had a fight - what did he mean by his comment?

[annoyed23]

me and my man had a fight on thursday night - bad enough that he asked me if he should pack. I then replied no... and we went about the rest of the argument. He went to sleep and had me take care of our daughter for the rest of the night. Friday morning he told me he wasnt going to take care of our daughter and that he had things to do...wtf?? his responsibility is to take care of our daughter...I was angry and then proceeded to ask him where our daughter was going to go...he told me to drop her off at my moms...ummmm no!!! my mom isnt the scape goat babysitter. anyway...we calmed down, and talked, and I told him what I expect from him in our relationship and I asked him the same...I said "I need you to tell me what you want from me..." his answer (this is the 2nd time hes said it) was "nothing". now if he wants nothing, then why is he still with me? what is his purpose of being with me?? I dont get it! is he saying it just to upset me? (he told me he does say things to get me going...) but this is really bothering me.

[Spring Haze]

Ask him. He's the father of your child, you should be able to talk with him.

[annoyed23]

he doesnt know how to communicate how he feels - and I am trying so hard to get him to tell me whats really going on in his head - but he cant express himself.

[Spring Haze]

Maybe you should ask if it's anything that you need to be concerned about.

[Sonrisa]

can you be more clear about the situation though? is he still unemployed?

[annoyed23]

yes - he is still looking for work...but I know he isnt with me for financial dependability...hes got his dad he can always go to...

[Sixpacj]

"I am trying so hard to get him to tell me whats really going on in his head"

Be careful with that tactic with men, IMHO. If someone tried that with me, I'd get crazy, homicidal, or run away as quickly as possible. This is a major no-no, I'd even construe this to be tantamount to emotional blackmail, which never goes down well... but of course I could be wrong based on the info you provided.

"he doesnt know how to communicate how he feels"

Is this what he TOLD you, i.e. "baby, sorry, I just don't know how to communicate how I feel" ? Or are you ASSUMING this 'cause he isn't communicating with you. Men KNOW PERFECTLY WELL what they are feeling, and they are capable of communicating it.

The one major reason a guy wouldn't communicate with you is that he's feeling cornered into making confessions or declarations. The several times someone tried to do this to me my psychosomatic reaction was something akin to a sudden onset of homicidal rage/a wave of vomiting/nausea/hatred/disdain... you get the picture...

To continue, do not confuse unwillingness with inability. To illustrate, let's take one of the founding myths of modern womanhood, i.e. "men are afraid of commitment". No. No man is afraid of commitment. He does not want to commit not becasue he is afraid. He DOES NOT WANT a commitment. And to be more specific, NOT WITH YOU.

I used this example to illustrate that you might be making the mistake of thinking that since you need to talk about your feelings and the relationship, he must need that too, and if he still isn't doing it, it must mean something is stopping him, like he is UNABLE or AFRAID to talk about such things, and it is your task to "help" him do that...

Well, enough of my little rant. Hope this helped. But of course I could've misinterpreted your post...

[Sixpacj]

Also, while we're at it and, of course, based on the information you provided, I'd strongly discourage you from employing, for lack of a better word, "emotional communication" with a man.

Like saying something that implies something else when combined with the "emotion" attached to it.

Cause the guy will consciously and purposefully disregard the emotional component (which he will most likely take as an aggressive move, i.e. emotional manipulation), and answer the "logical" part.

"what do you want from me?" -> "nothing", meaning he has no special expectations from you at the time of conversation, while you were hoping for a "where-is-this-relationship-going" type of answer.

[Gribble]

Perhaps he figured saying "nothing" was less likely to get him in trouble than saying "a convenient supply of ass."

[lahnnabell]

Six is right about emotional grilling. Men don't respond well, in fact, women don't respond well either. Having someone in your face constantly trying to decode your mannerisms and every word gets frustrating.

Granted, his shirking responsibility for a daughter that the two of you share, isn't okay. Did you inquire at all about what these "things" he had to do were? Was it something like, "I have a job interview." Since you say he's unemployed. Be specific with us. We can't help you if you're not giving us facts.

What do you guys argue about so regularly? Your daughter, your living situation, his unemployment? All of the above? If you guys are arguing so much and you're the one who wants to see change (although I'm sure he does too), you have to be the driving force here. Strive not to get angry and yell and berate him. If you feel yourself going that way, then back up and take a breather. Return to the issue when you're calm. If you come from a caring point of view, he'll open up more easily to you.

Right now it seems that he's trying to say whatever'll get him the least amount of flack from you.

[Lite]

Is this what he TOLD you, i.e. "baby, sorry, I just don't know how to communicate how I feel" ? Or are you ASSUMING this 'cause he isn't communicating with you. Men KNOW PERFECTLY WELL what they are feeling, and they are capable of communicating it.

Actually you're wrong. Men don't know perfectly well what they are feeling and how to communicate it. We're raised not to have "unmanly" feelings, and taught to feel shame at needing to express such feeling.

Why is it OK to be empathetic of a woman being confused and having difficulty expressing themselves, but not to feel that for a man?

[Sixpacj]

"Actually you're wrong. Men don't know perfectly well what they are feeling and how to communicate it. We're raised not to have "unmanly" feelings, and taught to feel shame at needing to express such feeling"

Yeah, I figured maybe I went too far with this statement, but:

1. I am from Europe, so maybe our upbringing differed to some extent.
2. Was only expressing my own opinion based on my own experience.
3. I was trying to give the OP some context in which to see her woes, so that she isn't confined to the traditional ways of thinking of women.
4. Actually, I DO think men know what they're feeling, whether it be anger, joy, or otherwise. We also, at least so it seems to me, are capable of showing it, if not exactly verbalise it.

"Why is it OK to be empathetic of a woman being confused and having difficulty expressing themselves, but not to feel that for a man?"

This is a valid point, a man isn't supposed to show weakness. But apart form that there is a whole array of feelings we are "authoriseed" by society to experience and show - joy, extasy, anger, rage, lust, sadness, etc. But of course, it varies in different families, social and ethnic groups, countries...

[IndiReloaded]

Write out a list of your expectations. Use small words and try to limit it to your Top 5 (for now). Give it to him. Ask him to do the same for you. Then discuss. Writing things out forces you to think and removes the rapid rise in emotions.

I know you won't do this. Most ppl just want to vent about their problems, not actually try to make them better. But I thought I'd try just in case you are an exception.

As for childcare, you two need to work out a schedule. Especially if you are working and he isn't. Again, I suggest writing it out.