Girlfriend made a date with another guy.

[live_n_learn]

First I'd like to say that I did something that I am not proud of but because of my past insecurities, I basically started reading her email occasionally. If I have not found anything suspicious the first time I did it, I probably would not have peeked ever again. However, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years still keeps in touch with her ex and on one occasion looks like she was making plans to see him (although I have no proof whether that ever happened). While talking about something unrelated about her ex I asked when was the last time she heard from him (or another previous ex of hers). She said it was more than 6 month that he contacted her which was a lie as at the very least they were in touch by email just a few weeks ago. Even though I’m very displeased that she would go or even attempt to meet with her ex behind my back I have not confronted her about it and since I stopped seeing any evidence of them being in touch after that and I just put this in the back of my mind.

Now, however, I have a bigger fish to fry. I found out that she went to a networking event (part of her job) where she met someone who she enjoyed talking to and he asked to see her again. In the first email (to her mother btw), she mentioned that she wasn’t sure if this meeting was networking or social, but she went anyway. I became clear pretty fast that it was social and the guy started making a move on her and tried to kiss her. She turned away (as she said to her mother in the email) and subsequent email said that she now felt guilty and she should just break it off with that guy. Another thing I really didn’t like is that she said: “it’s hard to get to know someone casually if they’re trying to kiss you”, which says to me that she’s trying to explore her options and see if there’s something better out there.

For about 2 months since then I haven’t seen any communication from her about this. However, suddenly I see her sending him an email that she would like to catch up on stuff and she asked if “they could make some time for a phone date”. When I checked her phone log a few days later, it confirmed that they spoke that same evening for an hour. A couple of days later I see an email from him asking her if they’re still on for a dinner which she said she’d rather do next week because she hasn’t been feeling well.

So, my conclusions are: 1) she’s obviously not happy about something in the relationship and feels unsatisfied, or she lost interest. 2) She’s looking around for a replacement and just stringing me along until she finds it. 3) She’s disrespectful and she’s playing both me and the other guy. 4) She’s not willing to come to me and work on relationship concerns and rather chooses to explore other opportunities.

All of this also after she made it obvious to me a few months before that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and have a family.

Now, I understand that I violated her trust by checking her email and phone and that it was a wrong thing to do, not to mention unhealthy for a relationship and I’m not very proud of this, however, in the end I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later.

I’m basically ready to break up with her over this and just wanted to get some comments from you guys if you think my assessment of the situation is correct and whether or not there’s nothing else left to do but end it. Otherwise, I think if I wait I’ll get hurt a lot more than I already am when she actually finds somebody new.

Please let me know what you think. Sorry for the long post.

[vashti]

She's established a pattern of sneaking around behind your back. I'm not sure this is a salvagable trait. I'd probably move on. This is not the kind of behavior you want to worry about when you start thinking about having a family.

[alovehangoverr]

Well, what are the emails to her ex like? Are they friends-only emails? I'm not saying what she did wasn't wrong.. but if she knows of your insecurities, she may not have wanted to tell you for fear of what you'd think. If you feel it's an issue you're fixated on, discuss it with her.

As for the whole reading her email thing-- you need to stop. I realize you think you're "finding things," but honestly.. you could take anything out of context and have it twisted to fit what you want. I read the comment she made to her mom that it's "hard to get to know someone casually," as she was trying to be friends with him.. not "casually date him" or "see what else is out there." The fact that she followed up is definitely suspicious though, and again, if it's such an issue for you TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

[Cain]

Well, what are the emails to her ex like? Are they friends-only emails? I'm not saying what she did wasn't wrong.. but if she knows of your insecurities, she may not have wanted to tell you for fear of what you'd think. If you feel it's an issue you're fixated on, discuss it with her.

As for the whole reading her email thing-- you need to stop. I realize you think you're "finding things," but honestly.. you could take anything out of context and have it twisted to fit what you want. I read the comment she made to her mom that it's "hard to get to know someone casually," as she was trying to be friends with him.. not "casually date him" or "see what else is out there." The fact that she followed up is definitely suspicious though, and again, if it's such an issue for you TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

If she only wanted to be friends with him then she would have broken off the friendship when he made a move on her. People that are respectful of their partners won't continue to hang out with someone that is trying to kiss them. When that line is crossed, respectful people usually let it be known that they are taken and that the friendship will have to end.

Considering she's going on a dinner date with him, I would suspect that there is more to it then just friendship and I fault her mom just as much as her for not telling her that what she's doing is wrong.

Ultimately though, OP, you broke trust first when you read her initial emails. If I found out that my gf had done that or looked at my phone log I'd be pissed. I have nothing to hide, but it is still my personal space.

[alovehangoverr]

If she only wanted to be friends with him then she would have broken off the friendship when he made a move on her. People that are respectful of their partners won't continue to hang out with someone that is trying to kiss them. When that line is crossed, respectful people usually let it be known that they are taken and that the friendship will have to end.

Considering she's going on a dinner date with him, I would suspect that there is more to it then just friendship and I fault her mom just as much as her for not telling her that what she's doing is wrong.

Ultimately though, OP, you broke trust first when you read her initial emails. If I found out that my gf had done that or looked at my phone log I'd be pissed. I have nothing to hide, but it is still my personal space.

I'm not trying to dispute any of that.. I'm just saying that if this is such an issue for him, instead of waiting around, checking up more, seeing how things play out-- he should address it and deal with it. It seems pointless to know this is going on.. yet sit back and just continue to check things instead of acting.

And to add-- I agree with the breach of privacy.. I don't mind my boyfriend messing with my phone or being on my computer.. but if he was going through all of my stuff I'd be pretty upset.. I have nothing to hide, but people need some privacy.

[tooxshort]

Yep, it'd definitely be better to break this off ... Not only is she sneaking around, doing things behind your back, but you've been checking her e-mails occasionally for awhile and didn't do anything about it!

Even though you did the wrong thing by looking at her e-mails, at least you got something out of it ... I'd feel worse if I suspected, looked, and found nothing.

Who cares if you checked her e-mails at this point anyway? You're both not made for each other anymore ...

[alovehangoverr]

Yep, it'd definitely be better to break this off ... Not only is she sneaking around, doing things behind your back, but you've been checking her e-mails occasionally for awhile and didn't do anything about it!

Even though you did the wrong thing by looking at her e-mails, at least you got something out of it ... I'd feel worse if I suspected, looked, and found nothing.

Who cares if you checked her e-mails at this point anyway? You're both not made for each other anymore ...

I think the point of him being in the wrong checking her emails is to make sure it stops happening, not necessarily with this girl-- but just in general.

He checked them out of insecurities to do with his past and I know how stuff like that can become addicting. I just don't want him getting insecure in the future and justifying checking up on a new girlfriend with "well, I found something when I looked with so and so."

[tooxshort]

He checked them out of insecurities to do with his past and I know how stuff like that can become addicting. I just don't want him getting insecure in the future and justifying checking up on a new girlfriend with "well, I found something when I looked with so and so."

Ah, you're right ... I reread the original post and past insecurities and yeah, it's rough. But it's going to happen either way because of this situation.

Insecurities are a bitch and they're hard to get over. So, despite whether or not it's wrong to invade someone's privacy, he's going to feel justified from here on out anyway.

But as they say, you gotta love yourself before you love someone else.

And the fact of the matter is that this girl isn't for him and he's not for her. Perhaps he can find someone who is willing to constantly reassure him the way he'd like. As far-fetched as that may seem ...

[Gigabitch]

What are you waiting for? Break up with her yesterday.

[Mish]

I'm with the breaking it off crowd.

Do it face to face and explain all of your reasons. I would probably bring print outs of her emails and highlight the grievance points just to rub her face in it.

[Cain]

I'm with the breaking it off crowd.

Do it face to face and explain all of your reasons. I would probably bring print outs of her emails and highlight the grievance points just to rub her face in it.

There's really no point to that. Just break it off. You really don't even owe her a reason. In fact, you can come out of this looking like a piece of shit if you show that you were a nosy little ****er and snooped into her email and phone.

[Gigabitch]

Hmmm. I agree with Cain that confessing to snooping will make you look pretty bad (and you ARE, but I can tell you from personal experience that what you learn from snooping is punishment aplenty).

I think you should just end it with her by saying that she's not really everything you ever wanted in a girl.

[Mish]

I'd show her the email to alleviate the risk of her stalking me trying to find out the 'real reason'. This would set the record straight.

[Gigabitch]

No, no. Drive her nuts. Tell her, "It's not me, it's you."