Falling out of love?

[Er' Gordito]

Hello There!

Very soon my wife and I will be turning ten years married. Things have changed a lot since then, thus, we are both very frustrated, sad, and drained. I met my wife, as I mentioned earlier, ten years ago. At the time, I was very lonely. Not to mention that I have never been the cassanova type of guy. We started dating and decided to marry a year after. Sometime during the fourth or fifth year our sex life declined and it continued to declined gradually to the point where sex was not part of our lives anymore.

Unlike most men in this forum, the problem was basically me. As I said before, our sex life declined, then my attention started to focus towards other woman. It kinda bothered me because I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help to appreciate the beauty on other girls. Honestly, I never cheated on my wife and as of today I have not traspassed that line, even though I crave for raunchy/crazy/wild sex. However, I'm finding myself very unhappy and so does she. She's a very sexual woman, but I can't fake it. When we were on bed, my penis would just shrink. And is that I can have sex if I'm not into that person. I'm afraid to tell her because this would hurt her very much. In Addition, we have a year old baby boy and I honestly feel that my life is over. I can't find myself leaving them, but we have become roomates. I lust other woman and for the life of me I wish I could feel the same for her. We have tried counseling, tricks, toys, oils, you name it we have done it. However, nothing has worked.

I guess my question is this. Is it possible to regain the lost love and sex drive you once had for your spouse? Keep in mind that I'm 45 and she's 41. Not that matters, but is to clear any questions in reagrds of immaturity...........any feedback would be appreciated.


Many regards!

[vashti]

Many men your age experience reduced libido, even if they are crazy about their wife. Are you sure this isn't a physiological problem? Because reduced libido could probably be fixed with viagara. Alternately, you could be having some vascular problems, such as hypertension or diabetes.

It's not clear to me which came first: the lack of sex (which could cause depression) or the depression (which could cause low libido).

Also, are you taking any medications?

[Er' Gordito]

Many men your age experience reduced libido, even if they are crazy about their wife. Are you sure this isn't a physiological problem? Because this could probably be fixed with viagara.

Hello Vashti!


I'm possitive that it is not a physiological problem on my part. I get erections almost everyday. In fact, lately I have to mansturbate just I so can get it out and have some sort of relieve and can concentrate in whatever it is that I'm doing. I can't believe I'm saying this, but kissing her does not turn me on anymore. It's more like kissing my aunt or something. I'm crushed by this situation, and she's equally affected by it.

[vashti]

Why, then? What has changed? Her appearance... her behavior?

[Er' Gordito]

Why, then? What has changed? Her appearance... her behavior?

Well, obviously her physical appearance has changed in the last ten years just the same way mine has. But oftenly I read how many men have trouble with their wife because of the lack of sex on the wife's part. However, my case is reversed. It's me who does not feel anything remotely arousing about her. I feel like I love her, but not the way a man is supposed to love a woman.

[vashti]

Well, after 10 years of marriage, you certainly aren't going to be feeling butterflies anymore. You weren't thinking you SHOULD, were you?

[Er' Gordito]

Well, after 10 years of marriage, you certainly aren't going to be feeling butterflies anymore. You weren't thinking you SHOULD, were you?

Certainly not, however, we have a relationship that is far away from normal. Two years without sex, in my opinion and in the opinion of most, goes beyond the butterflies and the normalcy of a relationship of this lenght. I feel that it is just a matter of time until I cave into temptation.......and that is not fun at all.

[vashti]

I'm not sure what you asking here, and it doesn't sound to me like you know what is "normal". You admit the problem is yours and that your wife is a willing partner, and then act like your "raunchy/crazy/wild sex drive" will somehow force you to cheat. If you don't want to cheat, then don't - it's really that simple.

Are you really wanting to know if you should divorce your wife? Because if that is what you are asking, I would say not unless you have explored every possible way to fix your problem. You have a baby at home, and your feelings are supposed to be secondary now.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing the stereotypical mid life crisis, which is what happens when people aren't handling the aging process well. Why don't you do what most of the mid-life men I know do, and start training for a marathon so you can prove your virility to yourself? Or buy a sports car.

[Indignant]

i think that you need to sign her up for salsa lessons at least a couple of times a week. stay home with the baby while she gets her groove on. when she comes back home after moving her hips for an hour, she'll be all hot and horny for you and I am sure that you will see her in a different light.

[Er' Gordito]

I'm not sure what you asking here, and it doesn't sound to me like you know what is "normal". You admit the problem is yours and that your wife is a willing partner, and then act like your "raunchy/crazy/wild sex drive" will somehow force you to cheat. If you don't want to cheat, then don't - it's really that simple.

Are you really wanting to know if you should divorce your wife? Because if that is what you are asking, I would say not unless you have explored every possible way to fix your problem. You have a baby at home, and your feelings are supposed to be secondary now.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing the stereotypical mid life crisis, which is what happens when people aren't handling the aging process well. Why don't you do what most of the mid-life men I know do, and start training for a marathon so you can prove your virility to yourself? Or buy a sports car.

First of all, I'm simply displaying my struggle. It has been five or six years since it all started. In the last six years, we have tried just about anything in the world and nothing. I have not cheated, but I thought I explained it in my first post. Second, I do work out everyday. When I said I tried everything, I meant it. Mid-life crisis? Well, I thank you for your perspective I will look into that.

[Er' Gordito]

i think that you need to sign her up for salsa lessons at least a couple of times a week. stay home with the baby while she gets her groove on. when she comes back home after moving her hips for an hour, she'll be all hot and horny for you and I am sure that you will see her in a different light.

Thanks Indignant......I certainly feel that if she looked better, maybe things would be a lot different. However, the vanity within women is something not to mess with. The last thing I need to do is to reminder her that does not look good. I know that will affect her ego, and she might start putting things in her head. I do not want her to feel offended, but I do remember those days when she looked so sexy........gosh (sigh)

Thanks a lot.

[Indignant]

Thanks Indignant......I certainly feel that if she looked better, maybe things would be a lot different. However, the vanity within women is something not to mess with. The last thing I need to do is to reminder her that does not look good. I know that will affect her ego, and she might start putting things in her head. I do not want her to feel offended, but I do remember those days when she looked so sexy........gosh (sigh)

Thanks a lot.

try having a talk with her best girlfriend. she might listen if it comes from a female. get her a certificate to a beauty salon. talk to her mother. the opportunities are endless nowadays.

[vashti]

Unlike most men in this forum, the problem was basically me.

Yes, THIS sounds like truth, and based on this statement, I was given the impression that the problem was YOU, not her. So now you want to say that really the problem is her?

Keep in mind that I'm 45 and she's 41....

Well, obviously her physical appearance has changed in the last ten years just the same way mine has....

I certainly feel that if she looked better, maybe things would be a lot different.

So what is your issue? Post-baby weight? Drooping breasts? Wrinkles? Or is your issue really more that she isn't 30 anymore?

I have not cheated, but I thought I explained it in my first post.

No, but you DID say this:

I feel that it is just a matter of time until I cave into temptation.......

Second, I do work out everyday.

I guess you just completely missed the point of the marathon running suggestion.

[GemStar]

Hey, what's up Gordito. I've had a similar problem before although I'm not married. Is this purely a sexual problem or are there other issues at play? You say you have a year old baby boy. Are either of you getting less attention because of this? Maybe it's something to be aware of.

I would never advocate anyone to do this of course, officially, and this may be totally not part of your lifestyle... But sometimes, a hit of pot will fix that problem downstairs real quick. LOL. Or Viagra might be an option. I personally should never drink because I always drink too much... But I know, of course, that having a few drinks with someone lowers the ol' inhibitions, if you're a person who can handle alcohol without becoming addicted.

I think sometimes solutions are psychological, sometimes physical, sometimes to do with people's actual relationship. Some people would scorn my suggestions with the drugs but sometimes, stuff like that works great. I have medications for ADHD and anxiety that do me wonders. So while I try not to take stuff like that recreationally, they are on this Earth to use wisely. Good luck, bro.