Non-exsistent sex life after 3 yrs!! HELP!

[zepplica]

The socialism thing was ironically meant lol(should get used to the fact that it's unreadable through the internet). Soljenițîn himself(may God or what it was he believes in rest his great soul) said that communism doesn't undermine social differences, it actually increases them, statement with which I agree entirely. Never in a billion years would I actually WANT to go back to a regime that slaughtered more than 100 million people(and in comparisom to which the Nazis look like they belonged to Greenpeace).
I'm glad that you're happily married and I wish you many achievements and happy years and whatever it is you want in life blah blah.
On the topic of my past, I sincerely hope that, personally, I'm over it. I just told you this because I felt insulted by the "fashionable" "Oprah watching" accusations. Felt like demonstrating I don't sympathize with women because it's trendy or because I'm bored, but because I have my reasons. So far it hasn't affected my love life(well, I haven't been married and-hmm or maybe it has- nor do I plan to be ) especially as my boyfriend was raised in a symilar environment and we can talk about these things freely. I know it's not always the man's fault, both parts of a couple have their faults. But in this case, it seemed to me (again, I may be getting the wrong impression), that he was responsible for more.
I don't consider the fact that I have the instinct to help women in these kinds of situations to be a bad result of a "trauma". It's just that it's them who usually require that help more than men.
And I hope we can end this discussion on friendly terms .

[clintsgirl]

My advice: get rid of him NOW. I don't agree with anything Lite said, for a simple reason: he concentrated on what YOU are probably doing wrong, which sounds like minor things eg flowers in the bedroom, while your GUY, from the way you put it in your message sounds like he's lazy, unemployed, overweight(!), lets you do all the work and raise him like a kid, watches alot of porn(in a house where there are kids? what does he do, lock himself up?) etc etc.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but more like a friggin abusive marriage. And YES, I do know that he doesn't beat you, but abuse can also be psychological, and the whole watching porn ignoring you thing...I'm guessing it's had not-so-good effects on you, what with the screaming and crying etc. If you think sex will solve your problems well, it really won't honey. I've seen cases like these. He's a scumbag. Seriously, you deserve someone better.

Thank you for your advice, i listen to everyones advice they give me, some i agree w/ some i dont. and no he doesnt watch porn while the kids are at home. I know im not perfect, and im am the cause of some of our problems. You make good points and i'm sorry you had to go through that with your parents. The way you described your father really hit home for me. With me it took me 4 yrs to figure out what kind of man i have. I fell in love with one, and ended up getting his alter ego. and everyone is right its not even about the non sex anymore, its going beyond that. He is at a point where he gets extremey angry (not physical) about the smallest things accidents/mistakes. example: i accidently dried our sons baseball shirt (which he told me over and over not to dry it). He flipped out, which honestly in my heart i thought it was a accident. i'm the one that does all the laundry, and sometimes i make mistakes. to be miffed i understand, but to totally flip out is dumb. i've been told im the most selfish person in the world. It doesnt matter i do everything around the house etc, he claims i do that to make up for my emotional selfishness. which is total b.s, i do it cause no one else will and i like to have a clean house, clean clothes, and warm food on the table. He says i insult his "manhood" when i complain to him about sex, even though he is the one holding out. My huge problem is i interrupt while he's talking. I know its a excuse, but i get sick of getting bitched out, no matter what he is always right, so i try to interject to put my 2 sense in, stick up for myself. But it just back fires into another argument how i dont "respect" him cause i interrupt him. Last night he said somethings he cannot take back. I cried got upset and ended up sleeping on the couch. 2 days ago if you asked me if i loved him and wanted to spend my life with, i would of said YES!! but my eyes and heart are starting to open up, with some good advice from you, lite, etc. I know deep down i dont want to end this, i really do love him, but i know love doesnt make you cry every other day, love doesnt hurt. I am just extremely puzzled, on how he can say i am the most selfish person in the world. I go over and over it in my head. He says i want what i want and i want it now, and if i dont get what i want im an emotional wreck that takes it out on him. If what i want is sex from my man i dont think that is selfish.
I never ask him to help me with anything, i would rather just do it myself, instead of having him complain. He makes me feel guilty when i get upset, if he starts to yell, i get pissed and start to yell back. He tells me i'm not thinking about the kids, all i think about is my selfish self. Pretty much i came to the conclusion i need to live my life for everyone else, and screw my want/needs. I know in my heart the best thing to do is leave. And 1 more which has been another issue. he has a 12 yr old son (previously marriage) that lives with us. This kid has the life, xbox, ipod, cable, labtop etc. all he is asked to do is take out the trash and keep his room cleaned. Obviously he's 12 so that is a problem. His father gives him empty threats when he doesnt do these things. He is starting to get a attitude, and a mouth. He is expecially starting to do it with me and my 6 yr old son (that absolutly adores him) I dont yell or scream at him at all, he's not my child. But he does live under my roof, and i do do everything for him. Latly i've gotten a slight attitude with him, he doesnt listen to me, and everything i say or do he complains to his dad. which intern has his dad complaining to me, that i'm rude to his son. and i need to focus on my son. Mind you when all the kids are off school at home, they come to me about issues, hungry, dirty clothes, if they are arguing they come to me, i deal with it 90% of the time. I'm not perfect sometimes i get frustrated and angry. I'm not dumb nor stupid, i know what i need to do. Unfortunatly my heart is telling me something different. After are HUGE argument last night, what i took from it... My feelings dont mean crap, I need to focus on my respect for him and his son. I need to stop complaining about sex, dont interrupt when spoken too, pretty much put on a happy face for everyone, keep doing everything i've been doing, but w/out an emtions, frustration etc. If i leave now he will have nothing seriously. His car is broke down till we come up w/ a large amount of money to fix it. His unemployment runs out in 2 wks (he does not have a job yet!!) I know deep deep down my feelings and love for this man are starting to go away. I miss the man i fell in love with, i miss the man that cared when he hurt my feelings. I cant keep getting blamed for every single issue we have, when i know i'm not this horrible selfish person.

[steelsword]

@clintsgirl: I am really sorry that you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like an abusive relationship to me, emotionally abusive if nothing else.

I think it's pretty clear that he has changed and you obviously do not like/love the person he has become. He has also made it apparent that he will not go back to the way he was. It's time for you to find someone who will give you what you deserve. Someone who will love you for who you are, someone who will tell you everyday how much they love you, someone who will tell you're beautiful & sexy even when you're feeling like absolute crap. Someone who will take care of you when you're sick, someone who will get turned on by the mere thought of having sex with you. That is what you deserve, and that is what you need. This man is not any of those things, at least not anymore.

Best of luck to you.

[twisted]

um, if he's getting off on his porn, he's likely already "physically" satisfied enough, and doesn't have any inclination to do it later with you. let him know that it's either the porn or you. normally i wouldn't say this, becaue porn can be fun to watch with a partner, but if it's causing problems in your relationship, then it's got to be acknowledged. if he can't get turned on with you without the porn, then there is a serious problem, probably that he's not interested in you anymore. talk to him.

[clintsgirl]

@clintsgirl: I am really sorry that you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like an abusive relationship to me, emotionally abusive if nothing else.

I think it's pretty clear that he has changed and you obviously do not like/love the person he has become. He has also made it apparent that he will not go back to the way he was. It's time for you to find someone who will give you what you deserve. Someone who will love you for who you are, someone who will tell you everyday how much they love you, someone who will tell you're beautiful & sexy even when you're feeling like absolute crap. Someone who will take care of you when you're sick, someone who will get turned on by the mere thought of having sex with you. That is what you deserve, and that is what you need. This man is not any of those things, at least not anymore.

Best of luck to you.

thank you very much for your advice, and words of encouragment. It made me happy but also sad. One of the worst parts, i thought he was the man of my dreams. I was wrong. He has done a total 360. I have seen i take care of 3 kids including a 32 yr old adult. I'm being told now the only reason i do nice things (laundry, cooking,cleaning, errands, kids) is to make up for my selfishness. which the only thing he can come up w/ me being selfish is i dont get sex everyday (its been exactly a month today since we had relations.) and i get upset about it and "break his balls" A couple of days ago, i lost it and told him i was leaving him. Of course he got pissed, said i was playing games i just want to hear how much he loves me and needs me. Made me feel guilty about the kids, we have none together, but his son lives with us, and so does mine. I dont want to hear all that stuff, i want it to be shown towards me. thank you's are good and nice, but i need more. I'm also extremely sad cause i'm starting to be disgusted, the love and needs are becoming different. I remember how he used to be and the man i fell in love with. I'm trying to convince myself i dont need nor want him any longer, and its working. my heart is just broken. your words really have helped me, thank you again...

[Justplaying5050]

Im sorry to hear that D=, i hope time heals your heart quickly

[Tug]

Men cheat for a variety of different reasons, women for the most part cheat because their emotional needs aren't being met. After reading your original post how long do you think that you could possibly be looking else where to have your needs satisfied.

Have you tried couples counseling?

[clintsgirl]

Men cheat for a variety of different reasons, women for the most part cheat because their emotional needs aren't being met. After reading your original post how long do you think that you could possibly be looking else where to have your needs satisfied.

Have you tried couples counseling?

If we had the money to go to counseling, we would for sure go. right now i have no desire to look elsewhere. I keep holding out hope something will change. Unfornatuley its getting worse. He thinks if he doesnt wake up and call me a "bitch" everyday, or cause he doesnt hit me, he's nice. I know i can be a bitch, sometimes things boil up inside of me, and i lose it. On our good days we do not have sex, on our bad days, he uses it as a "reason" not to have sex. Honestly in the last 10 mins, I have realized i cant fix this. He is depressed for his own faults, and takes it out on me, he doesnt admit to it, and blames every single thing on me. He doesnt see nor want to admit all the things i do for out family. And if i ask him what he does, he either doesnt anwser or gets pissed, usually a combo of both. He says he is sick of me being a "bitch", but he is blinded to see, most of the reasons for that our him. I pretty much need to have a smile on my face no matter how i feel or what caused it. He will admit openly he is doing nothing for his "sex issue" , while im trying my hardest to change the things i need too. Its will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life, but i know i have to leave this relationship. I love him more then anything, and i know i always will. One of the worst parts is, he taught me in the beginning of our relationship, that im a women and i deserve to be treated well and loved, cared for. For over 6 months and a few times in the way past, he has showed me the opposite. I'm just extremely sad, and never wanted it to be this way.

[clintsgirl]

um, if he's getting off on his porn, he's likely already "physically" satisfied enough, and doesn't have any inclination to do it later with you. let him know that it's either the porn or you. normally i wouldn't say this, becaue porn can be fun to watch with a partner, but if it's causing problems in your relationship, then it's got to be acknowledged. if he can't get turned on with you without the porn, then there is a serious problem, probably that he's not interested in you anymore. talk to him.

I'm totally down to watching porn together, we used to. My problem is, we no longer watch porn together, he still does, which would be totally cool if our sex life was normal. But as of right now, we have had NOOO intimacy in 5 wks. before that almost 2 months. when he says it will get better it gets worse, and just makes me more and more angry, hurt, upset, sad etc. I've cried, talked calmly, reasoned, wrote letters, emails, anything you can think of to let him know what a serious problem this is, and what its doing to me. He knows and says the only thing he can do is to fix it. He chooses not too. I'm beyond sick of feeling unwanted, unattractive, unneeded, etc. If he understood and really wanted to make things better he would. but he chooses not too. Cause i'm not stupid I let him treat me like this, i let him talk down to me. Its not my fault he does it, its my fault i put up with it. He always told me there is nice guys out there that will treat me the way i deserve (thats when we first got together) which he was that guy, but turned into this guy. Which of course is all my fault. I just really pray for the strength to get through this and move on. I've never really truly had a broken heart before, I'm really scared, it just sux.

[Mish]

It's not uncommon for sex life to die down after three years together. There is too much familiarity and doing it feels more like a chore than an exciting experience. You feel more like a machine repeating the same things over and over again. Though I agree that once a month is a bit unusual. I doubt getting him not to watch porn will be a solution. He most likely watches it because it's something different to the routine that's become too annoying. Cutting out porn will only get him to shift his attention to something else. Have you tried breaking out of the usual routine? How well do you know your partner? Well enough to know what turns him on?

[Rollerderby]

It's not that porn itself hurts the relashe, but having a porn addiction does.

It's a real thing. If he has been watching it more, he is also probs watching when you don't know. Look it up online, and if it doesn't get better, what can you do but go find someone who wants to butter your muffin too

[Kromat]

Geez, If he watches more porn, then having it with you, there's something wrong with that.

Porn could probably get him in the mood, but to avoid it altogether, when he can have in real life, is just wrong to you.

Guys have to try to make a woman happy, and it seems like you have to beg him, when guys want it more than the woman.

P.S. I would love to be in his situation, and not decline an offer like that.

You two need to talk about, or just start slowly, where it's a routine of maybe 2 times a week, and progress when you feel your satisfied.

[Lite]

Men cheat for a variety of different reasons, women for the most part cheat because their emotional needs aren't being met. After reading your original post how long do you think that you could possibly be looking else where to have your needs satisfied.

Have you tried couples counseling?

Actually, current studies say that women are far more likely to cheat than men when they are in a secure relationship. Especially near ovulation. Women who married engage in far riskier behavior when "On a girl's night out." than men do when "Out with the boys."

They've done studies.

Women, while more emotionally attuned than men, cheat for just as many of a wide number of reasons. Typically it isn't because a need isn't being met, it's because they have unresolved issues that existed before the relationship ever began. Some women go the far other way and start treating their mate like a father figure instead of a spouse. So they stop sleeping w/ people altogether.

[MarkTwain]

clintsgirl-

Part of the reason this is happening to you is that you have low self esteem. If you loved yourself more, you would just not put up with it. He is trying to destroy you with his verbal abuse. He prefers porn over you.

When a guy ejaculates, it is like letting of steam - the pressure is gone. By constantly jacking off to porn, he feels no sexual tension, and that is why he is able to hold out against sex for so long. A lot of guys are realising that being addicted to porn is not as cool as it first seemed.

A guy who prefers porn to a real live woman is an addict.