Learned some things -- accidentally -- about my wife's previous sex life

[CrashDavis89]

Apparently, this term was introduced by a therapist she saw about a year or so before we started dating. Based on what my wife told me, her "sexual psyche" is the part of her psyche that derives a sense of self worth from having men flirt with her or express an interest in her sexually.

She told me that when she used to have a bad day at work in her single days, she would go out and if men flirted with her or took her home she felt better about herself. She confessed that lately (the last 6 months) she has been drifting toward wanting that kind of validation from other men, and that she flirted with a guy at a sales meeting in January of this year and had been thinking about going back to his room. In her words, she said "I didn't cheat honey, but I was thinking about it, that it might make me feel better about myself"; then she explained how this had been part of her sexual psyche. So that is what she is concerned about and why she wants to see a counselor; she wants to see the counselor alone first but eventually wants us to go together.

[IndiReloaded]

So? Unless its taken to an extreme that sounds like normal female behaviour.

Bullshit, useless psych term. What else is new? What's the solution, tho, can he/she help with that? The term itself solves nothing & doesn't help with understanding. Not to mention the fact its damned obvious.

Why don't YOU just satisfy her 'sexual psyche' yourself? Sounds like a golden opportunity, bud, if you are a hot-blooded male. Tell her she's hot and sexy, see what kind of response you get. Couldn't hurt for getting your relationship back on track either.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, so we're focusing on her issues, which is good, because they're a huge part of the problem, but it's not the whole problem. Another huge part, which will require it's own significant amount of undivided attention, is the LYING. This is a different issue, and shouldn't be lost completely as you delve into the murky ocean of Her Problems.

I hope that you insist on getting to a counselor at some point soon. You have relationship problems, and as much as she tries to make it all about her "sexual psyche" or whatever the hell her next counselor comes up with, she needs to deal with them or you two aren't going to make it.

Was there any remorse to be seen for lying to your face or for her recent contemplation of cheating? Was there an assumption on her part that because the nature of her motivations were psychological and probably driven by unconscious impulses, she didn't have to take responsibility for them?

Does she understand that she did you an injustice?

[Mish]

This woman sounds like a powder keg of insecurity ready to explode. She is insecure about telling the truth because it might end the relationship. She is insecure about her general appeal, attractiveness and self so she seeks validation from other men to fill that hole. It's good that she recognizes that, but what does that mean for your relationship? At which point do you say, 'Honey I understand that you feel insecure, but you feeling insecure makes me feel insecure about us'? I think there needs to be some kind of a mutual recognition that this is something that can sink the relationship and some serious steps need to be taken to address and resolve her issues.

[CrashDavis89]

We both wanted to move forward, to feel like we were trying to preserve our relationship rather than declare everything over . . . I guess in agreeing to do that, she feels exhonorated from any responsibility for her actions . . . she is typically contrite and very sorry to get me to agree to 'move on' and then uses that as a justification not to discuss anything again.

[IndiReloaded]

Sometimes, when my son does something of dubious merit, I ask him what kind of consequence *he* feels would be suitable for the situation.

Usually, he chooses something tougher than I would have. But so long as its not completely unreasonable, I usually let his choice of conscience stand.

Perhaps you could arrange something similar? Guilt is a really overrated concept, its mostly an energy-waster. Little good comes of it. Better to move past it asap.

[Mish]

I think there has to be a consistent, committed effort on her behalf to resolve her insecurities. I think therapy is a good start, so it's a good thing she is planning to see a counselor. The emphasis should be on, 'how do we make sure you don't feel the need for that type of validation in the future'.

[IndiReloaded]

If she's been faithful these years since, doesn't that seem like the wrong issue?

I'd want to know why she doesn't feel she can trust her husband to love her.

[Mish]

If she's been faithful these years since, doesn't that seem like the wrong issue?

A random girl I had a one night stand with a few years back had been faithful to her bf for many years as well (she told me after it happened). It proved to me once and for all that the line between validation seeking and cheating is almost non existent.

[oneiron]

Apparently, this term was introduced by a therapist she saw about a year or so before we started dating. Based on what my wife told me, her "sexual psyche" is the part of her psyche that derives a sense of self worth from having men flirt with her or express an interest in her sexually.

She told me that when she used to have a bad day at work in her single days, she would go out and if men flirted with her or took her home she felt better about herself. She confessed that lately (the last 6 months) she has been drifting toward wanting that kind of validation from other men, and that she flirted with a guy at a sales meeting in January of this year and had been thinking about going back to his room. In her words, she said "I didn't cheat honey, but I was thinking about it, that it might make me feel better about myself"; then she explained how this had been part of her sexual psyche. So that is what she is concerned about and why she wants to see a counselor; she wants to see the counselor alone first but eventually wants us to go together.

This would not have come out but for you finding the journal. You are a very forgiving person.

[CrashDavis89]

And everyone, especially the people we love, is a combination of good and bad. I love my wife deeply, and was never truly 'in love' until I met her.

Did I know about some of these aspects of her personality and behavior before we married? Some, yes . . .but quite frankly I thought they were simply extensions of personality traits I found appealing.

Am I willing to move on . .of course . . .I love my wife and my marriage is worth saving. But knowing that she lied about her past sex life, and lovers that she was involved fairly close to when we started dating (within six months) still leaves me uneasy. She demands honest from me and has always viewed it as critical to the longevity of our marriage . .yet she seems selective in her own application of that rule. I guess that bothers me. Also, she is certainly willing to try new things between us sexually to keep things fresh, and believes in discussion in that regard . . .but when I want honesty about sexual topics, she is selective. I guess the disparity bothers me.

[vashti]

Quite honestly, I don't believe her sex life before you were together is any of your business. Unless you were under the impression she was a virgin, or unless she had an STD, or if she was a prostitute, those aspects of her life should be off limits unless she carried those behaviors over into your married life.

[misombra]

she probably didn't tell you about the past stuff because she is embarassed about it or thinks you'll hold it against her if she does. people do not like to be judged by stuff that happened far in the past if they've otherwise been good. as far as the almost cheating thing, well i think that happens to every couple that's been together for a long time. the fact that she was honest about it was nice. deep down she probably felt like it wouldn't make her feel better, it would make her feel worse. if you love and want to stay with her, then this is just one of those things you'll have to accept. everybody has things they did in the past that they are not proud of. and everybody makes mistakes once in a while. you can't hold it over her head and expect her to change.

[CrashDavis89]

She was not tested and didn't tell me. Also, she HAS carried those behaviors over into our married life (go back a few posts and read about her sales meeting trip). By her own admission, she has come close to cheating in our married life and by her own admission fears that she will and doesn't know how to stop herself, hence her desire to go to counseling.

Now, with regards to the STD (in this case, the guy had herpes), my knowing is relevant for two reasons:

1) Health . . . when I was a kid, like lots of kids before the vaccine, I had chicken pox. Chicken pox is a herpetic virus, after the initial active stage (when you get the blisters you are told not to scratch) the virus goes dormant and lives in the fluid in your spinal column, largely in a semi-comatose state (in virus terms). It can however, become active again, and move along nerve networks in your body and cause flare ups (this is what causes shingles). It can also cause various forms of neuralgia, which results in a temporary paralysis of the muscles controlled by the effected nerves (a Bell's palsey, commonly resulting in paralysis of facial muscles can caused by this). In my case, the neuralgia commonly affects shoulder and upper arm muscles and also the heart muscles. For years I have had to take medicine to address to avoid overstressing the cardiac muscle. This is rare but it does happen. Untreated, it can cause heart attack and death. Catching something like herpes (a virus that moves and attacks in a similar fashion) can cause a serious cardiac event and even death. Before she and I got married, we went through all the "joint" business stuff married couples do, including life insurance. My health condition was discussed at the time. She was aware of my condition. We had the health questionnaire ahead of time, we read the questions ahead of time, which included inquiries about STDs and herpes, and she never volunteered the info (nor had she or did she get tested).Now I don't know about you, but withholding info that could harm or kill me, yeah I think it's my business to know; second:

2) Livlihood . . .at the time, I had a job that required a govt security clearance . . . having an STD is a big no-no in the govt, especially for a married man. Even though I could have argued that I got it from my wife, it is often assumed the affected individual got it from a prostitute, is therefore corruptible, can therefore be bribed to sell sensitive information, is therefore a security risk, will therefore lose his clearance and thus his job. Again, I discussed the nature of my work with her (since it required I travel from time to time and might not be available on my mobile depending on the installation). The details of clearance work, and the implications of STDs were discussed. Again, not a word from her.

Again, I think in deferece to the reasons cited above, it is my business.

[misombra]

well have you been checked? and do you know that she hasn't been checked?