Devastated

[Naples]

I recently (a month ago) got back with my old boyfriend after a fleeting fling didn't work out. So, I was with the boyfriend on and off for a year and a half. He continuously told me, "you refuse to accept how much I love you." I was always the one breaking up with him; He was hesitant to get back with me the past couple times because he was sure I'd break up with him again. He insinuated that he didn't believe I really loved him. But I did.

My grandfather became gravely ill last Sunday and I rushed home (from New York to Pittsburgh,) to be by his bedside. (he is doing a little better and there is great hope for survival, but he is still in ICU.) Meanwhile, the boy and I were in a relationship (facebook official and all,) spending 5 days a week together, etc. While I was home we spoke on the phone often. Well, yesterday I noticed a certain girl had written on his wall, "bluh bluh, how can I get my work done when I talk to you on the phone for two and a half hours, bluh bluh, talking about hypothetical fights we'll never have and hypothetical teddy bears you'd give me..." etc. This particular girl was one he had made a pass at last summer when we were broken up, and she turned him down. But they are friends and she writes on his wall VERY often, especially of late. So I told him--I don't appreciate that wall post. I said, 'you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who would NOT be upset by that. It's disrespectful and inappropriate" and he said "you're right." So I said--I want it taken down!! He said, "I don't see what good that would do." To which I replied, "It would make me feel better. If that means anything." So hours later I checked and it was still up. I called him-he claims, "oh I forgot about that." I didn't buy that one bit. I told him to delete the post or I'd delete our relationship status. So he said he was out and would call me later--which he usually did. I got online and sent him a facebook msg reminding him--"you're on facebook now, delete it." Well I went to bed, woke up at 9:30...turns out, at 6:30 a.m. he had responded to my facebook msg (no phone call,) "I can't.[delete it.] I'm sorry I know it's the worst time, but I can't do anything for you anyway. I'm not ready for a long term or long distance relationship. We're not going anywhere, we both know that. I think we should just part ways now." (oh btw, he is graduating college and moving 5 hours away next month.) I'm just devastated. Not just with being dumped by someone I truly did love, but the WAY he did it and the TIME just exudes such apathy.

How does a person go from, "you're gorgeous, I love you, I want to be with you," to dropping them on facebook within 12 hours??????? I am baffled. This is the first time he's dumped me. I realize everyone has a limit, but how could he put up with my sh-t for a year and a half, then, during the most difficult time of my adult life, dump me in such a calous way? He couldn't have waited a week? He couldn't have called me? He had to dump me on facebook while I'm home to be with my struggling family all because he couldn't bring himself to delete the wall post of a girl who rejected him??? Her wall post was more important than our relationship???????

[bonaj003]

Wow...that is very low! What this made public on your facebook? I think you need to confront him in person if you can (obviously not now with your grandfather ill..hope all is ok there )...i dont understand how he can go from being i love with u over the phone, to a horrible break up on facebook!! this other girl and him obviously have a friendship which he sees as important....but why would he see it more important with the relationship with you? especially with him moving away...isnt this the time u spend a lot of time together?

[Naples]

Thanks for the quick and supportive reply! Very kind. The break up was made public on facebook because he canceled our relationship-- but the message was private.

[bonaj003]

Thats ok im going through a rough time at the moment to so we r both in the same boat. I think when you have the chance, talk to him in person and demand answers. You have every right to no what is going on with him, this girl and most importantly why he did what he did!! She aswell shouldnt have posted messages like that..it learly says 'in a relationship' on his page!! Damn facebook during hard times...my ex (as of yesterday evening) and of a relationship of 4 years changed his this morning..and his picture which was of us

[Naples]

Ohhh my gosh, 4 years is such a long time dear. I am so sorry for your pain! I wish you all the luck in the world!

[bonaj003]

Thank you...very much appreciated. my post is on the main board if you have any advice...soo confused! hope everything works out with you..remember to put you and your family ahead of him.

[steelsword]

Naples, just look at it this way, better he breaks up with you now than you and him end up in a much longer term/serious relationship. He clearly is a grade A *** and you deserve better than that. Not all men are like that, just ones like him make it more difficult for those of who aren't.

[t0ri]

Woah, your story is quite similar to mine, minus the girl.

My boyfriend of two years dumped me in February by changing his facebook status from "in a relationship" to "single," and then ignored me until I showed up at his apartment. And like you, I had broken up with him several times before...but hadn't for almost a year and he suddenly wanted out of the relationship. He claims it's because we fight too much, but I think he wants to explore what's out there because I'm his first love and everything.

And he, too, went from "I can only see myself marrying you, I love you, blah blah" to nothing, seemingly overnight.

Then he came crawling back three weeks later, and told me we'd just be on a break instead of a breakup, and then ended it again almost two weeks ago because I got mad, with good reason, which led to a fight.

Anyway, he probably was considering ending things for a little while, but didn't have the balls to tell you in person or on the phone...like my ex. But after not speaking to my ex for three weeks, it was really helpful to converse with him about what exactly went wrong in our relationship. But I wouldn't suggest taking him back if he comes crawling back like my ex did.

Sorry he hurt you You'll get through it though!

[Tug]

Im a little confused, you were dating this guy, broke up with him started dating someone else the relationship didn't work so you went back to the other guy correct?

Not that any of that matters, my experience with long distance and I've had a few of them aren't worth the headache. Relationships are difficult enough and when theres allot of distance involved they're even harder.

My advice is to let it go, move on and find someone who is more geographically desirable.

[Naples]

Thanks everyone. I agree that it is better that the relationship is over. But the way he did it proves to me that he never cared for me. And that is hard to accept. Only time......

[Naples]

Update: I IMed my ex very late last night, as I couldn't sleep--between my grandfather and my heartbreak. He basically just said "I'm sorry I'm sorry" repeatedly, and he said that he had intended to end things 3 days prior, when I got the phone call that my grandfather was very sick. Then he "felt stuck." I don't know if this is accurate, for several reasons. First of all--I got annoyed w/ him that night (when he said he planned to break up with me,) and was very close to leaving when he physically pulled me to him and asked me to stay. Then, he called me several times while I was home, and we had a couple of fights the day before he ended it. Fights in which I was extremely close to ending it, and he fought for our relationship. All of this AFTER he claimed he had PLANNED to end it but felt trapped?

Also, when I pressed for reasons why, he said he wasn't happy, and gave like 5 various reasons why he wanted it to be over. Distance, didn't want a relationship (inconsistent with what he was saying a month earlier,) I complain too much, etc... I sort of think he did it to seek revenge on me for all of the times I did it to him. When I said --"how could you do that to me? On facebook? Out of the blue??" and his retort was, "you did it to me several times, okay." That's revealing.

Anyway, I said some HORRIBLY nasty things to him, and he didn't really retaliate too much. He didn't really say mean things to me. Then, he actually feel asleep during our convo! lol. It was about 3 a.m. .... At around 1:30 p.m. this afternoon he sent me a long IM apologizing, saying he will always love me, saying he didn't want to hold me back from dating someone long-term that could potentially lead to marriage, saying he wanted me to be happy and for us to end on good terms, I'll always have a warm place in his heart and mind. Whatever. hahaha

[steelsword]

Are you still having feelings for this guy? If so you need to cut off all contact with him if you ever hope to truly get over him 100%.

[Naples]

Are you still having feelings for this guy? If so you need to cut off all contact with him if you ever hope to truly get over him 100%.

Good question about the feelings. I don't think so, it's just a matter of pride--I'm really mad that HE was the one to end it, and in such a calous way...that convinced me he NEVER cared about me. That makes me soo mad!!!

[Volk]

Agh, that guy was an idiot. People don't appreciate what they have until too late.

[alovehangoverr]

... Maybe I'm the only one with this opinion but are you really that surprised?

You left this guy for someone else, came back to him, and then proceeded to break up with him NUMEROUS TIMES.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know how much that hurts?

I've been in that guys shoes with my ex-- dumped me to hook up with someone else, came crawling back when it didn't work out. He'd like to shower me with compliments, tell me how much he cared about me, etc.. and then break up with me out of the blue-- over and over again. Eventually I ended things for good because I couldn't trust him not to hurt me.

Seriously, it was only a matter of time before he snapped-- I dealt with it for 10 months myself, don't know how he could have lasted a year and a half.

I think you claiming this "proves he never cared for you," is a bit ridiculous-- someone who doesn't "care for you," doesn't take you back after you have a fling and certainly doesn't try to convince you of his feelings to get you to be with him after you've left him over and over again.

You sabotaged things.. and it caught up to you.