he says he doesn't love me

[lifeishard]

I am in problem , i don't know what to do..............
I fell in love with a boy of my class, it will seem strange that we never went out together or anything like that..........he added me in gtalk last yr . I actually admired him initially as he is a good boy and well mannered,good in studies as my many friends are.Well I am doing b.tech , and I am a 20 yr old girl.As we began chatting I began liking talking to him,his jokes made me laugh. He also liked talking to me ,I can say that because we stayed awake till 4 or 5 in morning just chatting..........no-one saying bye........For 5 months we talked so much.he used to tease me from gmail ids of other classmates. When we met in class we never talked,just smiled.He used to give me hints like.....evrything is fair in ......I used to ask in what?he never spoke and I started dreaming.Even his friend once teased me on gtalk to ask who that girl is...teasing types..People please tell me after all this what would I think ..I got 100% sure this time that he likes me ......and my feelings got stronger,deeper,affectionate.When once seeing my gtalk status he asked what dream you have,why don't you tell me....I said you are my dream......And you know what he said.......i hope it is only a joke......A JOKE?????? Now my tears don't stop...I feel uneasy......I told him that I love him......He says he never thought so.He says he is not allowed to marry outside his caste........Even I am not.What shall I do now.I am a kind of girl who never talked with boys so much ,he is the first one who knows everything about me......How will I live without him???
He says he is sorry for hurting me.........and I know he is.....he gets worried and asks me not to cry.I have not ended aur friendship.But I just can't be just a friend .......It hurts...And I don't want to lose................I am lost ..........I don't know what to do................cry forever.
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[carl1222]

You will probably get replies from some Americans and western Europeans who will call caste restrictions unfair and backwards. Obviously, it's very important to him.

I'm confused ... weren't you both aware of the problems with your caste differences all along?

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

If you were aware of your caste restrictions... and he was aware of his caste restrictions... one has to wonder... did he mean to lead you on? If he didn't mean to... then he needs to be more careful. Infatuation and love does not pay attention to caste restrictions (or much of anything for that matter).

In regards to your customs... it would be best for you and your heart especially if you focus more on those who are available within your own caste. Eventually your heart will find someone you like.

In the meantime... you may need to talk with him less... or if it hurts too much to do so... don't talk with him at all. This won't stop the hurt... but it will help you to get over him. Try to keep yourself busy... have friends help you while you go through all of this.

[lifeishard]

thank you aeradalia ...
I will try to follow your advice . I know love has no caste barriers and I would break all only if he was with me. Somewhere I believe that he also likes me ,but he would never say that,he is too strict with his decision. It's ok I will never force him once ,I think I have already made him worried about me by crying.I want to see him happy. But I think that I will never be able to love anyone else so much ,moreover we all have to marry one day you can't escape in indian society, will I be able to do justice with my partner?
Should I tell him about my past or should I not?
Do I have to feel guilty for what happened?
I was attached to him emotionally?
I couldn't help it.
Please tell me.

[Aeradalia]

But I think that I will never be able to love anyone else so much

The heart is an amazing thing... no matter how much abuse it endures... it never looses its ability to love. Not only that... but it never looses it's capacity to love... in that you will one day be able to love another just as much if not more. It will take time to heal... and even more time to cross paths with another that makes your heart leap, but it can and will happen.

moreover we all have to marry one day you can't escape in indian society, will I be able to do justice with my partner?

There is a chance you could do justice with your partner... as by the time you are married, enough time may have passed for your heart to have healed and be able to love another.

Should I tell him about my past or should I not?

It's up to you if you should tell him about your past or not. Take into account your customs... would it be wise to tell him? If he asks, then sure, tell him. But if he does not, then depending on your customs... you may not have to tell him.

Do I have to feel guilty for what happened?

I do not know your customs... but generally speaking... you shouldn't have to feel guilty about what has happened. Just learn from it... and in the future try to stay within your own caste --- for your heart's sake.

I was attached to him emotionally?

Yes, you were attached to him emotionally.. it happens. You can't control how you feel... but... you can control your actions. You can choose to pursue someone... or... you can choose to let them go. The heart can be quite persuasive.. but this doesn't mean you have to listen to it.


Life will bring you love once again.. and in time... you may find that this love was pale in comparison to the love you have later on.

[carl1222]

Wait a second ... we seem to have two things going on here ... the caste problem, and something in your past that you don't want him to know. If there is someway to save this from the caste problem, then i respectfully disagree with aeradalia that "It's up to you if you should tell him about your past or not." if your past is important in your culture for him to know. This is not NJ or Dallas, Aukland or Liverpool ... and the rules for these places don't apply.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Wait a second ... we seem to have two things going on here ... the caste problem, and something in your past that you don't want him to know. If there is someway to save this from the caste problem, then i respectfully disagree with aeradalia that "It's up to you if you should tell him about your past or not." if your past is important in your culture for him to know. This is not NJ or Dallas, Aukland or Liverpool ... and the rules for these places don't apply.

Carl.

She was talking about her future husband in the context of which I was responding to... curious if she should discuss this emotional connection with someone outside her caste with her future husband. ..

[lifeishard]

thank you so much aeradalia.
I think you really understand what I am through and my feelings.I actually am not able to accept what happened because I always thought that I would only have one love in my life who would know everything about me and no one else in my life. I think i need time . Can I ask you for a favour ?
Would you reply to my post if I feel depressed or I have a problem?
Please..... I found a friend in you. Thank you so much.

[lifeishard]

And yes Carl I was talking about my future husband not the present boy.Thank you also for posting your replies.
We were aware of our caste distinctions but I guess our heart was not. Or may be my heart was not.He also said one more thing which makes me think..."I lose a gem".

[lifeishard]

Aeradalia, I belong to a typical indian family where arranged marriage is a custom. And I will have to marry to a person whom I don't know.So please tell me in that case will I not long for my lost love?

[Aeradalia]

I actually am not able to accept what happened because I always thought that I would only have one love in my life who would know everything about me and no one else in my life.

Would you reply to my post if I feel depressed or I have a problem?

Life would be horribly cruel if there were only one person for us. Imagine what would happen if there was only ont peron in life for you and they died unexpectedly.... then you would have to spend the rest of your life alone. However, this isn't seen... widows remarry... the broken-hearted find love again. Why? Because there isn't 'one' person for you... Your heart is capable of loving again...

I will try my best to post when I can. However, there are plenty of other friendly people on this forum as well.

We were aware of our caste distinctions but I guess our heart was not. Or may be my heart was not.He also said one more thing which makes me think..."I lose a gem".

It's sad to part ways... but sometimes you have to. Try to focus on staying busy... being with friends and family as they help you through this. In time, it will hurt less and less.

Aeradalia, I belong to a typical indian family where arranged marriage is a custom. And I will have to marry to a person whom I don't know.So please tell me in that case will I not long for my lost love?

Cannot always be sure of what the future may bring. However, there will be other loves in the future... so you will not have missed your only chance to be loved.

In your customs, would it be possible for you to take interest in a man within your caste and have yours and his family negotiate towards marriage between you? If you can do this, then it is possible to fall in love with another who is in your caste and then have a marriage arranged between you two. If not, then love may develop between you and your future husband --- but such things are never certain.

[lifeishard]

I feel no spark in life now,nothing seems good, Iit looks as if I have no aim left in life?
Can I do something to inspire myself or feel good?

[Aeradalia]

I feel no spark in life now,nothing seems good, Iit looks as if I have no aim left in life?
Can I do something to inspire myself or feel good?

People go through how you feel everyday... they love someone.. break up... go through heartache... hurt while their heart heals... and weeks or months later... the pain goes away... and then eventually they find someone else that makes them feel special, cared for, and loved.

You have to believe that you will find love again. Love is not as hard to find as you would think. It's not finding love that's the problem... it's keeping it going once you do find it.

For a few weeks... maybe even a couple months... you will feel very sad, your thoughts will follow into memories and dreams you had... but if you stay active --- find things to do... eventually your sadness will fade, the memories won't bother you anymore... and life will seem new and full of possibilities once more. It will take time... you have to believe you will make it through all of this... and then in time, you will.

[lifeishard]

though he he said that he never thought in that way, but why do I feel that he also likes me .
Last time when I told him about my feelings, he made me promise that I should never cry, and he said " believe me or not my eyes are...."
this makes me think that he also has some feelings for me.
Am I right?
I feel I can see that in his eyes.

[Aeradalia]

Whether he has feelings for you or not... this is something you needn't concern yourself with if you are to give your heart a chance to heal.

You know that you two will not have a future together... so it will only bring you pain if you try to find out if he really liked you... if he wanted a future with you... what could've happened... etc.

Instead, you need to think about what your friends are up to... taking on new hobbies --- keeping yourself occupied. Try to not think about him... or think very little about him.