strange situation.. i broke up with him, but it feels like he broke up with me.

[freya77]

I have had a long distance relationship with a guy who lives 3 hours away, for the last 2 years. we started out as friends, but started having sex pretty much right away, even though i knew it was a bad idea at the time because i wasn't interested in anything other than friendship with him (i thought)

he wasn't my type, but he was a really great guy.. eventually i asked him to be my boyfriend (we were pretty much a couple anyway, so it seemed like the thing to do) the whole time we have known each other he has been living with his mother.. its bad enough that he was 3 hours away, but he is totally devoted to his mother.. in his MIND he was totally devoted to me, and to hear him TALK he was totally devoted to me, but his actions proved otherwise.

i guess i went about trying to make him grow up in the wrong way, in fact i know i did, but the situation was VERY frustrating to me. i couldnt understand how a 30 year old man could still be so devoted to his mom, as opposed to giving 100% to a woman he could spend the rest of his life with, have a family of his own with.. it made me very angry, and i showed it.

i broke up with him, not because i wanted him out of my life, but because the situation was SO frustrating to me, and i needed it to change. a couple weeks after i broke up with him i drove up there and confronted him.. we talked all night and i thought things were going to change.. he said he wanted to work things out, and we got back together, but since then when we get into an argument he stops talking to me. he hasnt talked to me for a week so far.. i dont know if we are broken up again, or what... if he doesnt want to work things out, he could at least have the balls to tell me. right? am i wrong to want that?

so i sent him a letter (in an actual envelope) basically telling him if he didnt want to work things out he needed to tell me. he cant say he wants to work things out and then stop talking to me... what am i supposed to think about THAT? i have no idea whats going on right now...

anyway, after i sent the letter i regretted sending it.. so i emailed him (i have no idea when he is going to check his email, but i know he checks the mail) i emailed him and told him to ignore the letter.. its over. i already know its over. i ended it for a reason over a month ago, but its difficult for me to accept defeat.

i love him. he was my best friend, and this whole thing is really killing me. i dont know if i'm doing the right thing, or if i'm doing the wrong thing. i've made a total fool out of myself up to this point i think, but he confuses the hell out of me.

i think it boils down to him not being ready to grow up. i didn't treat him very well the whole time we've known each other because of that fact. now he is ignoring me and its making me very mad. i dont know if he's ignoring me because he really does want it to be over, or if he's trying to teach me some sort of lesson, or WHAT.

if he wants it to be over, the GROWN UP thing to do would be TELL ME, right? thats something that is REALLY making me mad right now. am i just supposed to take the hint? i guess thats the only thing I CAN do at this point. last i knew we were supposed to be working on our problems, but when we argue he just stops talking to me and ignores me. thats why i wrote the email ending it for good. why leave it up to him, when its HIS problem to begin with? i'm an adult. i have a house, a job, i love my parents to DEATH, but they are NOT the center of my world anymore.

i dont want to lose him, but i dont think i ever really had him to begin with. he is nice and safe living with his mom, if thats what he wants for the rest of his life, i cant make him change it.

i'm very mad at myself for letting things get to this point, and i'm mad at him for doing this to me.. the only thing i can do now is to try to forget about it and get on with my life... right?

this sucks.. it really, really sucks.

[Carabiniere]

Are you certain that some sort of emergency isn't going on right now in his life and that you're not just jumping to conclusions? I mean, me personally, my significant other would be the first person I'd call in that situation, but it's a possibility.

[lahnnabell]

I think you've answered your own question here. He's not grown up enough. However, it sounds like you both have some growing up to do to be honest.

You guys have been doing this back and forth high-school break up thing and it's clearly got you both frustrated. You feel like you made a mistake right now because you miss the attention the relationship once got you. I guarantee you he hasn't had enough time to change his ways. He's probably going to have to hear it from a few different sources (i.e. women) before he figures out that he dictates his own behavior. That's why relationship experience is a plus. You practice and learn about how to interact with someone on such a personal level. Judging from this guy's situation (living with mom at 30) he doesn't have a heck of a lot going on. You didn't mention that his mom is ill or that she requires taking care of, so it sounds like the decision to live with her is his own.

I think you need to work on moving on. You tried. He hasn't made much effort to change his prioritization. Let him figure it out by giving him space. This in no way means he's guaranteed to come back to you, but he will learn from this experience once you stop coddling him. Let his mom do that if that's what he wants.