Will this boy ever grow up???

[yerana]

I am dating this guy in his late 30's. He has no car (not a huge deal), is always complaining about being broke, although he works full time. He hardly ever pays for my meal when we go out-sometimes I end up paying for us both. He has been overdrawn twice (at least that he admitted to me) in the few months I've known him. He has no heat in his apartment because its been cut off for a few years (!). He tells me his credit sucks...He has no assets. He also says he has major school debt and creditors after him all the time. I'm worried that if I stay with him I will end up wearing the pants and that does not appeal to me at all.

On one of our first dates he looked out the window at two pretty girls outside. When I asked him what he was looking at, he said "two well-dressed girls....{pause}...but you are the prettiest thing in front of me." He almost said it as if he had to, since I caught him-I mean we had just started dating and he did this! At other times he seems so sweet and tells me I am the girl he has been looking for all his life. He talks about wanting a serious relationship, but sometimes I wonder if he is even ready for that. By the way, he pined after me for 10 years before finally getting me! Maybe it was the thrill of the catch that is now over and he is disappointed.

I will text him and sometimes he doesn't return the text until days later-if at all. I would think that if you really liked someone they would respond in a more timely manner, right? Am I asking too much of him? He is the one who said he wanted something serious with me. So I give him serious. Maybe my idea of "serious" is way off.

Is this guy just way too immature? Am I being too needy? Should I even be interested in a guy who doesn't seem to want to be the supporting type, when that is what I am looking for? I mean, I'm all for equality in the relationship financially, but when it is so one-sided, I'm not so sure. I pride myself on not being judgmental of people, but I'm just wondering if I am headed down the wrong path with this guy. In other ways, we seem like soul-mates. We are so similar and have a lot of the same interests. He is really attractive and I've never had such a cute boyfriend. I really admire him in many ways. He is smart, funny, and talented.

Another issue is that he will be going out-of-state in a few weeks for almost a year to do a training program. Why would he consider this if he wanted to be with me?

What's the deal here? Is he still in "boy" mode? I keep hoping I'll see glimmers of "responsible man", but I just don't see 'em. Sigh...I guess my romantic notion of "true love" was a big joke. I should have known better than to have dreams (i.e. expectations) and to impose them upon this poor guy. He doesn't seem ready to settle down yet.

[Naples]

>>I am dating this guy in his late 30's. He has no car (not a huge deal), is always complaining about being broke, although he works full time. He hardly ever pays for my meal when we go out-sometimes I end up paying for us both. He has been overdrawn twice<<

Sorry I stopped reading. No need to go further. So you break up with him and find a man who is worth a damn.

[alovehangoverr]

>>I am dating this guy in his late 30's. He has no car (not a huge deal), is always complaining about being broke, although he works full time. He hardly ever pays for my meal when we go out-sometimes I end up paying for us both. He has been overdrawn twice<<

Sorry I stopped reading. No need to go further. So you break up with him and find a man who is worth a damn.

Agreed.

There's nothing attractive about a grown man being unable to support himself. Having creditors after him all the time? What a life. And it's what you'd be signing yourself up for if you decide to stay with him/take things further. If he can't support himself, he can't support you. His problems will become your problems. It's just bad news.

[doppelgaenger]

Hey, nincompoop, why don't you just stop dating him? No really, it's that simple. Anyone with a decently sized brain would have figured that out by now. Maybe this is a troll... just ****in' stupid.

[yerana]

Thanks for your replies everyone...

I am not a troll. I agree that I do sound pretty stupid for staying this long. I am really just now getting to know who he really is. Unfortunately I developed feelings for him before I got to know him well enough. We liked each other for a long,long time but we lived in different states and sometimes even different countries! We got in touch a few months ago. I guess I was hoping he would have grown up a bit by now. We do have an amazing connection-like I've never had with anyone before-- but that connection is maybe not enough to sustain a relationship. I guess I knew the answer all the time, but it was nice to hear it from others, just to make sure I wasn't just being shallow.

[Lonely Island]

Dump his sorry ass

[vashti]

I wouldn't pride yourself quite so much in being non-judgemental. That is just a PC trapping that makes nice people feel guilty for having expectations of other people. You SHOULD be able to make judgements about certain things. I am able to judge that a middle-aged guy with a lot of financial problems, no car, and a bunch of debtors after him is not a good catch. You should strive for not feeling guilty for being able to see the obvious.

[misombra]

good gawd. this guy is a loser. there is no excuse for all that except that he is lazy and unmotivated. i don't know about you but those things are definite deal breakers for me.

[yerana]

Wow! Based on all the responses I really think there must be something wrong with my judgment for not getting rid of him sooner. I guess I kept hoping there would be other redeeming qualities that would make up for it. I am learning some life lessons now, I think. True love is not something you "feel" at first glance...it is something you earn over time. This guy is just not earning my respect.

[Junket]

Dude what a loser.

I'm a much better catch than him and I'm not even rich, college educated or "successful".

[alhdragon]

I have a ex friend who is the same way I had to end that friendship I did think he was gonna change but he was way to stubborn but I know what you mean complains about being broke but doesn't pay for a thing.

[yerana]

Dude what a loser.

I'm a much better catch than him and I'm not even rich, college educated or "successful".

Haha...yeah, you are right! What was I thinking???

[Illusional]

don't you really mean to ask us why you are dating this loser?? anyone who is always broke all the time and only bitching about it deserves to be treated like a damn child.

raverboy

[Gigabitch]

Where are your girlfriends in all of this? They should have had an intervention for you by now.

Look, we've all dated chodes at one time or another. I remember one of my girlfriends hopping about in my kitchen with a red tea towel yelling. "RED FLAG" because I just couldn't see that the guy I was messing around with was completely unworthy. There's no shame in it if you do something about it as soon as you realize he's not qualified to date you. I think you've reached this point.

Life is too short to spend it with someone that works the ragged end of your very last nerve. Why are you dating this guy, anyway? Is he yummy-looking? Good in bed? What?

[yerana]

Gigabitch,

Haha..you hit the nail on the head! He is really "yummy" and great in bed. Honestly, those must really be the reasons I am still with him. I have liked him for 15 years, but was always in another relationship, or he was. When we finally got together, of course there were fireworks. But now the reality of who he really is is starting to set in. I had been in a loveless-sexually -deprived marriage for a long time, so maybe this was just wishful thinking that he might be "the one". I'm really giving up on this childish notion of romance now. I can't believe I was so duped by all those "Disney" shows when I was a kid. Blech!!!

I think that if he wanted a good future for his SO he would have been trying to develop a career and have some savings, etc. He is just bad news, I guess.