Learned some things -- accidentally -- about my wife's previous sex life

[Illusional]

what would you do if she admit that she cheated on you but promise not to do it again?

kick her in her stomach to make sure that she remembers this promise.

raverboy

[Lite]

kick her in her stomach to make sure that she remembers this promise.

raverboy

**** that, kick her ass to the curb and make sure everyone knows she's the village bicycle. "Take off and nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure."

Of course, this really depends upon how she cheated, how many times, etc... But mostly I consider it a good way for the person to show you how much they care about your health if they've slept with you since they cheated.

[Cbrider]

I don't think you can be happy or put your mind at ease until you know the truth. I know if it was me, I would lose sleep over it....honesty is everything for me.

You weren't snooping, she not only gave you permission but asked you to look through that stuff.

Like Indi said, think carefully how you are going to go about this, but you DO have a right to know, especially since not only was your health potentially at risk, but trust may have been broken.

[Lite]

especially since not only was your health potentially at risk, but trust may have been broken.

Or, you could be pro-active and just go get yourself tested now... LOL

[vashti]

Did this guy ever say how long they were married? I mean, if they were married 20 years, and he just found out his wife had a one-nighter before they were married, but she's been faithful ever since, i think that is a little bit different than if they were married for a year.

[CrashDavis89]

Hi, I'm theguy who posted the question . . . my wife and I have been married a little over five years . . .my suspicion of infidelity emergad after we were engaged, about a year before we got married. I asked her point blank and she said no . . . however, now that it is clear she has lied about other things in the past, I now suspect she lied about cheating as well.

[vashti]

Do you suspect she has cheated since you married, or is this all about something that happened 6 years ago? (Sorry, you may have adressed this already - I didn't read all these responses.)

[PussyCatDoll]

OP, have you spoken to her yet?

[Illusional]

bring it up with her and open up the can of worms!!

raverboy

[Gigabitch]

I talked to my husband about this . I wanted his perspective, since he got busted lying about the same thing twice and it was a lie about his sexual history. I was thinking he might have some sympathy for your wife, having been in a similar position.

Nope.

He thinks you should calmly lay the journal down in front of her and ask for an explanation. I told him that she's likely to get all emo about it, and he stressed the importance of staying on topic and keeping very, very calm so she has nothing to react to aside from her own guilt. He thinks she'll feel better when she gets the truth out in the open.

I was surprised. I didn't realize he had learned that lesson so thoroughly.

[CrashDavis89]

the journal. We were in the car, and we weren't even on the topic. We had just dropped my son off for a play date and had to do some errands. She pauses for a while and says . . ."I know something is bothering you . . .I think it's something I did . . . so what is on your mind?"

So I opened up the can by asking her why she never told me she had dated a guy with an STD six months before we started dating. At first she denied it, then I brought up the journal, explaining how I had gone through it, as she had requested, to make sure I didn't throw anything out that I shouldn't. Since I didn't have the journal in front of me, I had to recall from memory, but my description of the passage was enough to get her to admit that yes, she had been with a man who had an STD, and that she didn't tell me because once she knew we were going to get married that she was afraid that a) I would think she was a slut, and b) would break off the engagement.

Then she got very emotional and cried a lot and said she had done a lot of things in the past she was ashamed of . . . and had avoided talking too much about her sexual past because of what I might think. I told her, once we got engaged and/or were having an intimate relationship, she should have told me, out of fairness to me.

She said to me, ask me anything you want now, since we are trying to get everything out in the open. So I asked her if she had an affair after we got engaged. I laid out the things that made me think she had. She said that she did not have an affair . .. she did admit that she had been out drinking most nights with a female cousin, yes she had gotten drunk, yes she knows she flirts and can be very suggestive when she drinks (she had done this in front of me with other men on a few occasions prior) and that yes, on one evening she was flirting very heavily with a guy and he was trying to get her to come back to his hotel. She said she didn't and came home at about 3 AM (and called me from her hotel room).

She said she had been honest it answering all my questions and knew now that trust was an issue and asked if I thought we could move on, get past it, and stay married.

[vashti]

Unless she actually contracted the STD and gave it to you knowingly, and because you do not suspect she has cheated since you married, then this whole thing sounds like much ado about nothing. I hope you can let it go.

[CrashDavis89]

My wife said she was happy we had the conversation, and that it established a commitment to honesty going forward, which I think is a good thing for our marriage.

She also asked that I be supportive of her, because she does want to go see a counselor. She told me that she is still concerned about some aspects of her "Sexual Psyche" as she calls it, and wants to address some things she is concerned about.

[IndiReloaded]

Tada! Honesty wins!

So, she's fessed up, she's sorry, she's been completely open with you.

How do you feel about all this? And are you satisfied enough to move on without resentment?

[IndiReloaded]

She told me that she is still concerned about some aspects of her "Sexual Psyche" as she calls it, and wants to address some things she is concerned about.

Most husbands would be thrilled that their wives even considering having a 'sexual psyche'. Sound like she was a bit of an animal in her youth, you actually find this a problem in a monogamous marriage? Sounds like an opportunity to mine, to me.