Learned some things -- accidentally -- about my wife's previous sex life

[CrashDavis89]

and I'm wondering if I sould ask her about what I learned. In some cases, it is either withheld info or a contradiction of things she has told me. I'm wondering how to proceed.

[Gigabitch]

Can you handle the truth?

[CrashDavis89]

for example, one of the guys she dated had an STD, she knew it but never told me before we got married.

Another guy took her to St. Marten for a week but she said they never had sex because he was afraid the other houseguests would hear; however, in the journal I found (it was in a box of old files --hers and mine that she asked me to sort through for keep/throw out purposes) she notes that they had sex 4 of 7 days there, including the time of day and location.

It's not hearing the truth that concerns me . . .it's wondering why she didn't tell me the truth in the first place. We are both in our 40s and I was married previously, so I am not a neophyte.

[Gigabitch]

Right there with you.

Lying almost destroyed my relationship. My husband lied about something (complicated story) because he thought it was just easier to lie to me than to tell the truth. It took a long time to get him to realize that the thing, itself, was not the problem, it was the LIES.

Why do you think she's lying about this? (Besides the fact that she seems to think it's okay to lie to her husband).

[CrashDavis89]

is the only answer I can think of.

The topic of the STD would have been relavant before we got married . . as anyone who has had answer embarrassing questions before getting married can attest. I think she loved (and does love me) and wanted to get married and was afraid an STD would a) make her appear slutty (I also discovered in her journal, by her own estimation, that she had dated about 80 guys in a 10 year period) and/or b) be the kind of potential health risk that might scare me off. Once it had gone unaddressed, she figured there was not reason to bring it up.

Regarding the trip to St. Marten . . . I had known about that boyfriend prior to our marriage. He avoided a prison term for tax evasion but working with the authorities on an illegal payoff scheme to NCAA basketball players. I told her I thought this guy was scum and she agreed, but clearly she like the lifestyle he lived. I think she liked the sex too (she writes positively about it without using hyperbole) but didn't want to admit it . .. it was easier to admit everything about the guy was bad so I would avoid the topic.

The reason I am concerned about the lying is that I have reason to suspect she cheated on me during a vacation to Hilton Head the year before we married. This latest info confirms my gut feeling that she lies about sexual topics and has me wonding what else is undisclosed.

[Sylbra]

Maybe she lied because she loves you and thought if she told you the truth it might screw things up?

As for the STD thing, you can screw people with an STD (like Herpes) and not necessarily catch the disease. So if she'd been tested and knew this guy didn't give her herpes why should she bother worrying you about it? It's not exactly a pretty subject and why should she tell you everything about her past sex lives?

I dated a guy, we had sex maybe once or twice, then we went on a road trip. I was about to use his chapstick and I jokingly said "You don't have herpes do you?"... and he was like "Well, uh, I was afraid to tell you but..." and I was like man, that is really messed up! You tell people BEFOREhand - not after screwing a couple of time, geez!!! (I've dated two guys with herpes and never got it-been tested).

[IndiReloaded]

How was your relationship before you found this journal?

[CrashDavis89]

Our relationship has had it's rocky moments, and even before the journal, I had reason to suspect she was lying about cheating on my at least once.

[Sylbra]

How was your relationship before you found this journal?

OH yeah, that reminded me, so is her lying to you any worse than you perusing through her personal diary???

[Gigabitch]

The reason I am concerned about the lying is that I have reason to suspect she cheated on me during a vacation to Hilton Head the year before we married. This latest info confirms my gut feeling that she lies about sexual topics and has me wonding what else is undisclosed.

You're not concerned about the lying because it undermines the trust you've built your life together on?

Do you lie to her too?

OH yeah, that reminded me, so is her lying to you any worse than you perusing through her personal diary???

She left it in a box of files. I would have read it too. Honestly, you would have at least peeked, wouldn't you, Syl?

[CrashDavis89]

Her diary was in a box of old papers (mine and hers) that she asked me to look through to determine what needed to be kept and what needed to go in the trash. The journal was in with a bunch of notebooks from her grad school classes and looked like a notebook. She told me to look through "all that stuff" to determine what we should keep. she wanted me to look through the notebooks because she is planning on going back to grad school and didn't want to throw those out . ..so I ended reading the journal because a) she asked me to read through each notebook and b) it was as nondescript as the others

[CrashDavis89]

Actually,my wife accuses me of "sharing" too much information. She says I lost a previous job because I was too honest and not ruthless enough.

[CrashDavis89]

So I'm wondering, should I leave this whole situation alone because she was trying to avoid difficult discussions . . .I mean, would that just make it worse? should I pretend I didn't read it . .. even though I like things out in the open and resolved?

[IndiReloaded]

All I wanted to know was whether you were looking for something, deliberately, b/c things are rocky in your marriage.

Actually,my wife accuses me of "sharing" too much information. She says I lost a previous job because I was too honest and not ruthless enough.

LOL. Well, I suppose you could ask her opinion about cheaters, generally in a conversation. See where that takes you. Sometimes, a very good way of dealing with people is to make a general statement & let them fill in the blanks. Often, people will give themselves to you if you are patient and have the ability to avoid sticking your own foot in your mouth during the silent periods.

[Gigabitch]

Hmmm. Okay, so she's a liar and you're pretty sure she's a cheater as well. You're painting an ugly picture, here, Crash.