Learned some things -- accidentally -- about my wife's previous sex life

[CrashDavis89]

I think I responded to the wrong message when I talked about not being "ruthless"; Gigabitch had asked me if I lied to my wife . .my response was aimed at that question . . .sorry, I am still new in here.

[CrashDavis89]

Gigabitch . . .I hope I don't come across as trying to create a certain impression or paint the wrong picture . . .I'm trying to present the info I have, and really want to leave my emotional response out of it . .which is hard . . . because I don't want to respond emotionally if it would make things worse

[Gigabitch]

No, I'm sure Indi got it. She's a smart cookie, that one.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, not to worry, I understood.

Terminal honesty is >> lying weasel any day.

But, wasn't this all before you got married? Lots of people have pretty wild pasts before they tied the knot. Are you worried about ancient history, even if she didn't fess up all?

[CrashDavis89]

I am have had a suspicion for a long time that she cheated on my during a trip to Hilton Head after we got engaged, a few months before the wedding . . . I guess information that confirms that she lied about other sex topics we discussed leads me to believe that her sex life/conduct is not always something she feels comfortable being honest about. Further, if she did cheat in S.C. she knows I would probably distrust some of her most adored family members too, as I am fairly certain some of them covered it up.

[Sylbra]

All I wanted to know was whether you were looking for something, deliberately, b/c things are rocky in your marriage.



LOL. Well, I suppose you could ask her opinion about cheaters, generally in a conversation. See where that takes you. Sometimes, a very good way of dealing with people is to make a general statement & let them fill in the blanks. Often, people will give themselves to you if you are patient and have the ability to avoid sticking your own foot in your mouth during the silent periods.

You are wise, that is good advice.
Personally, I wouldn't have read the journal once I realized what it was. And I would have asked my partner if she wanted to keep it, because most people do choose to keep their life journals. It's not just junk, IMHO.

[Gigabitch]

Further, if she did cheat in S.C. she knows I would probably distrust some of her most adored family members too, as I am fairly certain some of them covered it up.

You can't fault them for being loyal to her. It's just how it works. It sucks, but it's how it works.

Okay, are we looking at a "sin of omission", here, or a look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie kind of lie?

[IndiReloaded]

^This

And are you willing to go through with a divorce if it turns out she/they actually lied to you? Do you have kids?

One should only pursue that which you are prepared to take the fallout for. Not to dissuade you at all from your ethics, just make sure you have thought out your responses to their conclusion.

[Sylbra]

Yes, not to worry, I understood.

Terminal honesty is >> lying weasel any day.

But, wasn't this all before you got married? Lots of people have pretty wild pasts before they tied the knot. Are you worried about ancient history, even if she didn't fess up all?

God forbid I should have a boyfriend who wanted to know every detail of my past sex lives!!!

[CrashDavis89]

We are talking about a "look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie-I-swear-to-God" lie; I would probably not want a divorce, because we do have a kid. It would be much better for our relationship to have this out in the open and discuss things honestly. I will take the honesty any day and opt for a relationship based on that. Regarding it being "obvious" that is was a journal . .it wasn't . .she had recipte and work-out schedules and phone numbers all kinds of stuff scribble throughout. My wife is an inveterate note taker whenever it strikes here and is not above multitasking, even in a journal. She is quite devoted to healthy eating, exercise and doing nine things at once, so I wanted to make sure I didn't throw out anything she might need. I am quite certain she forget the journal was in there when she said "honey, just look through that stuff . .you know how I am"

[IndiReloaded]

You are wise, that is good advice.]

Thanks. Its not that complicated, tho. Most people are well-intentioned at heart. Getting at the truth is pretty simple when it comes right down to it.

[IndiReloaded]

Try what I said (ask her about cheating, generally). Go rent that movie with Richard Gere where his wife cheats, forgot the name. See what you ping.

How able are you to just close the mental door on this issue? Could you do it, for the sake of your family?

EDIT - the movie is called "Unfaithful".

[CrashDavis89]

Unfaithful and Indecent Proposal are two of her favorite movies. She said it was pretty easy to understand how Demi Moore fell for Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal after he "bought her that gorgeous dress."

[IndiReloaded]

Great, so watch and have that conversation. Decide if you want to bring the journal up then or make an appointment with a counsellor. Is your wife the type to freak out if confronted? If so, maybe you want to bring it up with a 3rd party.

If I found out my husband had cheated on me before we were married (esp with STD, etc), even now after all these years, there would be hell to pay.

Do you love your wife?

[CrashDavis89]

Sometimes she freaks out and usually says she feels she is being attacked and then goes on the attack herself. I also know from her journal she used to see a counselor for anxiety attacks; I'm not sure it was a positive experience for her, as any time I mention counseling she is quite averse to the suggestion