to each other now is over Yahoo chat and he doesn't do that at home ONLY at work.....

When I asked if he was still talking with her (after the blow up) he told me straight up "Yes, once or twice a day maybe"......If something was going on wouldn't he have lied and said no?
I have NOT found any proof that anything is going on....Like I said before, he does not give any of the "cheating" signs.......

As far as talking to him about it, he is sick of hearing about it. I have brought it up so many times and every single time he says he has not done anything wrong. I can see why he would get mad - Hell, if someone were accusing me over and over I would get pissed too.....I am afraid to bring it up again but it is eating me from the inside out ya know?

But then on the other hand, he could tell me that he stopped chatting with her and I would never know.....Maybe he is being truthful - Honestly he is not the "lying" type. He is a very honorable man - Maybe I am just creating all of these unreasonable scenerios in my own head........He says they are ONLY friends.

God, I just want the thoughts to stop!!!!

[Prodigal]

So what is there to worry about then? Even married people need friends of the opposite sex sometimes. Like he said, she gives him a woman's perspective on things (and she's a third party). I wouldn't worry about it.

[Gigabitch]

Look, peachtree, most men, even the 40-year-old ones, have a pretty short attention span. Just let him get bored with it.

Yes, I agree that what he's doing is objectionable, but you've said that he's never given you a reason not to trust him, and for that, you have to give him a little bit of slack.

That being said, I advise you to watch him like a hawk. He's in the range of mid-life crisis age, and that can be dangerous. If he has to go out of town on "business" anytime soon, I'd be really suspicious.