Love for my best friend won't go away

[Konart]

Hi guys, I'm new here. I'm in need of a male's opinion. Here's some info about my situation.

My best friend and I met back in summer of '02, just before my senior year of high school, at a bonfire. Since the first time I met him, I was immediately drawn into him. First thing I noticed was his smile, and polite/kindness to come introduce himself to me. When senior year started, I hung out with him and that same group of friends from the bonfire. A week later, he asked me out. He was my first boyfriend, and first full on kiss. We lasted a week because he was known for only having week long relationships before getting bored and moving onto to the next girl. I was very saddened, but wanted his friendship more than anything. We later became the best of friends, which never happens with him because he ends up not wanting to talk to the ex gf ever. It made me feel wonderful that he wanted to keep me in his life. We were bad, ditched all the time together, spent a good 3 months of Saturday schools together, enjoyed hanging out with one another and had deep conversations over the phone many a nights.

Our close-knit friendship continued for 7 years. In that time, I have had a high school sweetheart with a 5 year off and on relationship, and a couple other boyfriends after that. He'd been my go-to person for advice, and vice-versa. We'd tell each other everything. He joined the army in late 2003, been on 4 deployments (currently in his 4th) and our friendship has been mostly through the phone or via internet. Here's the thing. My best friend has a different personality than most people. As much as I can confide in him with everything, he tends to have a solo-mindset. He has always taught me to trust only myself, because I am the only person who will never leave my side. He also has these moods...he'll either be an amazing friend and treat me wonderfully; or he'd be heavily sarcastic and moody, trying to pick unnecessary fights which amuses him and we end up not talking for a few days to even a month or more. He's very easy to let go of friends in a heart beat because he just doesn't care, yet he's mentioned to me all the time how he's amazed with our friendship because I'm the only true friend he's ever had, and our friendship has lasted the longest.

Now this is the big kicker. Summer of 2008, he came home on 30 days leave. I hadn't seen him in over a year. During his leave, I fell back in love with him. I confessed to him my feelings, and he told me how he had been feeling the same way for years. We ended up sleeping together and sharing wonderful memories. Thing is, he told me it wouldn't be right for us to get together since he'll be away. He told me I need to focus on myself and getting a career, and he needs to focus on his job. I told him I'd support him and always be there for him no matter what happens between us. It was a very hard goodbye, and I missed him so much. It was eating me up inside while he was gone because I loved him and missed him. But ever since then, he was more sarcastic and moody. He also encouraged me to go out there and find a man that would treat me with respect. He also grilled me about getting a job and finishing school, as well as living on my own. Time past, and he was sent on his 4th deployment. Fast forward to January of this year, he told me he had leave for 2 weeks. At that time, I had a boyfriend. I was nervous with my best friend coming back because his mood was really off. Very sarcastic and very easily on edge. When he came back, we shared some good times, but more-so bad. He was a little bit stand-offish and cold. He left without saying goodbye as well, and we've only talked once since. I've sent him messages via internet, and only got one response from him. He has tried calling me one time and left me a voicemail about a week ago which I'm angry about cause I missed it!!!

I'm just so stuck and lost. I'm still so in love with my best friend, but I know how to control it and keep it friendly. I am so supportive of him and patient. I would do everything that it takes to be with him, but I know he is not in the mindset for a relationship, and I totally respect that. Thing is, I feel I don't even have him there as a friend. Only reason why he responded to my last message was because I told him I needed some advice and want my best friend back. His words were very encouraging, but he's vanished yet again. I have a letter for him ready to be sent in the mail just of stuff saying that I hope he's safe and well, and updating him about my job etc. Not really personal. If I were to tell him how much I miss him, that would just push him away and make him roll his eyes. Sometimes I wish I had his strong mindset. Should I just keep being patient and wait until he is ready to talk to me again? What should I do? And what advice do you have for me to try to get over my love for him? It's been 7 years of this....for a good 4 years I thought I was over him, but it still would linger back from time and time again. I wonder what is going on in his head.

Sorry this is so long. I just wish I had my best friend back. Thanks so much for taking the time to read.

[steelsword]

Okay first off, are you still seeing the guy you mentioned last? Or are you seeing anyone else at the present moment & time. If you are, that's clue #1 for why he is being stand offish.

If not, then I'm not sure what the issue is. But to met it sounds like he is still in love with you too and just not ready/willing to admit it. Perhaps he thinks he will just hurt you if he commits to you while he is still in the service/overseas.

Are you willing to wait til he is done with this so you can be with him? If not, then you do need to move on. If you are, then continue to support him and be there for him and work on finding someone else to be your "go-to guy/girl."

[Konart]

Hey, I just posted a response to your thread. Funny, huh? Anyhow, in answer to your question, I am no longer with the last guy mentioned. He and I broke it off back in March. Thanks for your advice. I'd like to think he's still in love with me. Only thing is, he met up with our friend at a bar for his last night, and he told her that I'm better off without him in my life. All he does is add weight on my shoulders, and he and I both need to focus on ourselves or something of the sort. Even though he has said that to her, I have sent him a few friendly and supportive messages via internet to show that I will always be there for him. I just hate being in this position, not knowing when I will be able to hear from him again. Especially since I'm in need of a friendly ear.

[steelsword]

Hi Konart, yes I saw you reply, ty btw, and also updated my thread with what occurred today.

I could be wrong, but I still say he is in love with you. He is saying that to your friend because he wants to see how you will react. Will you wait for him? Will you find someone else?

When is he due to to leave the service (for good)? And if you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to chat. We can compare notes, haha.

[Konart]

Thanks steel. He reenlisted for another 3 years and should be out by 2012. Again, I am very patient, but he is not the kind of guy who would want me to wait. He's also the kind of guy who gets bored easy, and loves the chase. Yet, again, he's told me many a time how awesome it is that he and I are still friends, and that I am first priority out of everyone he knows since we've been friends for this long. He says all this, yet he is okay with not talking to me for a few months or however long this will go on for. I know this is a bit of random information out of nowhere, but it seems like once a year he and I go through this phase where we don't talk for a few months due to a fight, and it's almost like "reformatting" our friendship. If that makes sense. Who knows.

[steelsword]

Thanks steel. He reenlisted for another 3 years and should be out by 2012. Again, I am very patient, but he is not the kind of guy who would want me to wait. He's also the kind of guy who gets bored easy, and loves the chase. Yet, again, he's told me many a time how awesome it is that he and I are still friends, and that I am first priority out of everyone he knows since we've been friends for this long. He says all this, yet he is okay with not talking to me for a few months or however long this will go on for. I know this is a bit of random information out of nowhere, but it seems like once a year he and I go through this phase where we don't talk for a few months due to a fight, and it's almost like "reformatting" our friendship. If that makes sense. Who knows.

Well ok, I don't recall if you mentioned this, but how old are you both? Perhaps he is playing hard to get, shrug, that is usually more of a woman thing though.

I find it funny that you all fight a lot. It's like you're married! Haha. I'm not trying to make light of your situation, just that it's kinda funny in an ironic way.

And who cares what he wants? It's really about what you want. Do you want to be with him? That is the question you need to ask yourself. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be with him?