lost my GF by being uncaring...will i ever have her back?

[fzald]

ok so my story is long and crazy but i'll try to keep it as short as possible

my ex is someone i've known since 2002, she was really young then and for the longest time i was a role model to her, someone to look up to, to count on, to talk to when the pressures of growing up would hit her and so on. she is young - right now she's almost 19, we started going out when she was 17. i am in my early 20s

well in 2007 we got really close (i'd just come off a bad relationship) and eventually we started going out. she lives far from me so it's long distance.

we had a great relationship, we shared our deepest darkest secrets, our innermost feelings, and we felt comfortable talking about literally anything, even the most touchy subjects. we agree on religious, political, and many other important views and we share many common interests.

i got to see her twice - at a convention and at her parent's house, both times were complete romantic bliss for both of us.

in summer 2008 some issues happened between us - i got needy and controlling, she responded with some (very minor) infidelity, and we broke up.

a month and a half later we got back together after she said she realized she couldn't live without me - remember we're still long distance.

given some serious issues in my life, she suggested i move to her to get away from my family problems and such. i made plans to do this, and was actively pursuing the idea. then my parents got sick and started demanding and guilting me into helping them.

result was my girl realized i was unlikely to move to her when we planned so because she didn't want to lose me she changed her mind and decided to move to me. and she always told me over and over how much she loved me and how she'd do anything for me and for us - she wrote me 15 pages of pure feelings after we saw each other one time, and it brought (happy) tears to my eyes... this girl truly loved the heck out of me!

i visited her in fall 08 and we held each other, crying, and saying that after what we've been though, we wil never be apart again, and that our love is so strong that it brought us together again and we truly were meant for each other. it was extremely emotional, and my heart completely went out to her even more than before... i was completely utterly hooked

but due to all the stress my parents were putting on me, all the constant guilting, emotional abuse, fear, etc. i started to really take things out on my girl. i started to be more emotionally abusive to her. specifically, which really hurt her the most, i did two things: 1. i would bring up the "infidelity" from last summer in anger, and 2. I'd tell her my parents are more important because they're closer, they need me, etc.

now that isn't to say we didn't have great times. she came to visit me (finally! after waiting over a year for that dream to come true) and we had a blast. every second we spent together was amazing. i did things for her that she told me no other guy ever did, i made her feel welcome with me, i showed her off... she said she felt so special and wanted and cared and loved.

my dad moved into my house in early february (because my mom guilted me into letting him because of his sickness) and thus my privacy and my relatinship with my girl went onto rocky ground. we went from daily phone calls to calling once a week at best (when I could sneak away without being questioned or when my dad left for some reason) and even our online contact dwindled because i was being made to spend most of my time caring for and hanging out with parents

so anyway we got into a huge major fight because the next planned visit we had fell through. basically, we started blaming each other, and i started to really get mean with her. we both hate the distance situation, but she started to feel like it was my fault the distance exists (i.e. i canceled the moving plans) and that it's not fair for her to do all the work for the relationship.

well the result was we broke up. initially after the breakup she told me she still loved me and just needed a break and she hoped we'd be together again after i get my life in order. her exact words at the time were "i don't want to put any more into this until you are able to put more into it" and "sometimes people who are in love do have to take a break but if there is love things will work out and we can be together again"

right up to the big fight+breakup, we still got along well for the most part, we did our sweet cute things that we did with each other online, we talked about how much in love we were, we even spoke of possible future marriage plans as recently as two days before the breakup.

fast forward 3 weeks to now, now she's very cold, angry and hurt... she tells me going back with me last summer was a big mistake, she's sorry she ever dated me, she can do better than me, and she has no intention on ever being with me again. she can't even really remember or talk about any of the good, wonderful and amazing times we had together. all she thinks of and talks about are the bad things. she exaggerates - anytime a good memory does come up in conversation, she immediately connects it to a bad one. anytime something good that i did for her comes up, she counters it with something bad i did that was more bad than the good thing was good.

to make matters worse, she's rebounding - already flirting with and "possibly having feelings" about another guy - a much older (by 20 years!), MARRIED one at that. (that's a danger zone right there - she's setting herself up for more pain) she's not officially dating, but she is definitely pointing out how much better he is than me. she said she "only feels happy when she is talking to him and helping him".

also from her: "there are people in this world who will love me completely and truly, you had 17 months to do it but you couldn't, i gave you everything i have and i gave you so many chances, it is too late and i am not going back out with you. up to you whether you move on or not but my feelings right now are that we are not going out."

from what i know about female feelings and stuff, this is playing out like a normal breakup - she's mad at me for what i did to her when i was angry, and she's hurting... and at some subconscious level she's trying to get back at me for everything, because she knows those comments stab at me like knives. definite FEMALE PRIDE at work here. she's not going to let me back in that easily.

and obviously anything i say right now goes nowhere - she only sees it as a ploy to get "my way" i.e. get her back, she will not see anything i do right now as genuine and caring. she (with the help of friends/family/rebound) has painted me as the bad guy, the PROBLEM in her life that needs to be eliminated. any explanation i offer to her accusations is an "excuse" and part of a game to win her back for selfish reasons. she will not and cannot see right now that i genuinely did and still do care about her deeply.

since the breakup i finally have stood up to my family - the end result being them demanding money back from me that they gave me years ago, taking away my job (i worked for my mom), calling up my ex telling her to send things they gave her back, etc. basically an extremely ugly mess

she found out also that i was actually looking at her area as a place to move (now that i have no job and no other opportunities here) - she said "if you're thinking of moving here to be close to me then get over it."

friends and other boards have advised me to simply stop talking to her and give her space and time to miss me. while this is basicaly where i'm about to go, she still gets mad when this prospect comes up: "you only talk to me because you want me back, if you don't get what you want you won't give anything not even friendship."

we had an extremely deep bond, given that we were friends for so long. we shared a comfort and compatibility that even some married couples lack. and i truly feel she is the one meant for me. nobody else even comes close to her.

so my question to females basically is: will the hurt+pride that she has right now fade, and will i ever have a chance to make it up to her, and work it out with her? what are the implications of this other rebound dude, not ot mention her friends and family all telling her she made the right choice to get rid of me?

f

[Indignant]

yep, that was as short as possible.

since i didn't read any of it, i'll just say NO.

[jadelil25]

I am someone who belives in second chances but there are some things which you both need to do to make it work.

You need to both work out what the problems are and then sit down and talk over them. You both need to be honest and open with each other about how you feel and both need to realise that you had problems. To sort the problems out you both need to be willing to work on them and come up with a plan.

This is the only way which you can work things out but you need to be mature about this and have a serious talk. If this does not work then you are not meant to be and it is time to move on.

[Naples]

It sounds as though most of your interaction was carried out through online conversations. I understand the distance dilemma, but if I followed it correctly--a lot of what you found so special about the relationship was what you guys SAID to each other and TALKED about (marriage plans, how much you two care about one another, etc.) It is important to have these kinds of talks in a relationship, but TALKING about feelings and future plans cannot take the place of laying in each other's arms, looking into one another's eyes. It sounds like you only saw each other a handful of times throughout this 17 month relationship. I understand that your family's situation made things extremely difficult, but perhaps it is not HER female pride that is the problem here. Maybe this is one of those situations where you are most bothered and hurt because she walked away from you... Best of luck!

About her "rebound" dude... it's not going anywhere, so don't worry about him. And the fact that, 3 weeks after the breakup she has such harsh words for you, indicates there are still desires and feelings. (Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.) All in all, I'd say you have a distinct shot of getting back with her...but I'm not sure how genuine the relationship ever really was.

[fzald]

It sounds as though most of your interaction was carried out through online conversations. I understand the distance dilemma, but if I followed it correctly--a lot of what you found so special about the relationship was what you guys SAID to each other and TALKED about (marriage plans, how much you two care about one another, etc.) It is important to have these kinds of talks in a relationship, but TALKING about feelings and future plans cannot take the place of laying in each other's arms, looking into one another's eyes. It sounds like you only saw each other a handful of times throughout this 17 month relationship. I understand that your family's situation made things extremely difficult, but perhaps it is not HER female pride that is the problem here. Maybe this is one of those situations where you are most bothered and hurt because she walked away from you... Best of luck!

this is definitely the case to some extent...her and I truly did have an amazing relationship particularly when we saw each other in person. in both of our words, it's the only time we truly felt free, open, relaxed, truly ourselves. we complement each other extremely well, and we discovered this early on when we met. there was nothing we wouldn't do or say around each other, nothing that made us uncomfortable, etc. and we just had a strong feeling that we were meant to be.

trust me, holding her in my arms, talking to her in person, doing things together... all of those things made the distance worthwhile to me, except in the end when we fought it didn't show. i would have done anything for her, but i had fears for my own life situation (family) that prevented me from being completley loving towards her. so now i suffer not only loss but guilt and remorse, only made worse by her comments ("i gave you everything i could, but you could never love me.")

i think her female pride is at work because of the fights we had online, many of which stemmed from two things: my family, and our distance. the rebound guy is more local to her, she can see him more often. this is the fear most everyone has in this situation - the rebound guy is close, he can actually build that in-person relationship in a way that I never could.

but when i got her back last time, i knew it wasn't just acting from rejection, because I felt all the same feelings for her once she came back to me. i felt all the same love, caring, compassion, connection, etc. that i did before we broke up the first time. i never had a feeling like she's not the one for me ever.

About her "rebound" dude... it's not going anywhere, so don't worry about him. And the fact that, 3 weeks after the breakup she has such harsh words for you, indicates there are still desires and feelings. (Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.) All in all, I'd say you have a distinct shot of getting back with her...but I'm not sure how genuine the relationship ever really was.

point accepted, but I do feel it was pretty genuine. yes we did a lot of talk, but we took full advantage of every second we had in person together. we enjoyed every second too. parting from her is the worst times of my life, second only to now (losing her for real as in a breakup).

i truly do not want to give up on her. as another poster said, we have to work this out together - and right now she is too hostile for that. she won't hear any reconciliation right now, and this is why i say female pride is at work. her comments like "i can do better than you" and "i'm sorry for going out with you i should have known better" are definitely pride-based comments, probably reinforced by the rebound guy.

i guess all i can do is give her time to cool off, go into nc and leave her alone even though it's not what she wants.

her words were: "anyone else i would throw away and tell them to get lost but i don't want to lose you as a friend since we go back so far. but if you want to stop talking then i guess your problem i can't make you, it only will prove to me that you're selfish and it's your way or nothing (relationship or nothing)."

[lahnnabell]

Stop typing in novels. We get it. You love this girl. You share a strong bond. She's your soulmate. Whatever!

I have absolutely NO tolerance for emotional abuse as it is something that my father and ex boyfriends (including my current ex) did to me. Lashing out because you're having a bad moment is inexcusable and does a real mindf*** on the other person. I highly suggest you seek counseling to deal with this issue. In reality, it's not your parents that were causing your problem. It's the way you handled your stress. That will flare up again.

This girl is taking her anger out on you now. She needs to heal from the hurt she endured. You being around or moving closer to her will not help that regardless of whether or not you contact her. You guys have so much bad blood now that it'll be really difficult to rectify your relationship.

Highly suggested that you move on.

[Gigabitch]

If she were posting her side of the story, I would tell her to move on. LDR's are hard enough even when everything is peachy between you. it will be almost impossible to keep this one up with all the hurt that's occurred.

That being said, though, you've been a habit of hers for a long time. I doubt she's going to find it easy to really let you go. What you need to do is really look at yourself and figure out if you're good for her.

[alovehangoverr]

I'm agreeing with the above that you need to give her some space and more than likely move on.

The relationship sounds toxic-- you tried to fix things, that was your second chance; it's rare to get a third. If you were emotionally abusive towards her, of course she's angry and painting you out as the bad guy-- in her eyes, and in the eyes of probably quite a few people, you actually are the bad guy.

It doesn't sound like she's been getting what she needs out of the relationship, and the best thing she could do was walk away. With her feeling she did the right thing, her friends and family supporting her, and her potentially moving on [rebound or not, great guy or not] I'd say what's done is done and you trying at anything, even a friendship right now, isn't going to fly.