When a man asks "what's wrong?"

[lesa]

I'm not trying to get him to read my mind and guess what it is, nor do I wish he'd ask repeatedly "what's wrong", I just want him to give some sign that he cares that I'm upset, even if I don't want to talk about it.

So you want him to noticed something is wrong but instead of asking you what is the matter, you want him to give you a back rub, foot massage, wine and grapes?

I don't try to sense what my friends are thinking although many say that is what females naturally do, so I imagine males would do that more than I. The only thing you will gain from this behavior is unnecessary problems in your marriage.

[Junket]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

[doppelgaenger]

I find it funny that the German word for heaven is masculine, and the German word for hell is feminine [in gender].

[Lite]

I just want him to give some sign that he cares that I'm upset, even if I don't want to talk about it.

You mean like, actually bothering to ask you "What's wrong?", and you just responding with something like, "Could you just give me a hug?"

You know, where you communicate your needs rather than expect him to be a ****ing mind reader because you're too pathetic to bother clearly communicate your needs to him?

Then, when he doesn't respond in the exact manner you want him to, you freak out and get upset, and come post on an internet forum about how to "fix it" rather than actually talk to HIM about it?

Do you get what the problem is yet? It isn't him, it's you.

When a man is told "Nothing is wrong" he either A) Believes you, or B) Believes you don't want to talk about it.

And drops the goddamn subject.

WTF? Are you seriously so screwed up in the head that you don't get this very basic tenant about males?

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, and Lite is one of the other married people on this board.

[Lite]

Oh, and Lite is one of the other married people on this board.

Shhh! They might start to believe me or something.

One of the best things anyone ever said to me was: You need to learn to accept love as others are able to give it to you, not how you want to receive it.

He obviously cares, because he asked her what's wrong. If he didn't care, he wouldn't ask. Now, men have a basic problem of, "There's a problem, must fix problem." So, if you tell us something is wrong, we're likely going to try and fix it.

Rather than, just listen to you vent, give you a hug, and let you go on with your day. But, you can actually ask us to not deal with the problem like a guy, just listen, and give you a hug. However, we DO need to be TOLD that this is what you want, otherwise we're going to revert to our default method of operation.

I'd apologize for sounding harsh above, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I care about being harsh at times.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, agreed Lite. So we are back to what several posters already told her: the problem is right at the point where he asked 'what's wrong' and she lied and said 'nothing'.

Pikabu - Ask for what you want, doll. If you don't know, state clearly you are upset but don't quite know what you need. At least that is honest communication. If you say 'nothing', then that is exactly what you will get.

[denfor25]

Pikabu - Ask for what you want, doll. If you don't know, state clearly you are upset but don't quite know what you need. At least that is honest communication. If you say 'nothing', then that is exactly what you will get.

this is all good stuff; everybody here agrees that man IS NOT a mind reader; but; if female is struggling with some problem that she does not want to discuss for whatever reason, how hard is it for a man to at least DEMONSTRATE some sympathy even he does not HECK understand what is going on with her???

That is all she is asking for: "Show me some sympathy and compassion!". Is it too much to ask?

In the end they both need to learn how to deal with man-woman differences (I mean just read a f-ing book!); such as: man needs to learn how to sense better what woman is feeling and what does she need; woman needs to realize that man is not a Mind Reader and not a Emotions Sensor and not designed to read subtle emotional clues woman is sending!

[IndiReloaded]

He did demonstrate sympathy. He asked her *twice* what was wrong. She chose to demur.

How about his needs? Like the fact he was likely tired & didn't want to get into an hour long feelings-fest b/c he probably had to get up for work the next day?

Its always cleanest, Den, to be able to ask for what one wants. In a sense, he is training *her* to learn to be more assertive, not a bad thing based on what I've read so far.

[Lite]

That is all she is asking for: "Show me some sympathy and compassion!". Is it too much to ask?

I think you're confusing Sympathy and Empathy. You really should learn the difference if you're going to insist that is what a person is asking for.

He cannot learn to react to something in a manner she likes, unless she tells him what she wants and stops lying about there being something wrong.

Eventually if you keep being told nothing is wrong, you'll just stop asking and wasting your breath about it. At least, as a guy, that's what I do.

[denfor25]

I think you're confusing Sympathy and Empathy. ...

of coarse i do not know the difference but looked it here:
[url]http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sympathy[/url]
Sympathy: : inclination to think or feel alike; the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests...

[url]http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Empathy[/url]
Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, ..... without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

"Sharing the feelings" seems to be is a key word there; it actually funny several guys discussing this stuff here; are not we suppose to be scared by the word "feelings"?

Anyway, it seems to me that dialog of the type: "Is anything wrong? No? Then I am going to sleep!" hardly resembles the act of "sharing the feelings", at least in the way women understand this term. This dialog represents communication on logical level.

"Sharing the feelings" is supposedly communication on emotional level. What does is exactly means? Well, how the heck do I know! I have been fortunate that my wife does not "talk feelings", or "talk of feelings of relationship" so I am not familiar with the problem!

[Lite]

"Sharing the feelings" seems to be is a key word there; it actually funny several guys discussing this stuff here; are not we suppose to be scared by the word "feelings"?

Anyway, it seems to me that dialog of the type: "Is anything wrong? No? Then I am going to sleep!" hardly resembles the act of "sharing the feelings", at least in the way women understand this term. This dialog represents communication on logical level.

"Sharing the feelings" is supposedly communication on emotional level.

I'm a rather emotionally sensitive person for a male. So, it isn't quite such a leap for me to embrace and understand them as some men. However, that doesn't mean I haven't spent a good deal feeling at odds about having them, and not suppose to show that I have them.

Anyway, the key is, he asked twice, and she failed to communicate in a manner that he understands. Women communicate in far more subtle manners than men, and it is much easier for the woman to simply say "I need a hug because I'm upset." Which clearly and concisely explains what she needs, than it is for the man to instantly notice, let alone learn, her body language that she has spent a lifetime developing.

She may not WANT to, but she needs to adjust her communication in order to convey her needs. It is the easiest method to solve this problem for both of them. It also puts them on a path to establishing a healthy and mutually compatible form of communication.

You're confusing "sharing the feelings" as in communicating, versus the actual act of "sharing" feeling what she is feeling. She doesn't want him to "feel" what she is feeling, she wants him to understand and acknowledge what she is feeling, while remaining detached from it so that he can be the supportive person she wants.

[denfor25]

....
You're confusing "sharing the feelings" as in communicating, versus the actual act of "sharing" feeling what she is feeling. She doesn't want him to "feel" what she is feeling, she wants him to understand and acknowledge what she is feeling, while remaining detached from it so that he can be the supportive person she wants.

sympathy, empathy, feelings, .... what a a bunch of semantic crap!
What about simple example? For instance, if you came home (bar, work) happy but your wife (friend, co-worker) is clearly upset about something but does not want to talk about it, do you think it is ok to carry on happy and ignore other person's mood like nothing is wrong?
Or is it more appropriate to show some respect to other person and understanding of his (her) feelings; slow down a bit; get moods is sync; talk about casual stuff, trying to bring his (her) spirit up; that is what I call sympathy.

Being sympathetic is being understanding about other people's problems.

If my friend is unhappy, I am unhappy.
If my wife is unhappy, I am unhappy.
Or at least, I will pretend that I am unhappy out of respect to other person!
Is asking "is anything wrong?" enough? I do not think so!

[Lite]

sympathy, empathy, feelings, .... what a a bunch of semantic crap!

Being sympathetic is being understanding about other people's problems.

If my friend is unhappy, I am unhappy.
If my wife is unhappy, I am unhappy.
Or at least, I will pretend that I am unhappy out of respect to other person!
Is asking "is anything wrong?" enough? I do not think so!

No, that's being empathetic, and it isn't semantic crap. Hell, even a therapist will make damn sure you know the difference.

So, out of respect for people who actually know what they are talking about, you shouldn't dismiss them when they take the time to explain it to you.

If I'm happy, and my wife is unhappy, then I will ask her what's wrong. If I ask her a second time, and still get no real answer I know to back off and let her brain chew on whatever it needs to chew upon before bothering her again.

[denfor25]

No, that's being empathetic, and it isn't semantic crap. Hell, even a therapist will make damn sure you know the difference...

Lite, I did not intend to offend you; by semantic crap I meant that description of practical behavioral example could be more useful then just say "express empathy " or "express sympathy"; about those two you are right, my English is mostly technical; so a lot of humanitarian terms I just do not feel the fine difference like between sympathy and empathy; but I promise to think about it as soon as I file them damn taxes! Over and out.