Is there a right answer?

[TrochaicGal]

Hello,

I can't figure out how to extricate myself from the situation I've gotten myself into.

A little dating history of mine:
Dated a guy who was a little crazy. More than a little. We were engaged for three years but we broke up on good terms in August of last year. We still talk on the phone occasionally.
After we broke up, I dated one guy for two months, then immediately dated another for two months. I ended both of those relationships, and on good terms. One is still my friend (we have a lot of common friends).

I've recently been seeing a very nice young man, a little older than myself but seems to have a great personality. He's more reserved and cultured than I am, but treats me very well. He keeps me on my toes, I think, becomes he comes across as reserved. We've seen each other for a grand total of 7 weeks now. Not much, but it's been going fairly smoothly. I'm developing some emotional attachment and we seem to have good chemistry.

Then there's my best friend.
I met him several years ago (we're both actors) and we did a few productions together. We clicked a few weeks into rehearsal and became inseparable. The other actors assumed we were having an affair (I was engaged at the time) but in reality all we did when we wandered off to be by ourselves was talk. And talk. And talk. People who only saw us together for the first time assumed we were brother and sister, and that's how I felt about him for a while.
The week I broke up with my fiancé, he started going out with his current g/f.
He's in love with her. I love him, unconditionally. That's what's made this so tough. I want him to be happy.
We've discussed what would happen if we were ever single. Originally, we had agreed we would be friends with benefits. Then, a month ago, we hung out until 2 in the morning, and happened to end up at my house. We almost DID have an affair then, and pure strength of will kept us both from anything more than a kiss on the cheek. That night, he also asked if I still would be friends-with-benefits, which led to a discussion that we agreed we'd prolly end up dating. Now, to top it all off, before he left I told him I loved him. I was really tired and wasn't thinking straight. Not that it isn't true.

He loves his girlfriend more than he does me. He's said before he'd take a bullet for me, but he did not reply to my admission. He now knows that I've been crushing for a while now. I'm afraid I've ruined our friendship.

This was what I was afraid of. He's normally not very good at keeping in touch, but I've hardly heard from him at all. I sent him a long e-mail (I asked if he preferred e-mail or texting, so it was his call) telling him I want him to be happy and that I honestly would be if he was, etc. etc. When I do talk to him he sounds very affectionate and caring towards me. But I miss him terribly.

Do I try and forget him? Do I try to go back to the status quo? He is sexually attracted to me... am I better off trying not to distract him from who he's happy with? Am I being fair to my current boyfriend because I have an old flame that nothing will come of? Would I be fair to myself to break it off with Mr. Nice Guy (who I really am starting to care about) just because I care very deeply about someone that I'll never have a relationship with?

[LoneWolfie]

Im a noob when it comes to love and relationships but that last line you said seemed to bring me to the obvious answer:

If you know you cant be in a relationship with your friend, and you are really starting to care about your current boyfriend, then why break up with him?

[Rollerderby]

Im a noob when it comes to love and relationships but that last line you said seemed to bring me to the obvious answer:

If you know you cant be in a relationship with your friend, and you are really starting to care about your current boyfriend, then why break up with him?

Agreed. If the other guy was single, whatever. Why is he trying to eff you while he is with this other girl tho? That's pretty skeevy.

Just back off. Don't contact him until you hear from him. If he cares enough about you, he will make it known. Otherwise, logic says best to stay with the guy you've got, especially if you have feelings. Just, you know, try to get over the other guy so the one you have doesn't get his own busted heart.

[alovehangoverr]

If he's stated to you he loves his girlfriend more than you-- you have your answer. Sounds like he was looking for a hookup, which in my opinion is incredibly sleazy considering his current relationship status. Do you really want to go from "best friend," to "other woman?" Probably not.

As for the current guy you're seeing.. if you like him, keep at it. It's ok to have a crush on someone, but if you know you're not going to act on it and nothing will come of it-- why limit yourself?

As for this "friend," -- if I were you, I'd back off.. majorally. If you're set on staying friends with him, keep all conversations appropriate. If it strays, get it back on track or tell him he's being inappropriate. If you decide to spend time together, do it in public since you obviously have to "fight temptation" when you're alone.

Honestly though, this friendship doesn't sound like it will be at all appropriate to continue if you're both in relationships. It wouldn't be shocking to me if it ended up destroying either one of your situations.

[TrochaicGal]

He's not trying to eff me... he's trying very hard not to, which is especially hard considering him and his g/f don't see eye-to-eye sexually. He's very frustrated and after 8 months is getting very tempted. But he is an honorable person, which is why we haven't. It's the only thing.

I guess I should probably leave him be and wait till he contacts me... he does care about me (has told me that he loves me, not in the romantic way). I'll have to stay in public with him, and keep private conversations online.

I also did a really stupid thing that other night. I told him that if he was ever single, I'd break up with my b/f. At that specific point in time, that was true. It's not now. The more I'm around my b/f, the more I find myself falling for him. I feel so raw emotionally. I'm blessed to have so many great people in my life but I just wish life wasn't so complicated!

[Doc Durian]

Friends with benefits eventually end up as deficits.

It either is, or it isn't. Black or white. There is no grey if either of you are to be true to your significant others and ultimately to yourselves.

Otherwise you're both each other's back ups with no clear resolution between you, and no ability to give yourselves 100 percent to the ones you're with.

[Cbrider]

Do the right thing here, don't tempt him. If he's feeling doubtful about his gf, then let nature run its course here and let it break off naturally. You're pretty much borderline cheating in my book as is. Professing your love to another person like the love you feel while in a relationship, while in a separate relationship is pretty damn low.

You need to learn to control your feelings and urges, thats part of being an adult and ultimately accepting the responsibility of marriage.

The "take a bullet" thing is stupid, you really gonna make a list for that?

I'd take one for anyone here, cept maybe Giga because she would have the gun halfway up the guys ass before he even thought about shooting.

[TrochaicGal]

New developments: we have been talking, we have agreed that we can't be alone in a room together. On one hand, we want to be together really badly but I think we're both afraid it might be lust trumping love. So we simply talk about it and drive each other crazy. I'm doing my best to not tempt him, but it's very hard considering how strong my feelings are for him. Right now, I have no idea what will happen. He could either drop off the face of the earth again, he could break up with his girlfriend, or this frustrating limbo might go on for a while. I think he's not breaking up with his girlfriend, but it's not certain. He's not in a healthy relationship (she's a taker, he's a giver, and I'm afraid he's getting the short end of the stick). I think, if he was really happy with her, none of this would be happening... she's got some real asshole boyfriends so I think he would feel really guilty breaking up with her because she's so needy. It's not pretty.