boyfriend jealous of best friend/ ex

[pinkpolkadot]

so my relationship is on the rocks right now basically because my boyfriend is jealous of my relationship with my best friend, who also happens to be my ex.

the ex and i started dating four years ago, and broke up one year ago. we're still really close friends, best friends. and now my boyfriend, of three months, is mad because he feels that i spend too much time with my best friend. we work at the same place, but we only have one shift a week together, he drives me to and from the metro when i need to go to school, and i'll hang out with him once or twice a week. is that really too much?

also, i can't exactly spend a lot of time with my boyfriend as he is stationed at BAFB in DC and i live about an hour away from that, plus it's DC so there is a lot of traffic. so it takes him a good chunk of time. and by the time he gets here it's 6-6:30 and he has to leave by 9:30-10 cause he'll have work in the AM.

how am i supposed to solve this without hurting either party?

[carl1222]

Is your ex single?

When (times) and where do you hang out with him once or twice a week?

If your ex is such a great friend, why aren't you still together? Have you and your ex been intimate since the breakup? If so, how long ago?

The answers to these questions will determine if your new boyfriend has good reason to be worried even if it is all innocent.

Carl.

[pinkpolkadot]

Is your ex single?

When (times) and where do you hang out with him once or twice a week?

If your ex is such a great friend, why aren't you still together? Have you and your ex been intimate since the breakup? If so, how long ago?

The answers to these questions will determine if your new boyfriend has good reason to be worried even if it is all innocent.

Carl.

We hang out for an hour tuesday/ thursday nights after I get home from school. And a random Friday night here and there.

We're not together cause he would start fights about nothing everyday, and in my heart I felt he's not the one for me. And no we've not been intimate since the break up.

I'm not the type of person to put my time into a relationship if I'm just going to **** around with someone else. I love my boyfriend, and I love being intimate with him and only him. I would not do anything with my best friend to endanger my relationship with my boyfriend. If I just wanted to do that, I wouldn't have a boyfriend.

[carl1222]

Alright ... that's not so bad ... clean break a year ago, no regrets, no sexual attraction, really into your boyfriend.

Sounds innocent to me, but it's all about perception. To be sensitive to your boyfriend's natural insecurity about the situation, you might want to modify a few things:

1) Stop meeting your ex on Friday (or Saturday) nights.

2) If you are meeting your ex during the week, do it in public.

3) If your ex has a girlfriend, arrange for the four of you to get together sometime.

4) Because your time with your boyfriend is limited, never blow him off to be with your ex.

Just remember ... no matter who you are with, your closeness to a long time ex-boyfriend will make him nervous. Your new boyfriend is not acting like a jealous psycho.

Carl.

[pinkpolkadot]

Alright ... that's not so bad ... clean break a year ago, no regrets, no sexual attraction, really into your boyfriend.

Sounds innocent to me, but it's all about perception. To be sensitive to your boyfriend's natural insecurity about the situation, you might want to modify a few things:

1) Stop meeting your ex on Friday (or Saturday) nights.

2) If you are meeting your ex during the week, do it in public.

3) If your ex has a girlfriend, arrange for the four of you to get together sometime.

4) Because your time with your boyfriend is limited, never blow him off to be with your ex.

Just remember ... no matter who you are with, your closeness to a long time ex-boyfriend will make him nervous. Your new boyfriend is not acting like a jealous psycho.

Carl.

Oh. He doesn't have a girlfriend. And I've never blown my boyfriend off to hang out with my ex. That's why I make sure to get specific times when he's coming so I can tell my best friend that I will be busy. And my best friend gives us the space. So I really don't understand how I hang out with him too much.

I'm thinking this is a specific incident. Last night me and my best friend went up to the verizon store to look at getting a family share plan together, and we hung out after. And my boyfriend called me while I was at his house. I guess he doesn't like me committing to a phone plan with my ex, which he says that he's fine with but he's already admitted he's jealous of him. And I can't exactly have a plan with my boyfriend as he's already got a plan with his parents.

It just sounds like he's really jealous and is using his anger and taking it out on me.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds to me like you're fooling yourself. Your ex wants you back. Your boyfriend is perfectly justified in feeling threatened, and you're an emotionally irresponsible, greedy little girl.

Pick one, for ****'s sake. You're torturing both of them.

[bluesummer]

I kind of agree with Giga. I think your ex still has feelings, even if you don't. I'm taking it YOU broke up with HIM.....and if that's the case, he's probably still carrying some sort of torch for you.

The best way to look at it is this.....reverse the roles here. If your bf was hanging out with his ex-gf regularly, and calls her his 'best friend', would that not piss you off? If they got a cell phone plan together, do you really think that's okay, or even necessary?

Your partner should be your best friend (of the opposite sex). If they're not, you're not with the right person. I have a ton of guy friends, my fiance has a ton of girl friends, but I can tell you without a doubt that we are each other's best friend of the opposite sex. If he told me one of his exes was his best friend I'd be utterly pissed.

[carl1222]

Hey Pink, I was giving you a LOT of the benefit of the doubt here earlier (a lot more than the female responders here). But there is NOTHING Giga or blue said that I disagree with, except that blue thinks your ex is the only one carrying a torch. I noticed that you can't even call him your "ex" ... you call him your "best friend." Guess what ... he's not just your best friend, he IS your ex boyfriend ... a man you were with for 3 years and a man you were intimate with for 3 years!!

You insist on doing unnecessary and inappropriate things in the name of friendship that will undoubtably upset your new boyfriend, so it's clear where you prioritize your ex and your boyfriend; and your posts became increasingly defensive as I suggested that your relationship with your ex might be (or appear to be) a little out of line. This tells me that you are only looking for advice that justifies the fact that you are unreceptive to changing things with your ex to accommodate your boyfriend's feelings.

The joint cell phone plan with your ex is way over the top, surely you must know that. And even as just friends ... what are you doing spending time alone with a single guy you were romantically involved with in the past at his house when you are in a committed relationship with somone else?

I know you want us to tell you that everything you are doing is OK, and that your boyfriend is "really jealous and is using his anger and taking it out on" you. But it isn't, and he isn't. There are limits to acceptable behavior in a relationship, and you have substantially crossed the line. Your boyfriend is reacting to that. If you were my girlfriend and you told me the Verizon story and you were hanging out at his place when I called, I would have kicked you to the curb on the spot!

Carl.

[Mish]

mad because he feels that i spend too much time with my best friend. he drives me to and from the metro when i need to go to school, and i'll hang out with him once or twice a week. is that really too much?

Yes it is

Exs are the people whose guts you hate and only occasionally fling emails to, to keep in touch. There is no such thing as an "Ex yet best friend". Someone's fooling themselves.

[pinkpolkadot]

It sounds to me like you're fooling yourself. Your ex wants you back. Your boyfriend is perfectly justified in feeling threatened, and you're an emotionally irresponsible, greedy little girl.

Pick one, for ****'s sake. You're torturing both of them.

I've made my choice, and he knows that- they both know that.

I kind of agree with Giga. I think your ex still has feelings, even if you don't. I'm taking it YOU broke up with HIM.....and if that's the case, he's probably still carrying some sort of torch for you.

The best way to look at it is this.....reverse the roles here. If your bf was hanging out with his ex-gf regularly, and calls her his 'best friend', would that not piss you off? If they got a cell phone plan together, do you really think that's okay, or even necessary?

Your partner should be your best friend (of the opposite sex). If they're not, you're not with the right person. I have a ton of guy friends, my fiance has a ton of girl friends, but I can tell you without a doubt that we are each other's best friend of the opposite sex. If he told me one of his exes was his best friend I'd be utterly pissed.

I mean at first I would have a problem with him hanging out with his ex, but after a while I would relax because I would see that he would 'come home to me' as it was put to me. And he can't exactly be my best friend right now as we've only been dating a couple months.

Hey Pink, I was giving you a LOT of the benefit of the doubt here earlier (a lot more than the female responders here). But there is NOTHING Giga or blue said that I disagree with, except that blue thinks your ex is the only one carrying a torch. I noticed that you can't even call him your "ex" ... you call him your "best friend." Guess what ... he's not just your best friend, he IS your ex boyfriend ... a man you were with for 3 years and a man you were intimate with for 3 years!!

You insist on doing unnecessary and inappropriate things in the name of friendship that will undoubtably upset your new boyfriend, so it's clear where you prioritize your ex and your boyfriend; and your posts became increasingly defensive as I suggested that your relationship with your ex might be (or appear to be) a little out of line. This tells me that you are only looking for advice that justifies the fact that you are unreceptive to changing things with your ex to accommodate your boyfriend's feelings.

The joint cell phone plan with your ex is way over the top, surely you must know that. And even as just friends ... what are you doing spending time alone with a single guy you were romantically involved with in the past at his house when you are in a committed relationship with somone else?

I know you want us to tell you that everything you are doing is OK, and that your boyfriend is "really jealous and is using his anger and taking it out on" you. But it isn't, and he isn't. There are limits to acceptable behavior in a relationship, and you have substantially crossed the line. Your boyfriend is reacting to that. If you were my girlfriend and you told me the Verizon story and you were hanging out at his place when I called, I would have kicked you to the curb on the spot!

Carl.

so just because he's my ex i always have to refer to him as my ex? thats bullshit. yes, he IS my ex, but above that he is my best friend.

[tooxshort]

She sounds like she's in a better relationship with her ex than her current boyfriend!

[carl1222]

I've made my choice, and he knows that- they both know that.



I mean at first I would have a problem with him hanging out with his ex, but after a while I would relax because I would see that he would 'come home to me' as it was put to me. And he can't exactly be my best friend right now as we've only been dating a couple months.


so just because he's my ex i always have to refer to him as my ex? thats bullshit. yes, he IS my ex, but above that he is my best friend.

It's amazing how you can pick up on 1% of my post and ignore the other 99%. You are also amazingly adept at ignoring any objection to what you or doing, and dismissing your boyfriend's feelings about it.

But I have news for you, pink. There is NO MAN in the world (except a total doormat) who would accept that level of closeness with an ex. To say that you would ultimately accept it if your boyfriend went to see his ex-girlfriend 2-3 times a week alone at her home ... you are lying, either to us or yourself. So you haven't really made your choice yet ... either give up this level of closeness with your ex or give up any hope of a committed relationship with your boyfriend or anyone else.

Carl.

ps ... you wouldn't want to see what we would be advising your boyfriend if he were the one coming here for help.

[tooxshort]

But I have news for you, pink. There is NO MAN in the world (except a total doormat) who would accept that level of closeness with an ex. To say that you would ultimately accept it if your boyfriend went to see his ex-girlfriend 2-3 times a week alone at her home ... you are lying, either to us or yourself. So you haven't really made your choice yet ... either give up this level of closeness with your ex or give up any hope of a committed relationship with your boyfriend or anyone else.

Carl.

or just get back with your ex ...

[bluesummer]

Sorry, my dear, but your bf has a total right to be upset. You're taking the 'best friend' thing too far. I mean, my best GIRL friend and I don't get cell phone plans together.

If you and the ex are so close, date HIM. No man you're in a relationship with is going to be cool with having you and an ex hanging out like so-called 'buddies' and calling each other best friends. Even the guys here are telling you this. They're guys. They know.

I don't see how YOU don't see how silly your behaviour is.

[Aeradalia]

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it too... You cannot have the close physical intimacy of your boyfriend with the emotional/mental closeness of your ex... sooner or later... your boyfriend will need the emotional/mental closeness, and your ex will want the close physical intimacy.

It's unfair for both... you're disregarding your boyfriend's feelings and stringing your ex along.

Overcome your selfishness and either be a good girlfriend and put some distance between you and your ex --- for his peace of mind.... or.... cut your boyfriend loose and reconnect with your ex. It's up to you who you pick... but your selfish desires for both is only going to hurt everyone involved. You, included.