Everything feels like a big mess!

[rose36]

I have been seeing my ex bf for several months now. He told his gf about me and that he wants to see both of us. He also told her that if she didn't like it he would still continue to see me.

At the time it didn't bother me that he had a gf because I honestly didn't know how I felt about him other than enjoying his company. Also, I wasn't ready to make any commitments to him.

And I knew from both of them the nature and magnitude of their problems. Now my feelings are a bit stronger but I don't feel jealous of the gf.

My gut feeling last night and after talking to her today is that everything is falling apart between them partly because of her unhappiness at him for continuing to see me. What to do? It feels like chaos here! Need feedback.

[Lite]

So, basically you have such low morals that you will not respect the fact that he was already in a relationship before rekindling yours, that you think this kind of behavior is OK.

Pretty much, you're the other woman wrecking a relationship because you don't have the balls to stand up for yourself, and what is right.

[SexySam]

wow.. you allowed yourself to get into a world of trouble when you started the relationship knowing full well there was someone else.. now you have to just "man up" if you will and do what you know is right, and walk away..

[1sxybtch]

it sounds like your ex wants to have his cake and eat it, too... it would be one thing if you all agreed that none of the relationships were serious and you were just dating... but it doesn't sound like that's the case. just because he admits he's cheating doesn't make it not cheating. the reality of it is, you all need to decide what is acceptable to you in the relationship and walk away if those standards are not being met.

[rose36]

That's not accurate. He gave 100% faithfully to trying to fix the relationship for many years but time and time again nothing worked. She told me the same thing. The problem was that they loved each other too much to walk away even with a failing relationship. The one thing they did have was a good friendship. My ex contacted me after all attempts at making the relationship work with the gf failed. He felt that he is polyamourous and I felt that in myself as well. Out idea was for the 3 of us to be polyamourous. But with no sex between me and the gf which I have no interest in. But we would become very close otherwise.

[alovehangoverr]

That's not accurate. He gave 100% faithfully to trying to fix the relationship for many years but time and time again nothing worked. She told me the same thing. The problem was that they loved each other too much to walk away even with a failing relationship. The one thing they did have was a good friendship. My ex contacted me after all attempts at making the relationship work with the gf failed. He felt that he is polyamourous and I felt that in myself as well. Out idea was for the 3 of us to be polyamourous. But with no sex between me and the gf which I have no interest in. But we would become very close otherwise.

So.. why not leave the failing relationship completely? I understand they have love for each other, but if it's not working it's time they both move on. However, you contradicted yourself here-- you say that they had all these other issues, yet a big one for his current girlfriend is the fact that you're involved.. so.. regardless of other issues, YOU are now the issue.

As for your "idea," clearly that's not working out. This decision has caused nothing but issues and you haven't become close and comfortable with his girl and with him. As for his idea of polyamourous.. it sounds more like he was tired of issues in his current relationship and branched out to you, a former relationship. The fact that he straight up told her "I don't care if you're not ok with this, I'm going to do it anyway," is just ridiculous to me. Sorry to say but your boyfriend is a dick. Imagine being in a committed monogamous relationship with him [shouldn't be hard since you were once and it failed] and then imagine him telling you "oh hey, I'm going to get with my ex and continue my relationship with you-- if you're not down with it, too bad. You either deal with it or leave." Really great options.

My advice? Get yourself out of this situation. Have some respect for yourself and some respect for her. Clearly their relationship isn't working out and instead of being an added issue back off and let them figure things out. His attempt at polyamoury is going to fail because in order to carry on a relationship like that all parties involved have to be on board-- not just his selfish ass.

[Lite]

That's not accurate. He gave 100% faithfully to trying to fix the relationship for many years but time and time again nothing worked. She told me the same thing. The problem was that they loved each other too much to walk away even with a failing relationship. The one thing they did have was a good friendship. My ex contacted me after all attempts at making the relationship work with the gf failed. He felt that he is polyamourous and I felt that in myself as well. Out idea was for the 3 of us to be polyamourous. But with no sex between me and the gf which I have no interest in. But we would become very close otherwise.

You know the funny thing about Poly folk? They tend to be fundamentally screwed up emotionally. But, the funny thing is you didn't state this up front about the relationship.

But yeah, good luck with that, and your trust issues, and your emotional needs issues, and all the wonderful things that make you the hugely screwed up individual you are today!

[bluesummer]

So basically, both of you are letting this man use you. Nice. I think I remember you posting about this before.

I have a couple of thoughts about women who get involved with men that are already in relationships (good or bad): one, they're extremely selfish. Two, they're extremely insecure.

If you had any self worth, you'd stop seeing this man until he'd OFFICIALLY ended it with his current gf. I don't care how many problems they have. Your presence is probably making their problems worse, and I'm sure that that doesn't bother you in the least, which is awful. I don't think I have to go into detail about what a ****tard I think this guy is, either.

[rose36]

It's over! I thought about what you people said and you are right it just wasn't right. I already knew this in my gut but must have needed to hear it. Anyway, I ended it and walked away. I am feeling great relief more than anything else. I feel that I have my dignity back.