How to best handle ex's rebound relationship?

[ugh80]

My GF and I recently took a break after a year. It was mutual and overall we had a pretty great relationship and the break went as well as it could have. We agreed we both wanted to remain best friends but no more than a couple weeks after our breakup she started spending a lot of time with a coworker and am quite sure it became physical.

I've finally gotten over the fact that the situation is out of my control and we're planning on hanging out again. I'd love to, but I'm worried it's just going to make it harder on me than it already is by missing our relationship and knowing that she's probably going home to him in the end. I really don't know what she's doing with this guy, and I'm not sure she knows either, but my only guess is it's a rebound relationship. Is it possible to just be friends with her or should I let her ride out this relationship until she figures out what exactly she's doing??

[IndiReloaded]

You have no choice but to 'let her' ride out her current BF, regardless.

Whether you want to be involved in the process or not is a personal preference. My opinion is that you should not give her the benefit of your friendship (read: emotional support) without benefit to yourself (sex & companionship). Otherwise, you are just giving her the best of both & she has little incentive to break up with this fellow.

Being her 'friend' during this time will only prolong her time to breakup and your pain also. Seems a no-brainer to me.

[ugh80]

Thanks, I wish it was a no-brainer.

The other things making it difficult are 1) she battles depression, she's having a really tough time with it right now and I'd love to be able to support her and 2) we both find ourselves at a point in our lives without many friends around and really value each other's companionship. If I had more friends to go out with and take my mind off this I'm sure it'd make this much easier but I'm kinda on my own here.

[Gigabitch]

Yet another example of why I believe that people CAN'T be friends with their ex.

[IndiReloaded]

The other things making it difficult are 1) she battles depression, she's having a really tough time with it right now and I'd love to be able to support her

Awww, want to rescue her? That is sweet.

This is her *boyfriends* job. You are just looking for excuses to stick around her.

You are becoming her emotional tampon. Without any benefits. And she is quite happy to get attention from *both* of you. But if it makes you feel helpful, go for it, eyes wide shut. You may want to read the Sticky on this site called "White Knight" syndrome tho.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

[Cain]

You're looking for any excuse you can to stick around. It's normal. It happens. I've done it and I'm sure most here have done it at some time or another. You are so used to that person being in your life that you're willing to accept something that you shouldn't accept in order to be around her.

This is hard on you. You want her back. You can't be friends with her and you need to realize that.

[Cbrider]

You're looking for any excuse you can to stick around. It's normal. It happens. I've done it and I'm sure most here have done it at some time or another. You are so used to that person being in your life that you're willing to accept something that you shouldn't accept in order to be around her.

This is hard on you. You want her back. You can't be friends with her and you need to realize that.

Cain really couldn't have summed this up better.

You need to understand that this girl is an adult and should be expected to take care of herself. Don't hold her hand or offer it, she made a choice and needs to deal with the consequences.

My ex did the same thing, granted our break up was far from clean. When you finally step away you will see how broken that person is and have no problem cutting ties. Its not abandonment, its just a matter of taking care of yourself first.

Depression is a nasty thing, but believe me I have been there and people trying to help you does next to nothing. You need professional help first to repair the damage before your family/friends can have any impact.

[ugh80]

You guys have been telling me all the things I never wanted to admit to myself... it really, really sucks, but I guess she hasn't left me with much of a choice.

I think I'm going to tell her next week that despite wishing I could be there for her, her breaking my heart, and then stepping on it, and hoping to be close friends is just wrong. I don't think I can see her anytime soon, I'm debating keeping the email channel open or just cutting off all ties completely. I can probably guess most of your answers but what do you think?

[925esahc]

ugh80.. this sounds like what im going through right now. Except I was with my gf for almost 4 years and it wasnt mutual, she broke up with me. After a couple of months its become easier, we email occasionally, talk on the phone every once in a while and I have even hung out with her twice. Its not as easy as everyone says to cut all ties, so I just didnt do it (plus, yes im trying to get her back, but thats another long story). Plus, we have opened up a somewhat normal line of communication. I understand the above comments, but I have to respectfully disagree. Why would you want to stop communicating with her if your trying to get back with her? Who gives a shit about this supposed BF... remember 95% of rebounds dont work out. Shes using him to fill that empty void, just like you said if you had friends it would be easier. Its temporary and she probably knows that subconsciously, so you need to stay in the picture. Just my opinion.

[925esahc]

I was assuming you were trying to get back with her, but you didnt say that in your post. My bad.

[vicky]

Yes love burns.

[12many]

i agree with what everyone has said.

If i was you, I would stay away from her fro awhile because you know that she's going to be chillin with another guy after you chill with her. I think that would make it hard for you knowing that she already has someone (maybe) that will take her. It would be hard to see an ex right after the break up, with another guy just like that.

That's just my opinion.

[The Godfather]

Why would you want to stop communicating with her if your trying to get back with her? Who gives a shit about this supposed BF... remember 95% of rebounds don't work out. Shes using him to fill that empty void, just like you said if you had friends it would be easier. Its temporary and she probably knows that subconsciously, so you need to stay in the picture. Just my opinion.

I used to think like this as well. It is probably true that she is using her rebound to fill the empty void, but that doesn't mean that being her buddy will make her rethink things with you. The truth is in fact, very counter intuitive.

Whenever I have tried to become friends with an ex, the friendship didn't work out, or that's all we ever became. Friends. On the other hand, when I forgot them, and worked on myself, it always seemed like they would eventually come find me and ask for another chance. Messed up? Maybe. Hard to argue with results, though.

[sunflwr23]

It sounds like to me that she is trying to fill the void you left in her life. If she doesn't really seem to know what she's doing with this guy and it happened after you two broke up. I'd imagine she's just playing the field a bit (not to replace you) but to make it easier on herself for what she's missing. My boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago and he is seeing some girl and it hurts like hell but I know it's not serious and I've been hanging out with/seeing a couple of guys and I have fun with them and enjoy their company and the attention I get, but it doesn't replace the feelings have towards my ex. They're just a fling to occupy time and get my mind off things (they know this too-i'm not pretending it's any more) I remind myself he probably feels the same with the girl he's seeing. SO maybe she's in that place-

Your best bet is to let her see that this new guy can't replace you or make her feel the same as you did, or give her the support you did. Just trust that if she still cares she needs to learn it on her own and by hanging out with this guy she may learn to appreciate what she had with you